


A Tricky Game

by lilac19822



Series: A Leaf in the Desert [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Friends to Lovers, Friendship/Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-14 04:13:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 52,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14127828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilac19822/pseuds/lilac19822
Summary: Stuck in a lull that had settled upon the Hidden Sand Village, I was desperate for a mission ... any mission. After being sent to the Hidden Leaf Village to gather information, I run into an old friend, who has always managed to get a rise out of me in more ways than one. Maybe, for just this once, I can let my guard down ...





	1. Aimless

I looked up at the sky as I walked along the thick-packed sand that had formed a shabby road on the outskirts of the village. A few bright stars winked at me out of the darkening sky that framed their brightness perfectly. Dusk was falling, wiping the cool blue with magnificent shades of orange, peach and purple as the sun began to set behind the seemingly eternal stretch of sand. The friendly glittering stars sent mixed emotions, as my first reaction was comfort at not feeling quite so alone, and then a rash of shame and suppression rushed over my body, chastising me for feeling lonely and in need of companionship in the first place.

I pride myself on my logic, my stoicism, and my carefully bound emotions that rarely have a chance to escape and show themselves through my face or body language. These are all characteristics that proficient ninjas ought to have and maintain at all times. In my mind, solitude is a preferable status and nothing to be ashamed of … I love time alone with my thoughts to reflect on past missions or experiences or to try and develop new jutsus or train. It's when the contentment found in introspective solitude turns slightly bitter and urges my heart to seek out friends, or even mere contact with another, that I get frustrated with such a sign of weakness.

But tonight is one of those nights. It might have to do with the vast ocean of emotions that are somehow all trapped in the confines of my body, lapping against my heart and mind, and periodically washing over me with a new shade of restlessness, relief, anger, anxiety, and sadness.

I am sad for the troubles that had befallen my brothers. Although Kankuro had thankfully been saved from Sasori's poison when Sakura, the leaf shinobi, had arrived in the Hidden Sand Village, Gaara's suffering was far more acute. He had died, after all. And then been brought back to life by Grandma Chiyo, who had sacrificed her own existence so he might have his. I was anxious about how my little brother would recover and the extent of his power now that Shukaku had been dispelled from his body.

I felt angry I had not been able to do more to help. I had been put on guard duty while others had rushed off to save my own kin, and while I knew in my rational mind that a good shinobi does what he or she is asked to bring the greatest good to the greatest number of people, my emotions still raged beneath the surface in a white-hot mixture of shame and anger. Perhaps if I had been allowed to go, things would have turned out differently. Maybe I could have helped more. But in the end, I also was relieved the situation had not turned out worse than it had. And I felt restless, for now there was a sort of lull as we waited for Gaara to fully recover and for more information on the Akatsuki and their plans to surface or be discovered.

Which is why I now found myself on the dusty roads that snaked their way from the Hidden Sand Village, my legs headed in the direction of Konohagakure.

As the primary diplomat between our two allied villages, I had been sent to see if any new information has been gathered regarding the Akatsuki and to learn how the mission to meet with Sasori's spy, acting as Orochimaru's subordinate, had went. It was sort of a pathetic mission, but it helped to curb a little of my restlessness.

I was grateful Gaara had sent me. Although more stoic and introspective than myself, my little brother knew me well. Sensing my anxiety and antsiness, he had relieved me from my duties as a watch guard and sent me on my way.

 _Either he knows me well and was trying to help, or my fidgeting and discontent were annoying me_ , I mused, fully aware either motives were possible from my unpredictable brother.

Night had now fallen, the sound of wind whispering a sweet lullaby in my ears as I continued on. Every now and then, I used my jutsu to play with the pleasant sound-maker. I felt comforted by the sense of camaraderie I felt with the wind, which was both my weapon and my source of protection.

"I'm comforted by the damn wind?" I muttered under my breath, combating my weakness again. Oh well. With no one around to judge my behavior, which I deemed to be the antithesis of what was expected from a good shinobi, I continued to mess with the wind and let the feeling of its cool licks wash me with a sense of serenity.

The air was beginning to turn moist, the smell of rain mixed with vegetation filled my nostrils and I knew that I soon would be on the outskirts of the Hidden Leaf Village. It was a three-day walk between our two villages and while I was enjoying the solitude, at least for the most part, I was anxious for a change of scenery, for some action, to meet with the Hidden Leaf Village's Hokage Tsunade and to feel useful.

Suddenly, without my permission, my mind darted to another thing, or rather person, I was slightly excited about the possibility of seeing.

In a split second, his handsome face had formed itself in my mind, his deep brown eyes, piercing. Although generally hazed over with laziness, they were incredibly reflective of the Leaf genius' intelligence, and I knew they never missed a thing, catching every last detail and sending it to his mind to immediately process the information. His strong jaw, straight nose. Somehow my mental image of him was incredibly detailed and I wondered to myself that I had looked upon him enough to memorize the contours of his face. I thought of his thick dark hair, always pulled back from his face and tied neatly behind his head. I wondered what it looked like down. I wondered what it would feel like running through my hands, or to grab a handful of it and yank at it while – another wave of hot shame washed over my body, my face burned with the heat of a blush, and I felt grateful no one was around to see it deepening my cheeks to scarlet.

Fixing my eyes forward I regained control of my thoughts and pushed all images of Shikamaru Nara out of my head, hoping that doing so would bring my heartbeat back down to its normal pace.

 

* * *

 

My meeting with Tsunade had been anything but informative. I was disappointed. Although, it really wasn't her fault. Nothing new had been learned, and I knew I should have expected as much. Of course it was going to take the Akatsuki time to regroup after losing Sasori and Deidara. And Sakura, Naruto, Sai and Yamato had not yet returned. Thankfully, Tsunade offered to let me stay in the Hidden Lead Village until they got back, and I was glad I would not be traveling back home empty-handed.

Now I walked through the village, aimless but content to enjoy the sights and sounds of villagers going about their daily business. Vendors sold their goods from small carts, shopkeepers had their doors open to both proudly display their wares and to let the soft spring air trickle in, housewives gossiped at lampposts. To my right, some young genin were practicing the Shadow Clone jutsu, and I couldn't help but smile at the sorry excuses for duplicates forming at their sides. However, despite the obvious failure, they continued to try again … and again, their massive effort making me laugh. Suddenly, my body slammed into another person, sending my body backward until a hand reached out to grip my arm. My eyes shot forward and met the smirking face of Shikamaru.

 _Of course it would be him_ , I thought ruefully.

"Day dreaming a bit, Temari?" He asked, with a teasing smile playing at his lips.

I pulled myself straight, trying to regain dignity, and shot back, "Why don't you watch where you're going, Shikamaru?"

I knew I was acting needlessly huffy, and his smile confirmed the amusement he found in my behavior.

"Hn. Of course you would blame it on me," he answered, rolling his lazy eyes at me. "Troublesome woman."

"Well, it's nice to see you, too," I teased, calming down from my embarrassment, and trying not to allow my happiness at running into Shikamaru to show too prominently on my face.

"It is nice to see you, Temari," he said, his eyes looking right to mine and a hint of a smile on his face. "Now if you would just pay attention to your surroundings while you're walking, maybe having you around the village wouldn't be such a drag."

His words always got a rise out of me, for some reason. I didn't understand why he got me so worked up …and why his piercing gaze, watching my every move behind what I believed was feigned nonchalance, made my stomach feel like it was dropping.

"You bumped into me too, you jerk," I answered. "What had your attention?"

We had begun walking together, his steps falling in rhythm with mine. While I usually moved with intentional speed, Shikamaru was much more laid back, sauntering along with his hands stuffed in his pockets. Slow-moving people annoyed me, but today, walking slower beside my Leaf friend, I didn't feel frustrated.

Ever since the chunin exams, in which I had beat Shikamaru, a victory that was not at all sweet because of how he had ended the fight, I had grown closer to him as a friend. There was something appealing about this kid, who was nearly three years my junior. He was easy to talk to and made me slow down and relax every once in a while, _which is good for someone as high strung as myself_ , I admitted sourly. His sarcasm kept me on my toes, though, and there was something incredibly … _sexy_ … about how smart he was.

 _Don't you dare use that word again_ , I chided myself, as Shikamaru and I continued walking through the village, replete with luscious plants we lacked back home, our playful bantering carried on as we shared companionship on the warm summer day.

I felt a new spring in my step as we chatted, mixing a bit of seriousness into our teasing. I told him a little about what happened with Gaara, Kankuro and the Akatsuki. He already knew most of it, but listened intently as I retold it with a little of my own perspective mixed in. It felt nice to speak with someone, and I had to push back the urge to open up even more to him.

 _Keep your emotions in check, Temari_ , I scolded myself. But there was something about the way Shikamaru's eyes reflected empathy when I shared what I felt waiting for my baby brother to come home, pacing back and forth, trying to not let my mind form the worst possible assumptions about the situation. He listened. I liked being listened to. Finally, I decided to shut up and ask him what he had been up to. He explained that he was just in the village for a while, making sure it was as secure as possible, before he was to be sent off on another mission. It seemed logical they would turn to the genius chunin for help on defensive tactics. He was, after all, a mastermind, I thought with a mixture of competitiveness, respect, and apparently something that made my stomach tighten a little.

Slowly we made our way through the town, taking our time, which was a nice change for me. The sun sank lower and lower in sky, the heat lifting so just a soft warmth touched my skin. I knew our walk would be coming to an end shortly and that Shikamaru would have to leave then; the sadness at the realization caught me off guard, and I immediately tried to stuff it away.

We stopped outside of the apartment building in which there was a room Tsunade was letting me use for the duration of my stay.

"It was good to see you today, Temari," Shikamaru said gently, and I was touched at the sincerity in his voice. Not to say there was an ounce of fidelity in his ways. In all the time I knew him, he was one of the most honest and loyal shinobi, or really people, I had met. It was just that we spent so much time bickering and trying to one-up one another that his gentle voice laced with a bit of affection took me by surprise.

"You, too, Shikamaru," I said, reaching out for a handshake. However, at the last second, my body made a movement without the permission of my head and went in for a hug.

I could see the slightest hint of surprise in Shikamaru's eyes, before he wrapped his arms around me, bringing me snug against his surprisingly hard chest.

His scent filled my nostrils. _Shit, he smells so good_ , I thought, as I pressed my body a little harder against his.

I could feel his toned back slightly through his green vest, and I couldn't resist moving my hands across it to get a better feel. His breath was warm on my neck and his hair slightly grazed my face. I was suddenly very aware of what was happening as I felt his arms the pressure of his arms snaked around my body. Could he feel how hot my skin was, or was it all in my head?

I pulled back, regaining my composure and trying to act nonchalant. He followed suit, but I was sure I caught a hint of a smirk on his face. However, he simply shoved his hands into his pockets and sauntered off.

I felt slightly aggravated. I wasn't allowed to act as if I enjoyed the hug, but he certainly could have! I knew I was being a bit ridiculous, and I hated that my lazy ass, 18-year-old friend was making me feel this way, so I simply shut him out of my mind and went into the apartment for a relaxing bath that would hopefully relieve me of the tension Shikamaru made me feel, as well as the void that filled my heart as I watched him walk away.


	2. New Territory

_What will become of him, now that Shikaku is gone? How did his death and subsequent reanimation affect him_? I thought, thinking of my stoic, red-headed brother, my brows furrowed, my hand slowly twisting a piece of hair that had gotten loose from my pigtails. _And what about Kankuro? He is truly alright now, isn't he? I can't take him coming so close to death again, no matter what kind of pain in my ass he can be. What about the village? Things are too calm. The way it always is in the desert before a monstrous storms crashes down. They haven't given up. I know they'll be back_.  _Maybe I should be home. There must be something I can do. Some preparation to be made. I should be out training. I should be out training my squad. What am I doing here? What can I hope to accomplish just sitting around? I need to be helping!_

My heart was beating fast as my mind zipped along at a hyperactive speed, but my eyes were zoned in on a candle that flickered in my apartment. I couldn't break my stare, but it was grounding to focus on a stable object while my mind flew from this thought to another, and my heart quickly magnified whatever issue I focused on with a rash of unnecessary emotion.

Finally, I broke my stare and stood to my feet. I was lonely … again. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't really want to see anyone either, at least not here. I wouldn't mind being home with my brothers, who were my closest friends. I didn't make friends easily. I knew it was because of my difficult and intimidating personality, and I didn't know whether to be proud of that or saddened by it. A certain someone flitted across my mind, easing my heart of anxiety, and I knew deep down that, were I to seek him out and talk to him, I would likely find the peace I was looking for. But I wouldn't. I couldn't bring myself to show such nonsensical weakness. Instead, I decided to go for a drink.

Sometimes it was nice to be alone surrounded by people who weren't talking to you … always enough activity to block you from focusing on any one thing in particular.

I slipped my feet into my sandals and headed out the apartment door, running away from the thoughts nagging my mind. Stealthily strolling the quiet streets, a small, local bar with light spilling from an open window beckoned to me, and I slipped in. No one knew me, and I felt safe and comforted by the fact that I wouldn't be forced to make small-talk. There were some ninjas in the village whom I liked and wouldn't mind seeing. But I doubted they would be in the bar. Besides, I wasn't sure I wanted to visit right now anyway.

I settled into a chair, ordered some sake and hummed in content as I heard soft noises from intimate conversations swirling around me. The dull noise was soothing, although occasional outbursts from the extremely inebriated irked me a little.

I sipped a little of the warm drink and let myself enjoy the slight burning sensation as it traveled down my throat. 

"I didn't think of you as much of a drinker, Temari."

Startled, I jumped, nearly falling from my chair. There it was again. A hand, reaching out to protect me, although this time he'd placed it on the small of my back.

"You know, Temari," Shikamaru said jokingly, as he sat down next to me, "this is the most scatterbrained I've ever seen you. So much for the unflappable kunoichi terror from the Hidden Sand Village."

I stared at him, feeling a little shocked and appalled, "No one calls me that, do they?"

"Only a few," He winked. "I'm not scared of you … not really. But you'll always be the most annoying woman I know."

His voice was tender, but his words, as always, made the heat flame up from within and my competitive nature had me already poised to challenge him.

"Well, you'll always be the most lazy, uninspired, worthless shinobi ever," I knew I had probably gone a little too far with the last insult, but he just smirked, unimpressed with my effort at a comeback. "Weren't you last in your class at the academy?"

He nodded, seeming a bit amused I knew that, but then responded undefensively, "That was quite a few years ago, though. Things have changed."

He was certainly right about that, I mused as he ordered something to drink. I knew he was more dedicated to his training than he was at that time. He had definitely stepped up as a leader in his community. He certainly wasn't as tall back in his academy days. In fact, when I had taken him on in the chunin exams, he had been about my height, but time had shot him to at least a few inches above me, and that wasn't including his hair. And I was sure that his arms weren't quite so muscular and deliciously touchable back then, or his lips so appealing. In that instant, I wanted nothing more than to pull him toward me and –

" _That's the liquor talking, Temari_ ," I warned myself. " _Stop it_."

His voice, deep and low, broke through my thoughts. "You remember what you told me when you left the village last time?"

I thought back to our conversation a few months ago, where I had chided him on his pessimistic attitude and his lack of effort, which I believed were preventing him from becoming a jonin.

"Yeah," I answered, watching his face, waiting to see where he was going with this.

"That," he said, looking up at me with a sly smile, "is why people call you a terror."

My face flushed and I playfully punched his arm. "You're an idiot."

"No, but seriously," he added, his laughter subsiding, "I wanted to say thanks. I've been trying. I mean, being a shinobi and preparing to lead these chunin exams are still a bit of a drag" – he shot me that ever-intelligent smirk – "but I appreciate what you said, and I have been trying to step up. Who knows? Maybe I'll be a jonin like you some day. When I'm old like you, that is."

My mind caught the last tidbit of what he said and held fast, and I snorted, "Old? Did you just call me old? You're a dick, Nara."

He pinched my side playfully, which tickled a little and caused me to smile, "I didn't mean to offend you, Temari. After all …" he paused and gave a shrug, "I like older women."

With that, he looked into my eyes, a little too directly and a little too seriously, although a smile still played on his lips.

"What do you know about older women?" I shot back, although I realized with amazement that my voice sounded more flirty than angry. "You're just a kid. I don't think you know anything about women at all."

_What was that_? I asked myself, taking another sip of my drink, although probably the last thing I needed was more alcohol in my system. _Are you challenging him? You know he'll eat that up. Besides, this isn't like you. You're acting like such a silly adolescent._

Suddenly, I felt his hand on my thigh, sliding from the top of my thigh and moving its way down the curvaceous flesh to my exposed knees.

"Is that right, Temari?" He mocked.

It was the first time he had touched me so intimately, and it made my head foggy, my skin prickly with goose bumps and a very tingly feeling hit me right between the thighs. Unsure if he was joking or serious, I tried to remain calm, took a sip of my drink and turned my head to look at him with unwavering and unimpressed eyes. I hoped it would be a good enough front to keep him on his toes until I could figure out what was going on, and just where I hoped it would go.

His eyes were definitely bright with mockery and his normal hint of nonchalance, but there was also something else there. A look I hadn't seen, or at least had never noticed.

I was angry that I couldn't figure him out, and contemplated brandishing my fan just to relieve that frustration. I could definitely use his wandering hand as an excuse, although his crime hadn't been all too egregious.

He turned back to his drink. _You and your stupid game, Nara_ , I spat at him in my head. I instead decided to let out what I hoped was a mocking laugh.

"You're such a child, Shikamaru. And haven't proved anything to me. You ought to just go back to your lazy cloud-watching. That's at least one thing you're good at."

"You are such a pain, Temari," he said. "Everything I do is lazy, huh? There you go again, riding my ass. Troublesome woman."

He had said it again, and I began to think this probably was going to become his nickname for me. At least I had successfully changed the nature of conversation and put it back into more familiar territory … which, for some reason, although making me feel more comfortable, also made me slightly disappointed it hadn't gone further. Always the self-oppressor, I pushed that disappointment away and went back to enjoying the rest of the conversation with my friend, as the minutes on a clock above the counter ticked away.

It was well past midnight when, slightly tipsy and not at all exhausted, I stood up to leave. Shikamaru followed suit slowly.

"I'm tired," I lied. "I'm going to head back to my apartment. Thanks for the talk, Shikamaru."

"Hn. Alright," he said, his lazy eyes looking out into the blackness. "I think I had better walk you back, though. Responsibility and all that. Besides, someone like you would find a way to get into trouble."

"Excuse me?" I spun around, angry at his insinuation. "I don't need you to protect me. I'm the desert terror, remember? I am quite capable of taking care of myself without the help of a chauvinist."

"Oh, calm down, Temari," He laughed, pulling my hand and leading me out into the vibrant night air. "You're just more trouble when you get all riled up like that. And I have never had to deal with you drunk before."

"I'm not drunk," I said, being completely honest. I felt a little lightheaded and was enjoying the pressure of his hand on my wrist a little too much, but I definitely wasn't drunk. ... Was I?

The sweet coolness that swept my face as we traveled down the road to my apartment had my nerves tingling. I wasn't quite ready to go to bed, but I figured I would find a way to work off some of my energy alone. Not that I wasn't enjoying having Shikamaru around. I certainly was, and he had successfully managed to make me feel that unique sense of peace, but I was a little worried about what I might do if he stuck around much longer. I didn't feel entirely in control of myself when he was around. " _Maybe you are drunk_ ," I questioned myself, but my calculating mind proved otherwise.

With us both standing before my door, I struggled to find my keyhole in the inky veil night cast over everything. I was in a hurry to unlock my door so I might escape back into my familiar solitude. At last, pushing the door open, I found myself in the foyer, the light from my candle flickering mischievously. I turned around, prepared for a quick goodbye so I wouldn't have to breathe in his intoxicating scent anymore or feel the comforting warmth of his body next to mine.

"Well, Shikamaru, thanks again for - "

My words were cut short as he moved in close. I took a step back, only to find myself pinned between the wall and his body, which was parallel to mine and mere inches away. His arms stretched out on either side of me so he could lean against the wall behind me for support. My breath was caught in my throat and all thoughts were dashed from my head, only to be replaced with a blank sheet of anticipation. _What is going on? And why am I feeling like this? And what will he do next?_

"Not so fast, Temari," he said, shocking me with his sudden boldness. It wasn't that I thought of him as shy or anything, but he didn't often take control of situations, especially not ones such as this. Although, what did I know? I'd never been in this situation with him before.

"You challenged me earlier, claiming I didn't know anything about woman."

His face was so close to mine. The heat permeating from his body filled the narrow space between us, and I felt almost giddy as it engulfed me. _Shit, shit shit…_  I thought. _What am I supposed to do? And why is he so freaking sexy?_

I tried to remain calm and brush this all off like a joke. "Oh, come on, Shikamaru. I've never known you to be so competitive. This is like the exams all over again. You'll quit because you know you can't win. Besides, you know I didn't even challenge you. I just made a statement, that's all."

My breath caught in my throat again. _Damn it, why does that keep happening?_

His face was coming toward me, slowly, his piercing eyes never breaking from my dark teal ones. Instead of brushing my lips with a kiss, as I had … feared or wanted? … he put his mouth next to my ear, his warm breath sending more tingles to my nether regions. I figured we had both just had a little too much drink and were now unwisely letting our guards down. But I couldn't deny how irresistible his lips were, how intoxicating he smelled and how curious I was just how he would look when he was completely naked.

"Oh, Temari," he drawled, his voice as nonchalant as ever. "I know you think you know me so well … but tonight, I think I might show you a new side." He paused, and my suspense built, waiting, my heart beating fast, blood pulsing in my ears. "I'm going to rock your world," he whispered.


	3. Crossing the Line

With that, he pulled back only to position his head and bring his defined lips to mine in a passionate kiss. My heart dropped, fast, hot blood surging through my veins as his delicious lips worked over mine. I hesitated a mere instant before kissing him back, just as passionately.

 _Where are my brakes_? I shouted to myself. _What am I doing?_  

Whatever it was, I knew I absolutely didn't want to stop. We had bickered back and forth for years now, my attraction for him increasing with each encounter, and I had wanted to taste his lips against mine for a good long time now. There is nothing as gratifying as having a deeply entrenched longing fulfilled at last.

His kisses softened a little, and I felt his tongue trace my lips, searching for a way into my mouth. I parted my lips, moaning slightly at the feel of his tongue grazing mine. He tasted every bit as wonderful as I had imagined. His body was now fully pressed against mine as our mouths battled out a fight that had been a long time coming.

My hands found their way out of their previous position of being pressed against my sides and straight along the wall and now traveled up and down his back, exploring, feeling, touching, savoring and longing to experience his hot skin against mine.

His hands likewise explored my body, which was snug against the wall. At first, they cupped my face so he could smother my mouth with kisses. Then, they moved across my bare arms, leaving a trail of goose bumps behind.

From there, they made their way to my waist, sliding down and back, so he could get two handfuls of my ass.

I had never been touched in this way, and although some part of my mind was preaching a warning, my body was screaming out in victory.

His hands slid down further, getting a good grasp of both my thighs so he could hoist me up. My legs somehow knew to wrap around him, my skirt falling back and bunching about my waist so that my long, tanned legs were fully exposed, as my hands satisfied their longing for Shikamaru's skin by slipping up under his shirt. How warm and soft he felt, although his muscles were toned and hard to my touch. My mind suddenly became aware of something else that was hard and pressing at the tender, sensitive area between my thighs.

His lips had drawn themselves away from mine and were kissing me hard against my jaw and my neck, intermingling the rough kisses with soft bites into my tender skin. One hand still exploring his bare back, I reached the other into his hair, deciding to have a little of my own rough fun. I yanked it back a little so I could kiss along his neck. I caught his ear lobe between my teeth. I felt his earring in my mouth and bit down a little harder as my hand increased its pull on his thick, dark ponytail. He moaned a little, sucking my neck in the process, and I felt satisfied. I could feel my competitive edge rising up. I took it one step further and thrust my hips against his body.

"You're going to moan a lot more than that by the time I'm done with you," I whispered into his ear, his hips thrusting into mine in a response that made me feel even more satisfied, although his engorged member hitting me through his pants and my panties elicited a similar deep moan from me.

"Is that so?" He taunted me right back.

Taking control of the situation again, he positioned his hands firmly on my backside, grabbing tightly at the soft flesh, and proceeded to carry me to my bedroom. Along the way, his lips found their way back to mine, kissing in long droughts at intervals. One of his hands smacked me hard on my ass, and I let out a little yelp. I thought I'd be mad at the audacity of this 18-year-old smacking me like that, but I felt my pussy tighten as my blood got even warmer and pulsed faster through my veins, making my body feel as though it were trapped in a furnace. My eager lips pressed hard against the muscles in his shoulders and neck and I gently ran my tongue down to his collarbone.

Once inside my bedroom, he threw me down on the bed. I was surprised by how artfully he was handling this situation and I wondered if perhaps he  _was_  more experienced than I thought. _Or maybe, for once, all that overanalyzing of his is just working in my favor_.

I hoped it was the latter. I wanted to be Shikamaru's first. Nothing would give me more pleasure than stripping him of his virginity as he was about to mine. I wanted him to be all mine. I wanted to own his body, and all of him.

"Shikamaru," I whispered softly, as he climbed on top of me and kissed my lips, more gently this time.

I could feel his hardness even through the many layers of our clothes, which I was growing increasingly anxious to be rid of. The next minute was a flurry of heat and passion, as he began to kiss and suck my neck again. I knew that tomorrow I would wake up to find it spattered with red marks, but I didn't care. Having Shikamaru this close was just too enjoyable. Suddenly, my breath stopped short as I felt his hands groping at my breasts for the first time. I could feel my large tits more than filling his firm grasp.

"How troublesome," he gasped between kisses, "it is to have all these clothes in the way. I think it's time to be rid of them, so I can see what the fierce desert princess looks like naked and ready to be taken."

His hands played at the bow that was keeping my dress tight. As he fumbled with it, I felt a bit of nervousness creep into my desire, only this time, I decided to suppress the anxiety. I was always trying to control every situation, and for once, it was nice to be like this. To have someone else dominating the circumstances … dominating me.

He had completely stripped me of my clothes now, leaving me only in my panties with my exposed body sprawled out for his eyes to see. He lurched back, and I felt a surge of self-satisfaction as his breath caught and his normally lazy eyes grew wide, almost completely hazed over with lust now.

"Damn, Temari," he breathed, his eyes traveling from the plump white flesh of my two full breasts, down over my tight, muscular stomach which spread out into wide, voluptuous hips and then separated into two, long bronzed legs.

I felt a tingle of excitement at being exposed like this before the leaf ninja. I could feel myself growing wet and increasingly warm between my legs.

With both of his hands supporting his slender, but muscular body by holding my wrists down, he found a way to my right breast and began licking it, circling around my nipple, but never touching it. The sensation shot waves of electricity through my body, and I couldn't help thrusting my hips up, although at this point, I was almost completely pinned down and unable to move. Around and around he circled, his warm breath hitting the skin he had moistened with his eager tongue.

"Just take my tit in your mouth," I growled softly, pushing it up toward him in hopes that I might feel his soft tongue on my erect nipple.

However, he merely chuckled a little at my abrasiveness and moved over to the next one, teasing me in the same way as before, licking and kissing every inch of my heavy breast, passing his tongue over the curve it made as it hung down toward my waist, but never giving me the pleasure of feeling my hard nipple swallowed up into his mouth.

He left my breasts, which made me frustrated, as he had not fully satisfied my longing, and then began to make a trail of kisses on my taut stomach. When he got to the edge of my panties, he slipped his tongue beneath the band and licked along the circumference of the thin material. My pussy was pulsating at this point, surge after surge of desire sweeping through my body, carrying me to a place I had never visited, where my rationality was entrapped and my body completely controlled by sexual desire.

In one fell swoop, his mouth entrapped my breast within its soft, warm confines, and his hand slipped into my underwear, sliding between the wet lips of my vagina and slowly rubbing along the nerve-filled bundle that was hidden at the front of my pussy.

The touch alone made me throw back my head, eyes shut tightly and my round hips bucked up. I let out an involuntary moan as the pleasure was too great and expansive to be trapped in silent submission.

With searching fingers, he continued to caress the wet skin between my legs. The pleasure was almost painful. When I opened my eyes to look at him, I could see a smirk on his lustful face, and it became blatantly obvious what this must look like. Here I was, almost naked, squirming at his touch, my large, milky breasts bouncing as my body undulated, one of my arms pinned beneath his wrist and the other grasping at my clean, white sheets. He had stripped me of all my pomp and formality and I was simply laying here, exposed, ripe for his taking. _Why does that make me pleasued? I don't want to be his bitch! He shouldn't be able to disarm me like this_.

My thoughts were cut short when his hand stroked me again, hitting the edge of the entrance into my body this time.

"Oh… Shikamaru," I panted, my hips rocking back and forth, trying to somehow force his hand to continue.

"You want more, Temari, huh?" He smiled down at me, both mockingly and affectionately. "Hmm… I don't know .."

He bent forward and flicked my erect nipple with his tongue.

"Fuck…" I muttered, as my hips bucked forward again and his fingers slightly squeezed my clitoris, sending more shockwaves through my body. "Shikamaru ... please."

"What was that, Temari?" He taunted.

I refused to say it again, and instead used my free hand to pull his face to mine and harshly press my lips against his. I was hungry to devour more and more of him, to lick and bite his warm skin. A more primal sensation urged me to assert myself in some way. I began pulling at his vest, driven almost mad with a desire to see the leaf nin unencumbered with thick clothing.

He sat up, releasing my wrist so that I could devote both hands to the task of stripping him of his traditional chunin garb. Although my hands fumbled with unfamiliarity and lack of experience, it took only a few flurried seconds for me to have his shoulders and stomach bare, and my eyes delighted in what they perceived. Shikamaru was slender, it was true, but not weak or skinny. His finely chiseled chest and defined abdominal muscles made me feel more pressure in my core.

"Holy shit," I murmured, running my hungry hands from his shoulders over rippling muscles and ended by playing at the top of his pants. His erection was highly visible through his pants, and I felt a confusing mixture of insane desire and nipping anxiety at the prospect of finally seeing my friend's manhood. His faced portrayed a satisfied smirk at my obvious approval of his naked chest, but his eyes were heavy with lust.

"Go on," he urged. I swallowed the saliva that had been building up, trying to suppress the anxiety, and power ahead with driving passion and determination.

I unzipped his pants and he lifted his hips, which rested between my legs, so I could pull them off. I was in a hurry to continue our intimate exploration into new territory, and so I slipped my fingers underneath his black pants and boxers and pulled them down in one fluid motion.

I could feel all sorts of unfamiliar and odd physical reactions happening in my body as we proceeded, and the sight of his large, hard cock, protruding from a patch of coarse, dark hair and jutting proudly forward toward me made my heart lurch and more sticky wetness slip from my pussy. However, my head wasn't so clouded by arousal that I couldn't have a little fun.

"Wow, Shikamaru," I teased, trying to look unimpressed. "I'm disappointed. I guess I shouldn't have expected more from a lazy kid like you."

A flash of shock and anger passed over his eyes, but once my face dispelled into a teasing grin, he roughly gripped my hips and pulled them up so that his thick erection was hitting my womanhood. He absorbed one of my nipples into his mouth, sucking, circling and flicking it with his tongue.

"I'm going to get you back for that, Temari," he growled as he moved to give my other tit the same affection.

His forceful mouth on my breasts had stripped me of my desire to tease, and I was ready for him to take me once more. My mind fogged over with a mist of heat, passion, and a deep adoration that was the backbone of my feelings for him from the beginning.

I kissed him passionately with my arms wrapped around his tantalizing and naked body. Going crazy with desire and in need of a way to dispel the tension, I dug my fingers into his back and dragged them down, leaving red scratches behind with my fingernails. I whipped out the band that was containing his hair in a ponytail and grasped two fistfuls, yanking hard, just as I had wanted to. He was moaning his approval of my forceful love.

Suddenly, Shikamaru stopped, and sat back, his face shadowed with contemplation, and his hands clasped in front of his body. My eyes stealing one last all-encompassing look at his sexy naked torso and impressive member, I raised my body onto my elbows, concerned. "What is it?" I asked tenderly. "What's wrong, Shikamaru?"

"Shadow possession jutsu complete," he said evenly and, suddenly, I couldn't move. In my concern, he had performed his trademark jutsu, and now I was trapped, fully naked and unable to do anything but what he wanted me to. He had mastered the jutsu so he could control his victim and make them do whatever he wanted without him having to perform the same action first.

My mind sped through the implications of this.  _Shit_ , I concluded. I was oscillating between shock and intense sexual desire. _I really wish he was lazy and hadn't advanced this practice. I can't do anything. And he can do ... everything. …_

"You… …presumptuous … fucking … little," I sputtered, washed over with anger at his actions, but throbbing with the excitement of being helpless and vulnerable, which meant Shikamaru could do with me what he pleased.

"Now, now Temari, that's no way to talk," he said.

I felt my body flip over so I was lying on my stomach, my breasts pressed into the sheet, my arms stretched out at both sides, the round white orbs of my ass, illuminated by the soft yellow glow from a candle, lying unclothed and unashamed to be viewed by his traveling eyes. He slapped me hard across the tender flesh that faced him, twice on each cheek, leaving slight red marks in the wake of his open palm. I again yelped in pain and felt embarrassed at his daring actions, especially coming from someone younger than me, but my humiliation only heightened my arousal. He then spread my legs apart and I could feel his eyes taking in every inch of my pussy for the first time. Putting his hands on either side of my sprawling body, he hovered over me, supporting his ripped body by his hands and legs, which meant I could feel his chest press against my shoulder blades, his abs against my lower back and his warm, pulsing dick against my exposed pussy and ass.

"Ask me for it, Temari," he said, brushing his warm, hard cock across me, but never penetrating my yearning core.

"Hmph, yeah right," I tried to snort, although the brassiness in my voice was undermined by the fact that my body was quivering with each of his seductive touches.

"Come on, Temari," he urged, a little more roughly, although the tender affection in his eyes was still visible. "I want you to beg me for it."

"You're an ass, Nara," I whimpered. The arousal oozing from my tightened pussy, hot and sticky and smearing his titillating cock, probably made a much more obvious statement about my feelings towards his dominating persona, but I was determined to hold out as long as I could. I hated it when this lazy genius got the best of me, although inside my excitement mounted with each passing second.

He put his mouth close to my ear, his warm breath sending more cooling shivers throughout by body; he bit it gently, and then hissed, "beg."

"Oh, shit," I moaned, as he shifted his body to be supported by one hand so that with the other, he could stroke my tenderness once more. I wanted so badly to be able to thrust up my hips to rub against his fingers, slightly calloused from his ninja training but oh so inviting as they played with my clit. But I couldn't move and his mocking touches continued. It was too much to bear. I wanted more. I needed more.

"Please ... " I gasped at last. "Please, Shikamaru. Fuck me, now. Please... for the love of Suna, just fuck me now ... I'm begging you to fuck me hard."

He chuckled softly and seemed a little too pleased that he had the dignified desert kunoichi right where he wanted and could now play with me like puddy in his hands. I made a mental note to get him back for that later, but right now all I wanted was his delicious, throbbing cock to slide into my anxiously awaiting body.

He bucked his hips against my backside as he kissed down my back. I was on the edge, but I could tell by the pre-cum he had left behind on my voluptuous ass that he was getting ready, too. _I can't believe he finds pleasure in controlling me this way_ , I thought, trying to feel venomous about it, but instead finding it incredibly sexy.

I could feel his hands on both of my hips and he lifted them, causing my back to bend and my pussy to open more.

"Alright, Temari," he conceded, his voice thick with lust. "You can have it."

With that, my senses were heightened anew as I felt his thick cock slide into my slick core, pushing itself in further and further which each thrust. I felt a slight pain at being entered like this for the first time, but as he stretched me and filled me, I let out a deep, primal moan.

"Oh, Shikamaru," I whispered. Having found my sweet spot once, he grasped my hips tighter and began thrusting a bit harder, slamming his hips against my ass, making my cheeks jiggle on each impact.

"Oh, Temari," his voice was throaty and low. "I love to see you like this. I love the feeling of your pussy tight around my dick. I thought I would… but I had no idea."

His sweet honesty layered me with affection. I knew how much I cared for this guy, and it only made my pleasure grow.

He ground harder and harder, and my pleasure heightened, swirling upward and destroying all inhibitions like a tornado. I didn't want to think or analyze. I just wanted to feel. My vision had started to darken and every sense in body was alive with delight. I could feel the tension building, the pain almost completely masked with sheer, unadulterated pleasure.

"Shikamaru," I was no longer whispering, and my tongue formed his name, spitting it out louder and louder with each of his thrusts and every time his hardness penetrated deeply, hitting my sweet spot.

"Temari," he gasped back, his fingers digging into my supple hips, gripping me hard so he could pound me again and again.

Our breaths were growing more haggard, small beads of sweat collecting on our faces. His cock filled me in the most satisfying way, prodding deeper and deeper.

"Fuck… oh, fuck.. Shik..a..maru," I could hardly breathe. He lowered himself to his elbows and slid his hands under my body, grabbing my breasts and squeezing tight all that he could hold. He clasped them tighter as I also tightened around his prodding dick, mounting toward my climax as he slammed into my body.

"Temari," he shouted. "Oh, shit… Temari."

I relished the sound of my name being shouted by my simultaneously endearing and sexy lover. Up…up…up. It built higher and higher. I could barely think, I could barely see, my body was alive in a way it had never been.

"Release," Shikamaru panted, ending his shadow possession hold on me, allowing me to move freely just as finally, in a flash of blinding bliss, my body was hit with an unbelievable wave of pleasure that seeped into every last limb.

"Shikamaru," my voice sounded almost hoarse as I was overwhelmed with my first orgasm. Euphoria took on a whole new meaning.

Seconds later, I could feel his cum spilling inside of me, making me feel full and satisfied and absolutely exhausted.

Sweet sensual satisfaction. I could barely move, and I decided not to. I just wanted to sit and feel and savor what I had just experienced. Shikamaru slipped himself out of me and rolled onto his back beside me, his hands intertwined in his hair, his eyes closed in overwhelming pleasure.

The dim room was pregnant with the heavy air from our first sexual encounter, our pants meshing with the silence in a subtle salute to our shared victory.

"Well done, my friend," I breathed into the darkness. He smiled, though his eyes were still closed, and I imagined he was soaking up the indescribable feeling released by his orgasm. I felt triumphantly gratified and moved my body to snuggle against his, my face upturned so I might memorize the look on his face in this intimate moment that would be only his and mine forever.

My loneliness had subsided, and although I knew it was due to Shikamaru and not by any of my own means as was usually the case, I did not reprimand myself. _A little bit of medicine is necessary every once in a while, as long as you don't become dependent on it_ , I justified in my mind.

"Did you like it?" He asked, breaking my internal analysis of how I should feel about having just fucked the leaf nin. I was surprised to hear a hint of sheepishness in his voice, although I could tell he was trying hard to act like he didn't care.

I kissed his lips in response and said, "I guess you do know  _a little_  about women. Although, I swear, if you ever dare talk to me like that in public I will beat the ever living daylights out of you, you got that, Nara?"

"Fine, fine, Temari. I promise," he drawled and then smirked at me. "Only when we're in the bedroom. Because I know you fucking loved it."

My cheeks flushed bright red and I punched his exposed stomach none to gently, embarrassed that he had found a weakness in me.

"You know… the only reason that mission was successful was because I've been thinking about it for a long, long time," Shikamaru admitted, not a bit ashamed, just frank and open.

"Oh yeah?" I laughed. "Operation 'Get Temari Laid'?"I waited for a second and then asked as nonchalantly as I could, "So it wasn't because you were practicing your 'mission' on others?"

He looked into my eyes and I faltered for a second, worried he had me figured out. Which, of course, he did. "I'll admit it if you want me to. You're the first girl I've ever slept with."

Again,so honest. I tried to disarm him once more. "Oh really? You saving yourself for me, eh, Shikamaru?" I joked, although my heart was exultant at hearing this. I was proud to have had Shikamaru before anyone else. After all, I thought resolutely, I was sure I cared about him more than anyone else could.

He snorted, "Yeah, right. …" he paused. "I guess I've just been busy. You know … trying to become a jonin and all that troublesome stuff. That's your fault, remember? … Eh, but I'll admit, it's hard to even think about another person when one very bossy, annoying, proud and fucking beautiful girl haunts your thoughts."

"What a lovely way to describe me," I glared at him, but my heart melted, softening my face and resolve in the process. I didn't want to put up pretenses. I was tired of always keeping my guard up. In the still of the night, with my body completely satisfied and relaxed, the ivory moonlight spilling through the slightly open window and flowing onto the floor, and Shikamaru's enticing scent giving me a fresh feeling of life and courage I admitted, "You haunt my thoughts too, Shikamaru. … I think I've been falling in love with you for a very long time now. You are my single most favorite person, and I'm happy you are in my life."

It sounded so sappy and corny as soon as it had left my mouth, but I couldn't take it back and I figured there was no reason to. It was all true.

"Wow, I've never seen this soft side of you, Temari," his face was mocking me, but somewhere deep in his eyes there was an incredibly obvious joy. "Where is this coming from? I think I must have fucked the venom out of the desert snake."

"You're a dick, Nara," I punched him again. "Be serious for once, you lazy ass."

He laughed, a happy, full laugh, and wrapped me in his arms, holding me tight and making me feel like the world could crumble and I'd still be safe. He softly kissed my topaz hair and my furrowed brows. Pressing me tight against his warm body so our figures were knotted tight together he whispered, "I love you, too, Temari."


	4. The Still of the Night

I awoke about 4 in the morning with a start, shocked, frozen and maybe a little hung-over. As if I had been jolted awake by a shot of electricity, my body was clenched, my heart pounding and every nerve alive and sensitive.

_What have I done_?

The question blared in my mind, blocks of thick black sans script against a blinding white background that made me feel like I was squinting into the sun. My mind was raging; after having been left in the dust by my sexual instincts last night, it had caught up at last and was ready to scold the shit out of me. The dam had broken and, all at once, I was hit by a dozen reasons why this situation was not appropriate, not becoming of a shinobi, not justifiable for a kunoichi trained in combat and analysis, not acceptable for the sister of the Kazekage. I was known for my calculated mind, my unwavering courage that could border on severity, even cruelty, and here I had been captured by a chunin just on the verge of manhood who unabashedly had stared at my naked body and peered into my very soul.

I thought of my brothers and could feel my face grow hot. Kankuro would make fun of me to no end, that was for sure, and he would probably spread the rumors around like wildfire, not even thinking of how it might ruin my reputation. A dozen different faces of pompous, dignified council members popped into my head and, even in my imagination, I could feel their disapproving stares drilling into me, making me feel smaller than a grain of sand. Gaara was a little more unpredictable. Maybe he wouldn't care. He rarely worried himself with this sort of stuff. I was hopeful. Then, the erotic nature of last night's encounter flashed in my mind, images of intertwined limbs, smothering kisses on hot quivering flesh and sensual moans as Shikamaru hammered me from behind, and I felt more sure that Gaara would probably just go ahead and beat the shit out of the leaf ninja.

My heart was pounding against my chest. _How could you let this happen, Temari? What is wrong with you_?

I tried to inhale more slowly and silence the brawl exploding in my brain. _What do I do?_ I asked myself, trying in vain to suppress the internal conflict, an intense battle between pent up desire that had just been unleashed a few hours ago and my old comrade, convention. I needed to arrive at a rational conclusion.

I immediately went into "fix-it" mode. _It never has to happen again. Never again. No one needs to know. I'll tell Shikamaru to keep his mouth shut on pain of death. I think I can make him do that. He's still afraid of me enough ... I know he thinks I'm overbearing. I can do that ... that could work._

Never again. That was the maxim and I repeated it over and over again, hoping it would stick. I felt the slight nagging of disappointment at that decision, uncertainty nipping away at my resolve.  _... Do I really want it to never happen again?_

_Of course_ ," my logical side answered. _This kind of stuff can't happen. It's a waste of time, an unnecessary distraction. You have too much to do. These types of feelings only slow you down and get in your way. What happened to your dream of becoming the greatest kunoichi to ever exist? You can't accomplish that with this sort of nonsense weighing you down_.

My internal monologue was growing disconcerting, but I couldn't silence it as I lay in frozen silence, trying to regulate my breathing and stop the maddening pounding of my heart.

My senses were alive, and all I wanted to do was run or fight or anything that would require too much physical exertion to allow my brain the freedom of forming quick opinions and judgments. But here I lay, not moving, my back turned toward the warm body of the other person sharing my bed. Keeping him out of sight seemed like a useful tactic for creating a barrier between us. I felt overwhelmed with anxiety and my task of self-psychological flagellation wasn't finished.

I let the minutes pass by and, finally, took a deep breath and turned my head to look at my lover, who was sleeping soundly and breathing deeply.

And just like that, the moment I caught sight of Shikamaru, the icy lump in my chest, being assaulted every which way by my mind with piercing arguments and perspectives, melted into a warm puddle and seeped throughout my frozen body, compelling my unconsciously tight muscles to relax. I was overcome with intense affection and subsequent serenity. He really was fantastic.

_Damn it, Shikamaru_ , I thought fondly. _Why do you have to make me feel this way?_

His long body was tangled in sheets, the soft moonlight illuminating his skin and defining the muscles of his chest as it rose and fell under slumber's guidance, pushing itself into the shadows on the sheets. His usually fixed, pony-tailed hair was wild and loose and a strand fell across his face. I resisted the urge to gently brush it from its resting spot along his strong jaw. How perfect his lips, full and content, yet, even in his sleep, they seemed to be upturned in a sly smile.

_I wonder if his mind ever really stops working. Stupid genius_.

His left arm was stretched forward, almost as if reaching for me, and I realized I had probably fallen asleep with it wrapped around my waist. Only his fingers remained touching my bare back and I was bewildered by the acute intimacy evoked by so small a touch. The Nara clan's symbol was tattooed in black ink on his toned bicep. My eyes traveled down his back, devouring every inch of what was visible among the tangled sheets, from his tight ass to his taut, tan legs, and what I could make out of his rippling stomach and private area from his current position, sprawled out on my bed.

I was enjoying the opportunity to just look and take him in, without him looking back, analyzing me and inevitably finding a way to get one step ahead of me.

I turned back to consider my thoughts now that they had been dangerously infiltrated with a quiet peace and powerful love that I was not used to encountering. I wondered for a second if all I was feeling for Shikamaru was lust compounded by the unmatchable dish of pleasure he had just served me. But as I cast another look at him and considered his wit, his intelligence, his lazy but endearing habit of cloud-watching, his loyalty to his village, clan and friends, his nonchalance broken now and again with incredibly intense empathy and his laid-back nature, I knew it wasn't just that. Shikamaru had gotten under my skin - how, I didn't know since he wasn't one for putting forth the kind of effort to make that happen - and I knew my feelings were rooted somewhere deep within me where they had been allowed to blossom to full maturity under the guise of their nonexistence.

I heard movement beside me. My body froze as I felt the bed jiggle a little as Shikamaru stirred, and then sat up, stretching almost inaudibly and getting out of bed, slowly and quietly.

I wondered for a moment what was going through his head, if he knew that I was awake, if his plan was to dress quickly and slip out so we wouldn't be forced to discuss what had just happened ... at least not with our clothes off. I heard him pick up his pants and slip them on and I felt an irrationally large mixture of relief and disappointment wash over my body. _That's fine_ , I thought bitterly. _Just let him go_.

However, he didn't leave. In the seconds that followed, I could hear him shuffling around, using slow, concise movements to keep the noise down. He crept quietly to sit by the window, which was still slightly opened and permitting early morning's sharp and clean-feeling air to waft through.

_This is stupid_ , I thought at last, feeling a tinge of humiliation by my immaturity. _Pretending to be sleeping while I'm not. Seriously, Temari. You've never acted this juvenile before_.

Swallowing once, I sat up, wrapping the sheet around me and turning to look at his body, situated on a bench by the window and cloaked in night's final bout of moonlight. He jumped a little as my movement had startled him and shot me a look, his eyes wide.

"Oh, shit, did I wake you up? I'm sorry," He said hurriedly, almost apologetically, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Eh, I've been dozing off and on for a bit." That was close enough to the truth, I decided. He relaxed again, nonchalantly resting his head against the wall, slouched forward, with a look of contentment on his face. I climbed out of bed, making sure the sheet was clinging to my otherwise naked body, and went to sit beside him. It shocked me that there was not an ounce of awkwardness to be found in the situation. I thought discomfort and clumsy behavior would be inevitable. I folded my arms on the windowsill, resting my head among their familiar, fleshy comfort. Rain had sprinkled down through the night and the air was filled with the scent of moist soil and the sound of chirping crickets. The provocative smell of a flower bush, freshly bathed and brazenly emitting a heavy aroma of overpowering sweetness, permeated the close area we shared.

Shikamaru was looking out the window, his face not reflective of whatever thoughts were streaming through his mind, although his brows were knitted together as they often were when he was thinking.

"You like watching the sky just as much at night?" I asked, turning my head to the side so I could glance up at him, my face relaxed in a loving smile."What is it exactly that you're looking for, Nara?"

He shrugged, but his head tilted to the side as he considered my question. "Maybe answers, maybe nothing. Just enjoying it, the vastness and everything it contains. Wondering what our significance is in a universe so large. Sometimes I'm not thinking anything and just looking. Maybe tonight I'm searching for a reason for how I got lucky enough to sleep with the most gorgeous girl in the world."

I blushed and relished the warm sensation trickling down inside my torso.

He reached into his pocket to pull out a cigarette and lighter. He lit up the thin tan and white stick and put it between his lips, his eyes still focused on something in the abyss of the waning night sky. Soon the heavy scent of smoke was circling around me, wrapping me in a surprisingly comforting embrace and making my head feel as though it was brimming with stuffy cobwebs. I figured he must have picked up this practice from his sensei, Asuma.

"Are you serious?" I asked, involuntarily and indifferently. "Smoking at this time of night? That doesn't seem like a very good habit."

"Are  _you_ serious, woman?" He asked back immediately, albeit casually, refusing to get riled up. He rolled his eyes and let out a sigh. "Do you have to nitpick at everything I do? You really are such a pain."

I shrugged, "Whatever. I'm just not taking the rap if Tsunade is mad that her apartment suddenly smells like cigarette smoke."

"Oh yeah?" He asked, an intelligent smile crossing his face. "Who are going to tell her was in here smoking, Temari? Just going to straight up confess that I lit up a cigarette to unwind after we screwed?"

"Shit," I muttered under my breath, defeated. "Well ... whatever ... it's still a bad habit."

He chuckled and reached out his free hand to squeeze my knee. "You're a lot of trouble, you know that, Temari?" his voice was saturated with affection and he turned at last to gaze at me with his intense, hawk-like eyes. In another overwhelmingly tender move, he reached up to brush one of my golden curls that had gone rogue and tuck it safely behind my ear.

"I'm a lot of trouble?" I didn't sound at all offended, and it was probably because my heart was as soft as goo right now. "You're the one who can't get up off his lazy ass and become a jonin already. You're the one who has to be pushed and prodded to do every single little task because you can't take the initiative to do it yourself."

I thought for a second that I had offended him, as he sat in silence, eyes lazily cast downward. "Well, you know, Temari," he said at last, smirking at me, "you're the one who has to be prodded good and hard to stop acting like an old stuck up gargoyle who belittles everything, so I guess we're made for each other."

There it was. That familiar rise of my temper, mixed with an impulse to laugh. I hadn't known if our sappy confession of love would alter the scale of our balanced relationship, and I was more than glad that it hadn't. Shikamaru was the same old Shikamaru, and I was still me, but we had only become more real versions of ourselves, more honest, more willing to be exposed and vulnerable solely in front of one another, although I figured the way of ninja that required almost complete abandonment of showing emotion still would dictate our professional relationship. But here, in the safe confines of this placid night, with our bodies so close and not another soul interrupting our intimacy, I felt safe. From that startling realization, I opened up to him a little more, and we talked for the next half an hour or so, tightening the bonds we had artfully gotten ourselves stuck in.

Night was dwindling. Along the horizon, the compact black of the sky was being blurred and lightened as if someone was rubbing at it with an eraser, creating a strip of foggy translucent cobalt blue along the silhouette of distant mountains.

"Make sure you throw that away," I said, pointing to the cigarette stub Shikamaru had set on the window sill when he had finished. He rolled his eyes again, but complied. I watched him walk away, soaking in the sight of his bare arms and back and the outlines of his ass that I could see through his black pants. It made me inadvertently feel all hot and bothered.

Although I was a little sore, I could feel my nether lips beginning to tingle again and I knew that I wanted him, at least one more time, especially since I had no idea what tomorrow would hold or what the daytime Temari would decide was appropriate. He sat back down, slouched forward, but as his eyes studied me and he sensed the change in my mood, he began to smile. He was too observant for his own good, and I decided to act quickly.

_This time_ , I thought. _It will be different. I will have him, not the other way around_. At least this time around, he did not have the upper hand of having previously wanted this encounter to happen for a long time and, therefore, analyzing and strategizing to make sure all went according to his plan.

I let the sheet slip from my body, allowing my ample curves to entrance him - he was still a young man, after all - and fell to my knees, roughly shoving his legs apart so I could kneel between them. His eyes were immediately infiltrated with shock and lust as I slipped my slender fingers into the waist of his pants and yanked them down. Almost mechanically, Shikamaru lifted his hips so I could pull them to his ankles.

I congratulated myself.  _I've got him off guard_.

Never did I think there would be a day I could get one step ahead of the exasperatingly smart Leaf nin, and I savored my conquest, regardless of its minuscule and somewhat unorthodox form.

I resisted the urge to suck in my breath at seeing his erect cock for only the second time in my life. How sexy it was. I took it into my hand, reveling in its simultaneous soft skin and hard mass, and I began to move my hand up and down, my fingers gripped tightly around his shaft. His abdomen became more defined as he flexed his muscles in response to my seductive caresses.

"Oh fuck, Temari," he muttered under his breath. His hands reached out desperately for my head and dove into my hair, entrapping the tresses amid clenched fists. His eyes were fixated on my breasts, which were bouncing in time to my increasingly fast jerks upward on his pulsating dick. My dark pink nipples were as erect as his manhood, proudly displaying the inner satisfaction I felt at giving my lover so much pleasure. Up and down I dragged my fingers, starting at his base and traveling up to give the head some extra attention. Staring up into his eyes, I moved my head forward and wasted no time in enveloping his cock in my eager mouth, drawing out a deep, uninhibited groan from the leaf nin, whose grip on my curls tightened. There was something incredibly moving about kneeling before Shikamaru, working over his throbbing member with tight lips and an open tongue.

I was overcome with how happy and fulfilled it made me to look up from under my thick lashes and see his head thrown back, his eyes shut and every muscle of his body flexed as the painfully glorious tension grew. I took as much of it in my mouth as I could, and then reached out my hands to clench his hips and dig my fingernails into his muscles, dragging them forward and scratching the sides of his ass and thighs in the process. He groaned louder and called out my name into the serenity and stillness of the early morning now creeping up on us. I worked my tongue and plush lips to the rhythm with which he was gently thrusting his hips forward and fucking my mouth. I licked along the crevice created by the conjoining of his shaft and head, trying to make sure I hit all of the most sensitive areas with a little extra devotion.

"Oh fuck, Temari," he groaned again. "I want you to ride me."

I bobbed my head down a few more times, sucking like a vacuum at his cock, extracting more moans from Shikamaru, and then I stood up and straddled his lap, feeling his member against my warm pussy. I draped my arms over his shoulders and pushed the fleshy mounds on my chest into his face, rolling my hips on his lap. I was growing more and more wet and my pussy was tightening as my arousal ascended.

"Damn, you're sexy," he chuckled softly, his voice muffled as he buried his face in my tits. He added forcefully, "Now let me inside of you, Temari. And ride me hard."

I obeyed, once again excited at him ordering me around, although any other time I would be furious at such a bossy demeanor from someone a rank lower than me. I indulged my core on the length of his hard cock, basking in the feeling of it hitting me deep inside. Our bodies moved together as one unit as I thrust my hips against him roughly. He slid his fingers between the wet lips of my pussy so that he could play with my clit. One touch from his friendly fingers and my head swung back in delight, which only gave him a better view of my monstrous breasts.

"Shit, Shikamaru," I sighed. It felt unbelievably beautiful to have his fingers rubbing my exposed pussy and his thick cock digging in deeper, time and time again to hit my sweet spot. I was becoming more and more stimulated, swept up in the sweet intimacy of our love-making, not as rough as before, but just as overwhelming to my every sense. I was washed over again and again with pleasure and moved my body up and down to grind against his dick with my pussy. He kissed me along my collarbone and I was certain I could feel him looking over my slender shoulder to take in the view of my fully naked ass cheeks that bounced a little every time I rolled my hips on his manhood. My guess was confirmed as I felt the arousing sting of his hand slamming down hard on my ass. He kept it there and squeezed the tender flesh firmly as I bucked my hips against him adamantly. He continued to caress the nerve-filled skin between my legs, matching my thrusts stroke for stroke.

"Damn, Temari," he gasped. The walls of my pussy were contracting as I got closer and closer to climaxing, but I desperately wanted him to come first. I continued riding him, harder and harder, driven by a desire to fuck the shit out of Shikamaru and give him the most intense pleasure he had ever felt. That determination soaked me with an exotic and brilliant sensation.

"I want you to come inside of me," I whispered, pressing my lips to his cheek in a rather chaste display of affection that nicely contrasted our nether flesh synchronously grating against each other. The combination was doing him in and I loved it. For good measure, I bit his ear, rolling my tongue on his earring and scratched down his back with my nails as the walls of my pussy tightened around his substantial member.

"Oh fuck... fuck .. fuck," the volume of his voice was increasing, making me worry for a split second if any vendors were getting an earful as they made their way out to the market. 'Shit, Temari. Temari. Temari! Fuck, Temari!"

With one last cry of my name, he exploded inside of me. The whole experience had riled up my pussy as well, though and I knew I would experience my second orgasm within a few seconds.

Satisfied now that I had accomplished my goal, I released myself from controlling any conscious thoughts and focused on thrusting myself against him and allowing my body to just feel each and every movement with delight. I breathed in deeply, absorbing his intoxicating scent.

"Shikamaru," I moaned, my voice sounding hoarse as I savored the sound of his name coming out of my parched lips. "Oh, I love you, Shikamaru. Shikamaru. Shikamaru!"

A wave of bliss crashed against every inch of my body, inside and out, and I felt almost knocked unconscious at its intensity. All my muscles clenched one last time to force the orgasm into greater ferocity, and then collectively relaxed. My body slumped against Shikamaru, exhausted, bewildered and in love. We sat like that for a few minutes, too tired to move and I felt him soften inside of me. It was perfect. That was the only word my mind would toss out to me and I was content with that.

I climbed off of him and pulled him up, smiling sleepily at his face, which showed no hint of deep thoughts running through his brain and rather absolute contentment. We climbed back into bed, exhausted, like two champions who had just conquered a fierce competitor and could now slumber in peace for a few more hours without a care in the world.

The last shades of night were being erased and the sun was pushing out of bed slowly but surely, announcing its presence on the sky with fiery shades of pink and red, catching a few scattered, wispy clouds on fire with its bold entrance. The birds sang a melodious wake-up calm and the flowers issued forth another wave of sweet aroma to be carried safely among the inviting warmth of sun-kissed breezes that played with the bundle of our coiled bodies, sticky with sweat and now, I calculated, attached for life.

_So much for not being dependent_ , I mused as I drifted back to sleep, secure in Shikamaru's strong but loving embrace.


	5. Brothers Arrive

The next time I awoke was just as unpleasant, but this time it was because of external reasons, not because of an inferno ranging within me. My peaceful slumber had been rudely interrupted by a perfunctory knocking on my door that registered as completely obnoxious to me.

"Coming," I shouted groggily as I reluctantly swung my legs out of bed and darted around my room, picking up enough clothes and yanking them on so I could look at least somewhat respectable when I answered the door. I forced my eyes to stray away from the young man sprawled out asleep in my bed, knowing that looking at him would only make me more disappointed to be back in the real world of duty and responsibility.

"Yes?" I tried not to sound grumpy as I addressed the messenger who had been sent by Hokage Tsunade.

"The Hokage would like to speak with you, Temari-sama," the messenger was cowering and I knew I hadn't hidden my displeasure as well as I had wanted to.

"Of course. I'll be there momentarily," I tried to soften my countenance but it didn't prevent the young genin, now finished with his unfortunate task, from quickly dropping his head in a respectful nod and then dashing away from me as quickly as possible.

I chuckled softly as I shut the door and then busied myself getting ready. I could feel a damp, indistinguishable conglomeration of emotions beginning its descent over me, but I knew now was not the time to be figuring out the nuances of last night's encounter or what it would mean for Shikamaru and I, if anything at all. There would be a time for that later, or maybe it wasn't worth devoting thought or time to at all.

I was none too gentle as I bound my hair into four pigtails and I figured the roughness would suffice as an outlet for my disappointment at least for the time being. I heard Shikamaru stirring, and I turned to look at him, unable to stop myself from smiling.

"You have to go?" He yawned and squinted up to me, trying to block out the bright cheery sunlight pouring through my windows and shamelessly running over his naked body.

"Yeah, for a bit." I wanted so badly to lean over and kiss him, but I was afraid of how that might stir my sexual desires, so I refrained. My pussy was already throbbing at the sight of his exposed torso that showed off his defined muscles to perfection. "I have to go see the Hokage. I'll be back. Just rest -"

The unfinished sentence hung awkwardly in the air, as I couldn't figure out in time whether to cap it off with "my love" or "your lazy ass." What was I supposed to call him now? We had not validated a change in our relationship, and I didn't want to be the first one to make such a move. Having sensed as much, Shikamaru gave me a knowing smirk and then let his body fall back on the bed so he could keep sleeping. The matter would wait to be addressed later, and I was glad I didn't have to deal with it now.

I hurried out the door, discombobulated and trying desperately to scramble and collect my scattered thoughts that danced mischievously here and there, making a mess of my normally organized brain. I couldn't show up to see the Leaf Hokage as disoriented as I was. I took a few deep breaths and tried recalling every trick in the book for being in control of one's thoughts and emotions. Shinobis were not supposed to be expressive, and hiding my feelings was a tactic I had developed beyond the demands of my position - I was a master when it came to manipulation of my own emotions. Luckily, years of training paid off. By the time I got to the Hokage residence, I had cloaked my body in the proper demeanor and expression.

"Lady Hokage," I bowed my head politely as I was led in by Shizune to see Tsunade.

Tsunade sat at her desk, her chin resting on her clasped hands, her intelligent eyes doing enough to show she acknowledged my presence even though I could tell, deep down, she was preoccupied with other more demanding thoughts and issues.

"I have received word from the Kazekage for you," she said matter-of-factly. "I believe he would like you stay for a few more days, as he and Kankuro will be arriving with several genin from your village for the Chunin Exams to take place the day after tomorrow."

She handed me the folded note delivered by a messenger bird, but I knew she had covered all the relevant information it contained. Messages sent by birds were never as informative or descriptive as those sent by shinobis, least of all my brother. I was a little confused what had changed his mind about coming to the exams. Before I left, he said he probably would abstain, especially considering the fragile nature both he and our village were in. But then, Gaara was nothing if not deeply respectful of longstanding traditions.

Tsunade continued, "I have not yet heard from the unit I dispatched to meet with Sasori's informant. It is now several days past when I expected them back. I figure the Kazekage being here will give me the opportunity to converse directly with him as any information is revealed or new developments take place. I have several sensitive issues to speak with him about that I believe will be important for the Sand, as well. Could you please direct him here when he arrives?"

"Of course, Lady Hokage," I nodded my head respectfully.

"Also, you are welcome to speak with us about the matters, and I'm sure the Kazekage's body guard and chief of security will want to, as well. That is permissible." With that, she began flipping through paperwork again, and I knew I was dismissed.

I didn't fault her for her choppy actions and lacking sense of direction. I was well aware she had a lot to deal with right now, even though I was not as up to speed as Gaara on developments in the Hidden Leaf Village or the Akutski's plans or Orochimaru's moves. Even he wasn't told everything. We were allies, but I wasn't positive we had quite built back the trust we had destroyed by partnering with Orochimaru and Village Hidden in the Mist. That was one of the few subjects Shikamaru and I didn't breach - it was just a little too awkward and I figured my saving his ass from Tayuya had made up for it.

I thought of him as I left Tsunade's residence. The sun was beating down on the Hidden Leaf Village, which was alive and vibrant, filled with commotion at this hour. Colors seemed bright and every last detail in the world around me – from the dark green blades of grass and the white clouds that didn't seem to be in the sky so much as on top of it, to the sound of two women haggling over the price of a clay pot – possessed an unprecedented clarity. It was a clarity that somehow was transposed to my mind.

I suddenly had a very concrete picture of reality in my head, of who I was and what was happening right now. I saw the demands on my life and I knew the dark, unspeakable passions of night could not fit into my world right now. The daytime provided a perfect backdrop for me to play out in my head what it would mean to let myself love Shikamaru, or more so, to execute that love.

I was pretty sure the actual "loving him" train had come and gone with my heart on it. But that didn't mean I could let myself get swept up in some fairy-tale romance. Such allowance no longer seemed possible when I presented it to myself when everything was light, defined, and orthodox. There wasn't time for this, I thought logically. My calculations were followed up with the sense that these thoughts were not unexpected. I _knew_ this would happen. I _knew_ that eventually I would wake from the dream and see things as they really were. Now was not the time or place. Somewhere deep within me, there was a sinking feeling, but it was more of an impression. I stopped it before it could register in my brain and force me to experience it as painful.

Somehow, I felt outside of myself and I knew it was better this way. In the same way that it's easier to see the right course of action in someone else's life when you are not them and, therefore, unaffected by the accompanying emotions of their experiences, I knew I could be much more logical when I stepped outside of my sometimes weak flesh and simply took stock of the situation as if I was summing up a mathematics problem. I could calculate the distance of almost any two points in space, simply from years of training. And I could strategize a plan for Temari's personal life that she could put into action in the same methodical, uninvolved way.

With my mind now straightened out and my thoughts both symmetrical and in line with the cannon of knowledge from ninja training that I had stored inside, I resolutely headed home. I needed to talk to Shikamaru before I had time to let my desires back into my body. I had to keep the sensitive, vulnerable version of myself locked out with no access to my actions, and I knew the daylight was a much safer time to carry out this mission. There was too much ambiguity at night.

I opened the door to my apartment, forcefully, driven by determination, but it was empty. The bed was unmade – go figure – and the window was still slightly up. I shook my head in annoyance. Shikamaru most likely would be the messiest boyfriend ever.

_Temari, don't think like that._ I warned myself. _He is not your boyfriend. He will not be your boyfriend._

Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a new artifact on my desk, adding a little bit of color to the grey, undecorated apartment. It seemed almost out of place. I went over to have a look and, upon doing so, I could feel my heart softening like a clump of sand washed over by a warm, sun-kissed wave. In an instant, I was unexpectedly caught up in the current.

A single flower, boasting large, garnet-colored petals and a long green stem, was relaxing lazily on my desk in a most true reflection of its giver. Next to it sat a crisp note, hastily written in large sprawling letters, which read, "Obviously, I'd rather spend the day in bed with you, but I had to go finish preparations for the exams. Have a good day. Stay out of trouble and please don't terrorize my village, beautiful."

I gritted my teeth, trying to hold back the gust of affection rising up in me. I could picture him saying these words, punctuated with that infuriating grin, his eyes both teasing and serious, and undeniably penetrating.

_Damn you, Shikamaru_ , I thought for the second time that day in response to this Leaf shinobi's ability, even when not in my presence, to get inside my head and mess with my resolve. It was like he was always one fucking step ahead of me, ready with the perfect response to diffuse whatever emotion I was feeling, or to completely annihilate my perfectly constructed strategy.

Before I could be fragmented by these unfamiliar, discomforting feelings, I stashed the note in my bra, viciously pulled out the desk drawer and laid the flower inside – being careful in spite of myself to not crumple the petals - and hurled myself out the front door. If I couldn't repress my thoughts of Shikamaru with mental dexterity, then I would simply go out and train until I was too exhausted to think at all.

I ran to the outskirts of the village, liberated by the counterfeit feeling that I was running away, and used the hours of the day, lengthened by my desire for evasion, to dominate the physical world and exert my effort in practicing every jutsu I knew, especially the ones I had not quite mastered. I was going to be get back in control of at least something in my life, if it was the last thing I did.

 

* * *

 

The most welcoming thing was to wake up the next morning, revived by the slumber reserved for those who have grossly punished their bodies with uninhibited physical exertion, and head out to the village gate to meet up with my brothers.

I had stayed out last night and trained until the temperature had dropped below being comfortable for my body, which was conditioned for desert temperatures and didn't quite know how to react to the volatility of the Leaf weather.

By the time I was done, the moon was high in the sky and my body, soul, and mind were overcome with raw exhaustion. When I arrived back at my apartment, I didn't know if I should anticipate seeing Shikamaru or not. The question hung concisely in my mind, clear and alone, unencumbered with expectation, as I was too tired to figure out whether I more desired him to be there or not be there. He didn't come. I thought about feeling disappointed, or maybe, I thought about what I should do with my disappointment. I wasn't sure which was right. But never once did it occur to me that seeking him out would be a logical way to rectify the disappointment if it did exist. Did it? I was still pondering this question as I drifted off to sleep, accompanied only by the sound of rain drops pattering on my window.

Only on the brink of deep, sleep-induced unconsciousness – when the strict rationality guarding my conscious thought decided its day's work was finished and I was no longer in danger of being breached with emotions so had gone off duty  – did a thought sneak across my mind: there was indeed someone very warm, welcoming and desirable missing from the sizable cold bed cradling my lonesome body that yearned for the caress of a very particular hand and the companionship of one infuriating genius.

I was encased in the comfort of familiarity when I caught sight of two prominent figures standing at the entrance of the Hidden Leaf Village. The first things that caught my eye were Kankuro's vivid face paint and a flash of Gaara's unmistakable hair, as red and untamed as molten lava. I felt content knowing that, whatever happened, my bonds with my family would always carry a significance and strength massive enough to get me through.

While Kankuro and I always had been close, maybe due to our slight isolation from the outside world as children of Sunagakure's Fourth Kazekage and probably because we all had been embedded with a sort of natural overconfidence that could sometimes border on snobbery, our relationship with Gaara had improved only in the past few years. The three of us were always an impenetrable team, but what had once been a relationship controlled by fear was now one driven by respect, loyalty and fondness – and probably a little bit of crazy over-protectiveness on my part. I had always had a desire to look after my brothers, but now I wasn't sure what I would do to someone who hurt them.

I rushed to greet them and the genin who were in tow.

"I thought you weren't planning on coming," I clasped Gaara's hand, knowing he probably wouldn't permit me to hug him in public. Keeping up appearances, and all that. After all, when we were together on display for watching and often judgmental eyes, Gaara was Kazekage, Kankuro was his body guard and head of Sand security and I was the ambassador. We never strayed from those statuses when others were around.

"I hadn't originally. But I thought it would be best try to keep up with traditions, especially when things are volatile. We must show a strength and stability, and the exams are important to the village and to the shinobis who participate. I also wanted to speak with the Hokage."

I smiled at his formality. Knowing I wouldn't get a more personal reason, I turned to Kankuro to give him a quick hug. Although more than a year younger than me, he was several inches taller and a lot broader.

As per Tsunade's instructions, I led our trio toward her residence while the genin hurried off to practice.

"Do you know what she wanted to talk to us about?" Kankuro asked quietly.

I flashed him a smile. "Of course not, numbskull," I scoffed. "Tsunade doesn't waste words, and she wouldn't have told me only to repeat it when you all got here."

"Temari, you really ought to call her the Hokage," Gaara interjected, his voice steady, almost bored-sounding.

"However," I continued, brushing past my brother's reproach. He may be the Kazekage, but he was still my little brother. "I can't imagine it's good news. She has seemed very worried, and extremely preoccupied."

"These are definitely trying times," Gaara said thoughtfully, his mind already trying to follow through recent events and predict what all could be putting the Leaf Hokage on edge.

We hurried up the stairs of the palace and ran into Shizune, running down the hall, holding Tsunade's squealing pet pig, her eyes ablaze with panic. In my many visits to the Hidden Leaf Village I had come to realize Tsunade had a way of giving people that look more often than not.

"We can probably show ourselves in," I said to the two following me. I felt rather comfortable here and enjoyed getting to exercise my knowledge of the village.

Tsunade's door was ajar, and we entered.

"Lady Hokage," I announced. "My brother has arrived."

Gaara cast me a meaningful glance that clearly read, _Temari, what have I told you about saying things like that?_  I shrugged sheepishly as I turned to shut the door behind us. It just sounded so awkward to say the Kazekage. I had never even called my father that, and Gaara was three years younger than me.

Gaara went forward to bow before Tsunade and I was pleased to see that she stood and showed him the same respect. Unfortunately, not everyone treated Gaara with the respect he deserved as Kazekage, being so young and all, a fact that never ceased to frustrate me. I was allowed to address him irreverently, but I'd be damned if I'd let anyone else do the same.

"Lord Kazekage. I trust your journey went well," she sat back down, leaning forward and using her clasped hands to support her chin.

My brother nodded to indicate yes and Tsunade continued. This certainly would be a meeting marked with brevity, I speculated.

Tsunade wasted no time in quickly and curtly repeating to Gaara and Kankuro what she already had told me, about Orochimaru's recent actions and his plan to transpose himself into Sasuke's body, telling us that had to happen within the next six months. Some of it we knew already, some of it was new information.

"I am concerned now that the Akutski will try to invade the Leaf to get Naruto's Jinchuuriki," she said openly, her voice unmarked by any emotion. I saw a small glint of pain pass through Gaara's eyes, reflecting the memories triggered by these words, as well as his empathy for Naruto. However, he merely continued to listen intently.

"We have no idea how this attack would come or how it might damage the village. My challenge is to protect both Naruto and the rest of my people. Unfortunately, we are running low on shinobis and I am spreading them thin in all areas. But I believe I have calculated the best strategy to utilize my resources."

She paused for a moment, her mind wandering off, something that did not happen under normal circumstances. I knew the pressure was mounting for her. I took her concern and her abnormal behavior as signs we were on the brink of something huge, dark and unknowable, but undoubtedly terrifying.

"Of course," Gaara said, "we will do anything in our power to offer assistances, as you have done for my village. I cannot be sure the Sand is out of danger, but it does not seem so imminent for us. Just give the word, and I will send you reinforcement."

A slight smile shadowed Tsunade's concerned eyes. "Thank you, Lord Kazekage. I know, unfortunately, that we will need it. I think it is incredibly important that we maintain a constant stream of communication from our villages. Temari has been most useful in that respect…. Also ... there may be other developments, " her voice faltered. "But we will wait to discuss those until I have confirmed the information…."

My curiosity was sparked, but we all knew better than to press her.

"Thank you for coming," she stood up abruptly. "I will request your presence again as I find out more. For now, I will see you tomorrow at the exams, yes?"

"Yes, Lady Hokage" Gaara replied, bowing.

"Temari, you can show them to the apartments. I'm sorry we do not have better accommodations for you, Lord Kazekage."

"They will be perfect. Thank you."

"Shizune can get you keys," Tsunade already had began scribbling things down and, once again, it was obvious her mind was completely consumed with her next task.

"You're right," Kankuro whispered quietly once we were far enough from her room for her not to overhear his best effort at being quiet, which really wasn't at all. He could be the worst loud-mouth ever, both figuratively and literally, but I still loved him. "She's all over the place. Maybe she's senile."

I rolled my eyes. "Well, I mean, you heard everything she told us. She has a lot to think about. I've kind of gotten used to it. But is has a way of worrying me, too."

"We must try to help in any way possible," Gaara said thoughtfully. "If it weren't for the Leaf, I wouldn't be alive."

"Hn," we both nodded thoughtfully.

I showed the guys back to the apartment where they each had a room next to mine.

All the activity that day had nicely kept my mind preoccupied and I was pleased I had barely thought of Shikamaru. We hadn't seen each other since the morning after … It had only been one full day, and I knew he was busy preparing for the exams, but it did make me curious. I sensed I had no idea what was going on, and I wasn't exactly sure how it would be when we saw each other again, especially if surrounded by people. I couldn't tell if his lack of contact with me was because he was busy, too lazy to make the effort, or if this simply was his way of sending a message.

_If that lazy ass kid got me to have a one-night stand with him, I will beat the shit out of him,_  I thought angrily. I knew it wasn't in his character to pull such a stunt, and I secretly remembered with fondness when he had said those cherished words of "l love you," but having a reason to be upset with him helped. It prevented me from being consumed by worries. Also, I had to remind myself, I didn't even know that I wanted to see him again .. not yet. I wasn't sure what I planned on doing in regards to our relationship. Out of sight, out of mind. Procrastination had never been my forte, but it currently served as my best friend.

"Hey," Kankuro interrupted my thoughtful journey with a punch in the arm. "Let's go train. I miss having a somewhat worthy opponent. Gaara always is too busy and everyone else is shit."

I laughed, "Of course you think they are. … It's probably true, though."

We could be a little pretentious some times. I was excited to be able to train with him, though, as it had been several days, and fighting with Kankuro really was good practice.

We stopped by my room so I could get my fan and then headed out to a clearing in the forest on the outskirts of town where I had spent the whole day yesterday. It was a nice relief to be able to work out in the mild temperatures provided by the Leaf Village. Training in the desert was exhausting. The mid-afternoon sky was an electrifying blue and only few wispy clouds sojourned lazily across its wide expanse. The sun descended brightly but slowly through the sharp blue. The stately trees cast down long, ominous shadows. … Shadows.

Damn. That couldn't be all it took, could it be?

_I am tired of thinking about him_ , I whined mentally. That wasn't entirely true. Sometimes I liked replaying that beautiful night in my mind, and, to be completely honest with myself, there had been a point last night when it registered that the hours were cold and lonely in comparison. There had been a few moments yesterday and today when I longed to see him again so we could confront what had happened, maybe even make it happen again.

_No, no, no_ , I shouted to myself as I fought back a dirty scene beginning to take shape in my mind. _You aren't allowed to want that_! I shouted to the all-too-real-looking and shockingly pleasing image of me tied to his headboard as the Leaf nin pounded me hard.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Kankuro asked almost affectionately after one of his kunai knives grazed my right arm, cutting through my shirt and a layer of my skin. We stopped our practice for a second and I tried to catch my breath and hide my embarrassment. Never before had my little brother been able to hurt me with so rudimentary a skill while we were out training together. At least the blood rushing to my cheeks and making them bright red could be attributed to our workout and no one but I would ever have cognizance of the secret taboo images that had darted into my mind without my consent.

"I don't know," I smiled and shrugged it off. "Got a lot on my mind I guess. I also kind of feel bad for kicking your ass every week. Thought I'd throw you a bone."

"Oh yeah?" Kankuro shot back, wasting no time in unraveling one of the scrolls from his back. "You'll eat those words by the time I'm done with you, Temari."

I was glad my younger sibling was so feisty and competitive as to not press the matter, and I tried to suppress those nagging questions of how to approach Shikamaru, if we would act like good old chums and nothing more, and how in the world I would go about swallowing my desire to pounce him the second I saw him. The good thing was that Crow was coming straight for me, giving me only a few seconds to whip out my fan and no time at all to think up the answers to these questions.

Our fighting intensified until we had reached our peak and were at the point that continuing further would mean one of us getting seriously damaged.

"I think we can safely say I won," Kankuro said, managing to sound cocky even through his pants. He fell to floor, his arms thrown on either side of him. I sat down where I was, several yards away and sucked in the sweet, cool air missing from my lungs, which pumped excitedly in response.

"Yeah, whatever," I laughed. "You couldn't come close to beating me, you stuck-up dick."

"You're just a sore loser, fattie." He never missed an opportunity to make fun of the way my womanly curves could sometimes slow me down or get in my way with their extra poundage. It had been his affectionate nickname for me since as long as I could remember … probably since the time when I was, in fact, a husky 7-year-old... but I still gave him a withering glare.

"I  _will_  take this further," I warned. "We stopped before I could even use my new jutsu, but you keep that up, and I will beat you senseless."

He laughed and stood from his resting place in the soft grass to catch up with me. Suddenly, he stopped and bent over.

"Hey, Temari," he called. "You dropped something. ..Wait … what is this?"

My brows furrowed in confusion, the information slowly leaking into my brain. I froze as it registered. My hand instinctively went up to my left breast.

_Shit_. I thought, red lights glaring a warning in my mind. My head was buzzing with anxiety. _Please don't read it. Please, please don't read it._

In an instant, I had thrown myself over the distance between us and snatched the white slip of paper out of his hand as he was opening it, causing him to start, his hands instinctively thrown up in defense in response to my aggressive actions.

"Woah, what the hell?" He laughed, his expression a mass of fierce curiosity and amusement.

Damn my stupid sentimentality. Why had I decided to keep it stuffed there again today just to have it close by? I was an idiot.

I managed to seem outwardly unaffected while I tucked Shikamaru's note away – into my belt this time – and tried to act as if my most recent actions hadn't been wildly obnoxious and odd. "It's nothing. Just some notes I wrote on a technique I'm working on. I don't want to lose the progress I've made."

He gave me a queer look, indicating that he didn't quite believe me and wanted desperately to pry further. I smiled before he could conjure up opinions about what I could be hiding and I dashed forward, calling out behind me, "Race you back!"

I knew that would get him. Kankuro didn't know how to not put up a fight when he was offered the chance. I could sense him running after me, slowly gaining ground, so I poured out more energy, stretching my thick legs further apart to pick up speed.

We were both gasping for breath and hyped up on endorphins as we sprinted into the village.

And then, with no fanfare, no blinding light or magnificent tribute to match the buildup within in my heart, I caught a glimpse of three shadowed figures standing outside of the Chunin Examination Arena and directly in the path we were blazing with our competitive race. I faltered ever so slightly, too faint a motion to catch Kankuro's attention, who, upon recognizing the three Leaf ninjas, quickened the pace in an effort to meet up with the trio for a visit I didn't yet know how to have.


	6. It Couldn't Get Worse

"Choji! Shikamaru! Ino!" Kankuro called out. I let him take the lead, as three pairs of eyes turned in our direction. The sharpest of them all settled on me only for a second, and I couldn't catch a glimpse of anything more than mere recognition.

"Kankuro! Temari!" A high-pitched squeal met my ears, making me grimace. I didn't find much friendship among my peers as it was, but Ino was a particularly unappealing one that could do nothing but irk me with her immature mind and boisterous personality. However, I knew that it wasn't her fault – people are born with different talents, and hers was … something. I also had to account for the three years in our age difference, as well as the fact that I'd no opporunity to see what improvements she'd made over the past few years. It probably would be worth it to give her another chance.

"It's _so_ good to see you guys," she rushed over to give us hugs, displaying affection much too intimate for our years of friendship, but I hugged her back for a second, and then watched with slightly repulsed eyes as she clung onto my brother Kankuro's muscular build a second too long.

She began to speak rapidly about this and that, her hands gesticulating wildly, and the other two approached us with smiles. I focused on Choji and did not give much mind to the man beside him. I didn't know why. I just couldn't look at him. I simply wasn't prepared. And besides, there was no "real" reason why I needed to show him individual attention, although my heart was desperately trying to nudge my body toward clasping him in my arms. But he hadn't even acknowledged me. Well, not really. Not in the way I wanted … or feared? But why would he particularly acknowledge me? We couldn't act too close or people would know we did it. Or maybe not. Maybe avoiding each others' eyes was worse. These and other thoughts zipped through my head at lightning-fast speed, sending my brain spinning.

 _Stop it!_ I commanded myself sharply. My mind felt strapped onto a wild and dizzying merry-go-round, and I just wanted to get off. _Just act normal._

"Hey, Kankuro," Shikamaru interjected as soon as Ino stopped to take a breath. His voice met my ears like hot liquid, making them burn and sending a warmth trickling through my body on impact.

"It's good to see you, Shikamaru. You leading these things this time, huh? That's a pretty big deal!"

Shikamaru rubbed the back of his head almost sheepishly, but grinned lazily in perfect balance, "Yeah, yeah. You know. It's whatever. It's actually kind of been a big pain. But I get to watch my teammates compete, so that's pretty neat."

I used the few seconds he was speaking to feast my eyes, consuming every last morsel I could and even snatching a bit to parcel away for later. Damn, I forgot how hot he was. I felt my stomach tighten and I looked away, feigning disinterest. It probably made me look like a jerk, but seeing him was doing odd, uncomfortable things to my body.

"You here on business as usual, Temari?" Ino asked sweetly as she turned to me.

"Hn," I nodded. "I had a meeting with the Hokage. And I'm staying for the exams now that my brothers are here."

"Oh, that's wonderful. I really believe this will be the time I pass," her crystal-blue eyes were bright and hopeful.

"I'm sure it will be, Ino," Kankuro smiled down at her. "You, too, Choji!"

The four of them talked on and I tried to act as normal as possible and not mind that Shikamaru was acting overly professional toward me, a behavior I couldn't fault him for.

And besides, I actually was enjoying the opportunity to see him interact with Ino and Choji, with whom he was comfortable after teaming up with them for so long. It was obvious they were excited about the exams, and by the increased level of interest he was showing in the conversation, I knew he was excited for them as his comrades. That was just the kind of guy he was. He didn't like getting involved in drama or fights, but he had no problem caring for others.

I smiled at them, making sure to encompass Ino and Choji in my warmth so it wouldn't just be Shikamaru and I alone in a dangerously intimate glance.

A few of the Sand genin, who were strolling down the road, saw our group and came over to say hi.

They all were about 16 and had become proficient ninjas, which made me nothing but anxious to have them pass the exam. It seemed past due by now. We had a team of three younger students and I was much more sympathetic to the significance of the Chunin Exams to them, as it was their first time. If you couldn't pass your first year, then you already were falling behind, in my opinion.

"Temari! Kankuro!" called out one named Azami, the epitome of my antithesis: Stick-thin, bubbly, vivacious, charming, and a little dim-witted. However, I had seen her around our village with more than her share of moony-eyed male teenagers and I was left to speculate with incredulity that somehow guys found that appealing. I had always treated her the way I believe someone in leadership should treat an inferior who had never blatantly disrespected them: with humble acknowledgement and a marginal degree of geniality.

"We just got done practicing! I think we're ready for the exams tomorrow for sure! But, boy, I'm exhausted. You have no idea how hard we've been working today. I think we'd make even you proud, Temari," she rattled off, almost surpassing Ino's speed of small talk.

"Well, it's almost night. You should be about done for the day," I replied, subconsciously trying to contrast her lengthy speech with briefness.

Kankuro began conversing with the three of them, going through a list of techniques he had instructed them to practice and problems to work out for the written portion of the exam. He was a lot better at leading the younger ninjas than I was. Meanwhile, Shikamaru was talking with Choji and Ino, who were trying to conceal their side-eyed glances and effort to size up their competition.

Being part of neither conversation and watched by no one, I released the restraint I had on myself just a notch. My eyes traveled over Shikamaru's relaxed form, leaning against the side of the arena, his hands in his pockets and his voice slow and steady. I was a little perturbed by the fact that he seemed completely unaffected by my presence, although, honestly, what did I expect? That he would fall all over himself at my sight? No. That wasn't him at all, and I knew I wouldn't want someone like that anyway. But the complete absence of affection in his manner toward me had my mind tied up in a knot as it tried to pull at this and that idea and come up with a justification.

 _You're not acting any differently toward him either, you know_ , a part of me was quick to point out in an unsympathetic tone.

 _That's different_ , was the brittle, ill-formed answer from my other half. I flippantly tried to brush the matter aside, ridiculously claiming it was better this way. We hadn't spoken about what would happen after our night of lovemaking. And I had decided I didn't want anything to change. ... So why were my spirits so dampened by his demeanor? I was irritated with myself and I didn't know what to do about it. About him. About any of it.

"Hey," Azami's quick, confiding voice brought me back outside of myself. "He's kind of cute, isn't he?"

It took several seconds for me to register who exactly she was talking about. At first I assumed it was Kankuro. Much to my disgust and disbelief, people were often divulging to me in hushed confidential tones their overly gushing opinions of my little brother, from his physique to his talent, leaving me to wonder, _Why_   _the hell do you think I want to know how sexy you think my brother's six-pack is or how gorgeous he is when he takes off his puppeteer makeup_?

But it wasn't him. Azami had known Kankuro for a long time, and it wouldn't make sense for her to just now be confiding her positive opinion of his physicality. It slowly dawned on me that her eyes had glanced furtively at the lazy dark-haired Leaf ninja whose face was alight in a rare full smile, induced by something his best friend, Choji, had said.

"Shikamaru?" I asked incredulously, keeping my voice low but no-nonsense. I couldn't explain it but I suddenly felt an eruption of displeasure deep within me, spreading irrational anger through my body, along with a gripping, razor-sharp emotion I had never experienced ... jealousy.

"Yeah. He's really, really sexy."

 _You fucking watch your mouth!_  Something screamed inside of me. I pretended to casually consider her words on the surface while underneath my insides were raging. I shrugged, "Eh. I suppose." I couldn't think of anything else to do or say. My tongue was tied and my body was frozen, which seemed odd, because it felt like I was filled with boiling water: raging, bubbling and completely out of my control.

"You know him don't you? You come here all the time. You must know him. I can't believe you never talked about how cute the boys are in the Leaf village!"

I just wanted her to shut up, but I pressed my lips together tight and letter her continue to babble.

"You could talk to him for me, couldn't you?"

I almost scoffed. She couldn't be serious. My anger boiled faster and harder. I was scared the pressure would compound and soon cause my body to explode. My hand almost reached instinctively for my fan, a movement that was the habitual response in moments where I was provoked to this degree.

"Ummm ... well .. I don't know. That seems a little odd," I answered slowly, using every last ounce of energy to make my voice sound even. There was plenty more I wanted to say to her but I held it in, folding the harsh hidden words into the secret confines of my mind. I would binge on them later when I was free to shout and swear as much as I wanted. "I don't know him that well, so it could be kind of uncomfortable."

"Oh come on! Please! Please, Temari!" Her voice was high-pitched and whiny, her eyes misted with ludicrous tears. She always had a way of carrying out actions and behaviors that were entirely disproportionate to the situation she was in.

"What's this?" Kankuro joined our group, as the other two genin, both boys ... nice, predictable, dull boys ... had gone off to get some rest.

"I want Temari to talk to her Leaf friend about me, but she won't do it. She says she's not comfortable with that," Azami pouted.

"Her Leaf friend?" Kankuro glanced behind him to see who she could mean. "You mean Shikamaru? Yeah, he and Temari have been good friends for a long time. Like more than five years."

 _Damn you, Kankuro_ , I seethed, longing to fix him with a withering glare. But I knew it would seem suspicious. And Azami was already looking at me with hurt eyes, having picked up on in the discrepancy in Kankuro's evaluation of the length of my friendship with Shikamaru.

"He virtually saved your life a while back, right?" Kankuro asked.

I shrugged. "Minor detail. And it was only after I saved his."

"Please, please, Temari!" Her voice was annoying when it begged and I was anxious to have it aborted. "Please! I promise I'll work even harder for the exams! Please?"

"I mean, I don't know," I sighed, sounding entirely exasperated. "I guess I can see what I can do."

"Oh thank you! Thank you! Thank you," she gushed. "I should go introduce myself!"

She ran off to the trio of Leaf nin standing several yards away in the early evening shade cast by the arena. Kankuro laughed and I swallowed the bitter taste in my mouth.

"She really is out of control," he chuckled. "Oh well. Wouldn't hurt, right? Shikamaru's a good enough guy. We can give him one of our own."

"Shikamaru is a genius. I doubt very much he could put up even for a second with someone as ridiculously immature and altogether vapid as Azami," my voice was flat and sounded disinterested, but I knew the words themselves went too far in revealing how personally I was taking this turn of events. They were just a degree too harsh.

Kankuro looked at me curiously, but pushed on, "Yeah, maybe. She's always good for a romp though, you know."

I knew he was trying to lighten a mood that was coming off as oddly tense, but I did not know, nor did I want to know, or think of or imagine Azami 'romping' with the love of my life, so I forced myself to simply shrug.

My eyes wandered over to where the 16-year-old was talking with the Leaf teammates, her body continuously moving as she spoke, her hands marking every end of a sentence with a gesture. She was standing a little too close to Shikamaru and laughing a little too loudly at whatever he was saying, which I knew was a ruse because his dry humor never was laugh-out-loud funny.

I hoped I was maintaining a cool demeanor, and wished desperately I could simply step outside my body so as not experience this grating irritation so acutely. Kankuro strolled over to where they were, and I knew it would only make sense for me to follow, even though my mind was screaming in revolt. I didn't understand what had happened in the past two days that was making it increasingly hard for me to keep those two entities aligned. I was a master at holistic control ... at least I used to be. Before I had let my guard down and allowed myself to acknowledge feelings for Shikamaru, which were now screwing with me in more ways than I had anticipated.

I told my legs to move in the same direction as Kankuro, and I noticed they were obeying.

"Ino, Choji and Shikamaru are going to go get some dinner with!" Azami said excitedly as we approached.

"Oh awesome!" Kankuro smiled. "You all can show us where the good places to eat in town are."

Choji announced that he would be the man for that job and decisively took the lead of our little group. Ino, being her extremely friendly self, had started talking exclusively to Azami. Why didn't it surprise me that the two of them hit it off? While Ino darted from subject to subject, somehow jumping from the exams to makeup in a matter of seconds, Azami continued to glance at Shikamaru and give him flirtatious smiles. He was walking alongside Kankuro and was at the wrong angle for me to see if he was responding with any particular facial expressions.

Kankuro, who serves as Gaara's bodyguard and head of security, was busy explaining to Shikamaru some of the tactics he had learned during his time in that position. It struck me as interesting how well the two seemed to be getting along. I brought up the rear, taking my time and enjoying the solitude. That is, until Kankuro turned to yell at me, "Come on, plumpy. You don't have to be by yourself all the time."

I bristled a little at his affectionate nickname for me, knowing it was only due to the obvious smirk that took over Shikamaru's face the second he heard it. His eyes were blatantly laughing as he at last turned them in my direction.

 _Damn it. He's going to start calling me that, too,_  I brooded in my head, outraged that mockery was the first emotion Shikamaru had decided to dish out to me with.

"Plumpy, huh?" He turned to Kankuro. "Good nickname."

Kankuro laughed. "She's always been the chubby one in the family. You should have seen her when she was little."

I had never wanted to inflict physical pain on my little brother as much as I did in that moment.

"But then she started training really hard, and shot up a couple more feet, and now she's just a little thick." Kankuro winked at me, apparently not sensing how close I was to slapping him square in his face. I swallowed my humiliation, gathered what few scraps of pride I had left and forced a smile, so I could appear as if I was all fine and dandy with the nature of this conversation.

"Well, Kankuro," I said with ice in my voice, turning to grin viciously at my brother, "I guess having a little extra thickness is preferable to being so unimpressive anatomically that you need three full puppets to compensate for what you lack."

"Wow, Temari," Kankuro feigned being appalled. "Too far. Why don't you go cool off with some ice cream?"

Shikamaru chuckled and I knew I was not going to get a leg up in this conversation now that they apparently were teaming up against me.

I was fuming and also just disoriented, completely unsure how to handle this situation, but I managed to keep my countenance in check and merely roll my eyes. "Whatever. You're both jerks and too immature for me to handle right now."

"Ah, come on, Temari," Kankuro pulled me to his side in a haphazard hug. "There's no need to be upset."

I shook my head in exasperation and pulled away, but stayed in step with them as we traveled a few more yards to a ramen shop.

Choji rushed inside, followed by the other two girls, still speeding through a variety of topics, and then Kankuro pushed through the door. As he walked through, Shikamaru turned to hold it open for me - a hallmark of his true nature and the gentlemanly habits he had inherited from his father. I smiled politely at him as I walked through the door and for a mere instant I could swear I saw a look within his eyes that said more than he was with his voice. A look of longing and adoration. But I couldn't be sure. And it was gone before I could confirm its existence. My hand accidentally brushed his as I walked past and mumbled, "Thanks, Shikamaru."

It was the slightest of grazes, but it sent a shot of electricity through my body. Goosebumps spread like a rash along the exposed skin of my forearms. It's odd how sometimes small, vague touches can be exponentially more arousing than intentional, assertive groping.

"Shikamaru! I saved you a seat by us," Azami cried out, waving toward the seat in between her and Choji. Shikamaru's brows drew together for a split second, but he went to taken the proffered seat. Trying to push down my rising temper, I casually drifted toward the seat between Kankuro and Ino, which was situated across the table from Shikamaru.

 _This can't possibly get any worse_ , I thought, as my eye caught Azami's arm bump Shikamaru's, a 'mistake' for which she apologized so profusely and giddily that no one could believe she was actually sorry.

We all ordered ramen, and the tantalizing scents wafting throughout the small shop were making me hungry. I hoped eating might calm me down and I dedicated myself to wolfing down the food when it came if for no other reason but to keep myself mildly preoccupied.

The rest of our dinner was rather uneventful, but altogether unpleasant. We sat around, sharing stories and talking about recent missions and the exams, nothing too heavy or personal. That part wasn't irritating. It was actually enjoyable. What was less enjoyable was Azami openly flirting with the shadow possessor. He responded with thoroughly polite behavior. A little too polite? For some reason, I couldn't seem to remember what his normal level of geniality was when talking to the average person, by which I could measure his current interactions with the Sand genin. There was a hint of boredom in his dark-brown eyes, but wasn't there always?

In other ways, Shikamaru was the essence of propriety, addressing me casually when it was appropriate but not expressing even the slightest change of interest when he switched from speaking with Kankuro or Choji to me. I knew this was the way it should be. We obviously had to uphold an impeccable standard of professionalism, which meant I wasn't allowed to be upset about this. Especially since my interactions mirrored his exactly, making me wonder whom exactly was mimicking whom. This was perfectly natural behavior for our positions and ranks. He was even treating me with mild respect, which seemed a stark contrast from the way he talked with me when we were alone.

 _I guess I just should be happy about that_. I sighed quietly and rebuked myself internally for how frustrated I was letting this make me. I focused on calming myself down and turned my attention to finishing the bowl of delicious pork-flavored noodles in front of me.

At last, Ino announced she should be going, as it was getting late. I glanced out the window, taking pleasure in the fact that evening was beginning to give way to night. I liked night best.

Choji wasted no time in jumping up and telling her he'd walk her home, just to make sure she stayed safe. She rolled her eyes and laughed, but agreed, which seemed to make Choji surprisingly happy.

 _Maybe not so surprising_ , I corrected myself, as I caught sight of the eyes with which he watched her turning to grab her things. They were full of outright adoration and tenderness. _How did I not realize that before?_  It was actually rather endearing, although the look was safely stowed away by the time she was finished and had turned back to him.

"I think I'll go with them. I have a few things I need to speak with them about before tomorrow," Shikamaru said lazily, slowly pulling himself up from his leaned back position in his chair.

"Oh, are you sure?" Azami pouted. I couldn't believe how pushy and simpering she was being. It was almost entertaining ... almost.

Shikamaru more or less ignored her, saying to all of us with a yawn, "I'll see you all tomorrow for these troublesome exams. 'Night."

His hands went into his pocket and he took his time following his teammates out of the restaurant.

"Well, I think that went well!" Azami announced eagerly with a giggle. She turned to me, "You'll talk to him right? Just find out if he likes me. I think he does. I was definitely picking up on something. He's just _so_ cute."

I didn't reply, figuring she was less interested in hearing my voice than her own anyway. Her words were grinding into me, and I was beginning to feel utterly suffocated. I tried to zone her out as she went on and on about the Leaf chunin whom she didn't even know. At last I could take it no more.

"Well," I interjected a little too severely. "It's getting late. You really should be getting back to get rested up for tomorrow."

"Oh fine," she huffed. "I guess you're right. I'm not too worried, though."

I tried to expedite the process of getting her the hell out of my sight. "Kankuro? Can you make sure she gets back alright? I know it's pretty late. I'm going to stay for just a few more minutes and have some tea."

Azami laughed. "You're such a cranky old woman, Temari."

She was getting dangerously close to the worst things she could say, but I bit my tongue, taking solace that she would be gone in a few seconds and I could enjoy peace and quiet at last. Thankfully, Kankuro knew how to be more than just a pain, and he could read my moods fairly well. I'm pretty sure what he picked up from my tense shoulders and dangerously inexpressive eyes was, "Leave me the fuck alone."

He studied me for a second longer, gently squeezed my knee under the table, and then stood up, stretched, and said, "Yeah, for sure. Come on, Azami. See you later tonight, Temari."

I kept my body as still as a rock until her prattling voice, talking Kankuro's ear off, slowly diminished and then disappeared.

I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, my eyes shut. I ordered tea and took my time enjoying the warm, aromatic beverage, savoring the feeling it made as it trickled down my throat, pooled inside me and sent a calming sensation throughout my body. It was nice to be alone. With no one here irritating me, I didn't have to exert effort to remain placid and unprovoked. I just wasn't anymore. Well, not really. There were those few ashy remnants of my past jealousy and anger that remained in my mind, making me feel a little bitter. I let myself enjoy the solitude for ten more minutes and then regretfully stood to go home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re-reading this a few years later, I realize my Temari is a little harsh at times. I think I wanted to make her seem three-dimensional and realistic (faults, insecurities, and all) and I based her off many aspects of myself at the time, since we were roughly the same age. I think I've softened a bit since then, but I don't want to change the story or her personality because I think it's a more honest representation of what I was dealing with and experiencing at the time.


	7. The most cruel kunoichi

Outside a silver moon shed multiple layers of its light fancifully on the sleeping village. How peacefully the town could slumber with the glowing crescent face acting as a friendly guardian. There was a slight mist from a recent shower and a few of the trees still clutched handfuls of captured drops in their boughs, making the leaves twinkle mischievously when they made contact with the milky moonlight. The puddles reflected an almost perfect version of the sky and bits and pieces of the surrounding vegetation and buildings, making the world seem twice as full and satisfied.

I took my time walking the nearly abandoned streets. This was the delicious peace and quiet I craved.

"Hey, Temari."

The indifferent voice sent concurrent sensations through my body, the first being slight alarm as it was a noise I hadn't anticipated; the other was the feeling of utter alleviation, the sort of relief one feels when running through the desert for miles upon miles in sweltering heat and suddenly, unexpectedly happens upon a pool of crisp water.

I turned to look in the direction of the voice to find one very infuriating, bewitching Leaf chunin, leaning against a wall at the entrance of a shadowed alleyway. His features were softened and a little obscured by the blackness surrounding us. My body moved in his direction, and I took note of my heart's rapid beating against my ribs. I hoped he couldn't see it pounding beneath my thin dress. I crossed my arms below my breasts, a defense against the dipping temperatures as well as a new surge of exhilarating emotions.

"Hey, Nara," I tried to greet him with my normal level of confidence and certainty, but for some reason, my voice came out choked, soft and weak. I didn't like it.  
I went to stand beside him in the tight space between the buildings, still moist from the rain.

The sweet, sharp smell of smoke met my nostrils. It had become a scent I associated solely with the Leaf shadow possessor, which meant I always got an almost melancholy, nostalgic twinge whenever it made its way to my nose.

Shikamaru carefully studied my face and body language as I leaned against the opposite wall. I hated it when he did that - he was too observant for his own good and I wasn't used to dealing with people who were more analytical than I was. He slowly exhaled smoke and smirked at me, saying in his typically dull voice, "It certainly took you long enough to leave."

My heart skipped a beat and I hesitated only a moment before plowing brazenly ahead, "Were you waiting for me to leave?"

He just smiled at me in return and continued to dissect me with those deep, brown eyes. His delayed response made my confidence slip a notch, infecting me with slow-spreading uncertainty.

He looked at his cigarette and exhaled and then turned his lazy eyes toward me, not answering my question, but instead responding casually, "You've been distant and standoffish the past couple of days."

My head jerked up as I was hit with an unexpected flash of anger, which probably was derived more from the roller coaster ride my emotions had been on in the past few days than it was from his factual observation. "Are you serious?  _I_  have been distant? I've been acting exactly the same as you! What the hell?"

Shikamaru had the decency to be taken aback by my sudden outburst, but it was quickly replaced by a bemused smile.

"Alright, alright. Calm down. I didn't mean to awaken the beast," he raised an eyebrow and thoughtfully rubbed the back of his neck as he continued to study me. "Damn. You definitely are one troublesome woman."

I huffed at his rather unjust summation of the situation. After all, Shikamaru often defaulted to labeling something troublesome whenever he just didn't want to deal with it.

 _Well, fine_ , I lashed back mentally. _You don't have to deal with me_.

I dragged my eyes away from the Konoha shinobi and looked out into the nebulous black on my right. Only a few yellow lights twinkled at the end of the alleyway, marking its finiteness, which was comforting in an unexplainable way. I wondered if I should say something about Azami. Now was as good of time as any, I supposed. However, he spoke first.

"Your student is pretty different than you, eh? I couldn't believe she was from the same village as the most cruel of all the kunoichi."

I figured that was another name people called me, but I decided to forgo dwelling on the phrase for the time being.

"She's not my student," I answered vacantly. "But you're right. She is very different from me ... almost a complete opposite really. She's taken quite a liking to you, you know?"

Shikamaru looked at me quizzically, trying to decide if I was serious or playing some unexpected game for which he couldn't discover the rhyme or reason.

"What?" He finally asked blankly. I wasn't sure exactly what his confusion was aimed at, but I decided to press the issue about which I was most anxious to discover his opinion.

"Azami, the Sand genin you met," I let out an exasperated sigh at his obliviousness. Was he only observant when he wanted to be? "She won't stop talking about you. She thinks you're ... 'cute.'"

I couldn't say the other word. It was too intimate and precious, and it also was reserved. Shikamaru was not allowed to be 'sexy' to anyone except me, and only when I wasn't upset with him for being lazy and trying to avoid anything that resembled work. "Anyway, she wanted me to talk to you about it. Too afraid to speak to you herself, I guess."

Shikamaru let his almost-finished cigarette fall to the floor and slowly stamped the glowing ash into the mud before bringing his intelligent eyes up to meet mine, a smile playing with the edges of his mouth. "A little jealous, are we, Temari?

My face twisted with defensiveness as I scoffed, "Of course not, you prick. Thinking a little too high of ourselves, are we, Shikamaru?"

He didn't let my mocking tone, almost a perfect replica of his, get him riled up, but I could tell he didn't believe me at all. "Alright, Temari, whatever you say."

"It's just like you to be grossly overconfident," I shot back harshly, not able to bear the thought of Shikamaru knowing I was jealous of someone else liking him, even though I knew he already did. But at least he wouldn't get in the last word on the matter. "It's just unfortunate that it doesn't ever help you to get done what you need to."

"Are we still talking about you?"

"What are you talking about? When were we ever talking about me? I was talking about Azami and how she likes you!"

"Well, obviously," he said slowly, balancing out my flashes of abrasive behavior with an even timbre, "I don't give a damn about that as much as I do about figuring you out."

"Oh, really? And what have you concluded so far, genius?" I lifted my chin with defiant arrogance, my eyes daring him to give me an honest diagnosis.

Why was I acting so defensive? I could sense with pristine clarity that I had surrounded myself with some sort of shell that was indeed making me act standoffish and almost mean. I could recognize I was behaving that way, I could see it all from outside of myself, but, for some reason, I just couldn't overcome it. There was something about the situation that was scaring me, and I wasn't used to being scared, especially by a lethargic Leaf chunin that I outranked. I did not have another defense mechanism, as I always relied on using cruelty in direct proportion to my fear whenever I was faced with confrontation.

As I perused the man standing before me - his shoulders drooped under relaxed muscles, his hands resting beneath his chest, the fingertips touching, as they often were when he was in thought, his face upturned toward the night sky as he played over my words in his mind and formulated an answer - a slight crack appeared in my shell, almost unnoticeable, but clean enough to let a little of the affection holed up deep within me squeeze itself out and journey purposefully toward my mind.

There was something about the intense look he got when he was thinking that just made me swoon. It was fierce, manifesting itself in his furrowed brow and intelligent eyes that went so far past the present situation a precious few could follow, and it was absolutely adorable. I hastily covered the crack and continued to stare at him with unwavering aggression.

"This is not a hard situation to analyze," he drawled at last, looking me directly in the eyes. "The factors are obvious and unoriginal, which is why I can quickly find the problem. You are a perfect shinobi in almost all ways, except I think you have one very prominent flaw, and that is your questionable loyalty to others, which could be attributed to your unflinchingly rigid utilitarian calculations. You will do what you think rationally makes the most sense to protect and bring the greatest good to yourself - and probably your brothers, I would safely add now. This means you will sell out to whichever entity you believe will keep you safe and profit your objective goals."

"That's not true anymore! I am absolutely loyal! I wouldn't do that, " I interjected hastily, rage filling my voice. I didn't like his psychoanalysis, although I had asked for it. It made me feel like I was standing in the center of a circus ring, squinting up into a glaring spotlight that harshly shot down a brick of light on top of me, and I could do nothing as the infuriating Leaf ninja stripped away piece by piece of my person until I was standing there, naked to the core, exposed. It didn't matter that his were the only eyes watching - they were the ones that mattered most.

He stared at me severely for an instant, doubtful but giving my words consideration, and then continued, "The consequentialism itself is not such a bad trait - a good leader must be capable of making the hard decisions and willing to sacrifice, a move I myself do not like to make, but one I know is important. But the problem comes when you are dealing only with yourself in this sort of situation. You will not be loyal to your actual self or fight for the things that you want or desire, because you believe the act of desiring is a character flaw that makes you susceptible to other people's changing whims and passions. You can't stand being vulnerable. I know you, Temari.

"So you have three strategies you might employ to try to prevent the vulnerability. The most obvious is hiding. You won't hide, that's for sure. You wouldn't allow yourself to fall victim to hiding, as it would cause you to be trapped and unproductive. You don't like shrinking or being made to feel small, and that is what hiding does. Most likely you would fight, which I believe is an action you've already tried and probably failed with, and that's because you are fighting against the hardest opponent - yourself. Deep down, I know that you do in fact want to be with me. You said you love me. You can't take back those words now. There is a whole part of you, a majority I believe, that is already given over to your feelings for me, and so you have fought and lost a battle with that part.

"That leaves one more strategy: Running. Again, sometimes running is the best option when you have analyzed you are fighting a battle you can't win, as you currently are. I think you have defaulted to this strategy. I think you're running away, putting as many obstacles behind you to size me up and test my fortitude. These obstacles range from your distance and the might with which you push me away to making me aware of the affection of other girls, and I'm sure you will use others. But I know there's only so far you can or will run, and again, that is because the facts are too obscured to you. You don't know what you're running from or to because of the duality within yourself and your inability to be completely loyal to either side as you aren't sure which is the most advantageous for you and in what regards. The reason you can't win is because you're confused. You're dealing with too many variables, and you are unsure of what is right. Which gives me the advantage. That is why I'm sure I will win."

He smirked at me, not so much proud as purely confident, as if he had just given the answer to "What's two plus two?"

 _Damn_. I bit my lip and turned away from his piercing gaze. _I guess this is a little how his enemies feel._

Shikamaru folded his arms behind his head, relaxing as he gave me time to think of my next move.

"Alright," I said at last, my voice sounding loud in the air that had grown stale with silence. It was the only admission I would give him. I couldn't bear the humiliation of offering him the forbidden words of "you're right."

I shivered and stared at the dirt ground, focusing on the dips and crevices of the mud as my mind prepared to go on the offensive. Finally, I brought my eyes up to look at his face and I knew they were bright with anger, while my voice came out dressed in condescension and mockery, "So, you're saying that you know what is right. And that's how you will win?"

"I'm sure of my objective," he stated matter-of-factly. "And I know how to get what I want."

"How is that possible?" I lashed out, not able to bear the uncertainty anymore and in desperate need for some sort of extreme resolution. "You're not even slightly capable of working to get what you want. You don't like exerting that kind of effort. And, according to you, I'm not going to make it easy for you. Did you ever stop to consider for even a moment that's because I don't think we have the same idea of what it means to win?

"You assume that it's us being together, but maybe that's losing. Being stuck with each other day in and day out. I admitted I loved you, sure … one night, after we had been drinking. It was just a mistake. Either way, you've admitted I'll resist, and you're damn right I will." My voice was growing harsher and harsher with each word as I prepared for my final assault. "Chances are, you'll give up, because it's _bothersome_ and too much for you to handle and you're too much of a coward to persist for a single damn thing. Isn't that what you normally do? Give up without a fight?"

His eyes softened with what I could only describe as pain - I had hurt him with my words, which hadn't been my goal ... at least, I didn't think it was. I had just meant to fight back! Deep inside, I was frantic, but years of training in outward control were reigning supreme. It was just as if I was behaving mechanically, going step by step through a proof that I had previously solved and now reserved in my arsenal because if its consistent, infallible result.

I was pushing him to his limit, I realized with panic. He could take it when I was critical of him or made fun of him in a joking way – our friendship was defined by such interaction. But I knew this disrespectful and patronizing talk would push him away. I guess that was what I was hoping to accomplish. It seemed safer. He knew me too well, physically, psychologically and emotionally, and that scared the shit out of me.

The pain was covered in an instant with a veil of frustration. He let the tension build up with several seconds of silence.

"I don't think I'm the coward in this situation, Temari." His eyes seemed to be drilling holes in mine, his mouth was hard and straight with vexation. "What happened to the bold, fearless kunoichi? The one who believes herself to be the most powerful? I know you pride yourself on your emotional stability and it's your fear of getting hurt and constant submission to duty that have hardened you up to act like a total …. " He stopped short. My heart sank at the realization that he was being more careful about my feelings than I had been of his. He wasn't allowed to be sweeter than I was – it wasn't fair. He needed to be a jerk like I had been. He needed to call me a bitch so I could justify my own harsh actions.

"You can be a pain in the ass all you want. But at the end of the day, you have to let yourself care about something," he continued. "It's nice to be feared and all, but in the end, all you'll really accomplish by being entirely cold and hard all the time is making people hate you."

It was one of the few times he had actually shown obvious anger and subsequent meanness toward me – and it hurt like hell. But I knew I deserved it. I couldn't believe I called him a coward. He wasn't. There wasn't even a little bit of me that thought that was true. It had just seemed like a fail-proof missile to take him down before he could take me down, and I had barreled ahead and used it without thinking, which wasn't like me. Threads of excruciating regret wove their way through every fiber of my being, but my stubbornness quickly reacted by building a wall and keeping the shame from registering … at least for the time being.

He rubbed the back of his neck, his face turned toward the ground so I couldn't read it for clues to predict what would happen next. I just let the moments pass by as I wallowed in the stress that had consumed my body. I was hurt by his words and frustrated by my own actions. I was tired of the fighting within myself, but I was incapable of being the first to fold.

"Damn it, Temari." His voice was low and soft when he spoke after what had seemed like forever. "Maybe this is a game I just can't play. Anyway, I got to get home and sleep before tomorrow. I'll see you around."

His face was still downturned as he slipped his hands into his pockets and moved away from me slowly, his body being devoured by the night bit by bit until it had swallowed him whole.

"Just like I thought," I muttered to myself, my voice sounding strangled from repressed tears and forced severity. "Quitter."

I wanted so badly to go after him. I wanted to chase him down, tackle him and apologize and then kiss him and tell him that this was entirely my fault … that I  _was_  running, because I was afraid of how he made me feel; love like this was just too eerily indescribable and dauntingly magnanimous. It was a foe I hadn't studied and had no idea how to capture and tame.

But I didn't move. My feet stood still and I could hear my rationality, now appearing more like a feeble, intrusive master who slinks around and manipulates you than a strong, steadfast companion, congratulate me on my control. Such a congratulation was hollow and light, and I quickly trashed it.

Shikamaru had analyzed me so well: There was a sort of duality entrapped within my body, both sides fighting for control and sending me on a wild goose chase to discover the nature of what was objectively right and good. And all the while, I was running away from the one person who I loved more than anything in the world for a reason that even now, alone in the darkness, I didn't know how to conjure up.

Suddenly, it was too much to bear. I sank to the floor, not caring that the thick, wet mud would soil my dress. My head fell like a boulder onto my limp arms that had crossed over my knees, tucking them tight against my chest. Wave after wave of anguish, regret, embarrassment and desire crashed over my body in an overwhelming sequence that didn't allow me time to catch my breath.

The little black ball of my body, immobile except for when intermittent sobs made my shoulders shake, rested against a cold, hard concrete wall in a nasty alleyway. The scene was a perfectly fitting answer to what I had been asking for.

 _This is ridiculous. What a horribly mundane and pointless thing to cry about_ , I chided myself. _There are so many other important things going on. You've fought countless enemies, seen numerous shinobis give up their lives honorably for the village and have bore unbelievable physical damage. Of all the things you could cry about, why this?_

I had no answer, but as I sat in the darkness amidst an ocean of uncontrollable currents of emotion, I knew there was no one around to care one way or the other, not even myself. For my true self, the part that wasn't hardened and calculated, was curled up down somewhere deep within the shell, which was gloating at having won this round while forcing the rest of me to watch the last glow of tenderness fade away and humbly accept that fate.


	8. A growing discomfort

It's a feeling that can only be described as pressure. Not such an ambiguous emotion in and of itself, certainly, but when its source of supply and its target are unknown, you are left only experiencing the ripples of movement as it is channeled through your body. Such is the nature of those nameless, faceless fears and intangible worries, the moments when you feel pressure mounting. You know something is not right. In the back of your mind an entity is causing you to feel unnatural and bothered, but then it always hides, right past the reach of your ability to give it an identity.

It's suffocating. You stop, try to focus, and capture the wily imp as it skirts about your mind, your heart, your soul, your limbs, leaving a trail of disturbance but no concrete evidence for its nature, or from where it came and to where it's going. I hate these moments.

I am a fan of objectivity. I befriend facts of the clean-and-clear-cut variety. I don't like these damn emotional gremlins that poke about without ever revealing themselves and giving you the chance to fight effectively. You don't know what they are, so it's like trying to capture a wisp of dust in a net. Without mass and an essence, those emotions will always find a way to evade you and keep their free-spirited natures disguised.

I felt like I was being pinched on every surface point, both inside and outside my body. But I didn't know why. It would escape me before I could entrap it. Something wasn't right and that something appeared periodically over the expanse of the next few days, attacking my body with a discomfort I couldn't fight.

I just wished there was a way to figure it out, but whenever I admitted to my fallibility and its accompanying frustration, the only response I received was a small voice in my head, which would offer forth a redundant suggestion of the one person who might be able to help me, whose stability and even timbre surpassed even mine; who had analyzed me well before and could do it again. But I quickly stifled that voice, partly to keep blazing ahead on a trail of independence that didn't require me to concede I had shortcomings, and partly because I had called that "person" a coward and couldn't yet find it in myself to seek him out.

So, instead of doing the forbidden and instead of chasing around the imp in dizzying circles, I decided to do what I always do: Ignore the feeling of being weighted down for reasons I couldn't fathom, and instead simply throw myself into other, calculable, attainable tasks...

 

* * *

 

"Are you serious?" Kankuro's face was the picture of incredulity. "You want to take the team out to train?"

"Yes!" I said for what seemed to be the fiftieth time. "I'll take them out. It gives you more time to focus on the older students. And I don't have any responsibilities as an ambassador today. So I'm bored."

Kankuro rubbed the back of his neck and looked at me closely. As irritating as his confusion was, it wasn't without cause. I didn't often volunteer to step up and help with individual training when it wasn't required of me, something the genin found more of a relief than anything. My temperamental nature just didn't suit the position of a nurturing leader, although I would assume it if need be.

Once upon a time, Kankuro had not been too fond of children. And then he learned they were a captive audience, in front of whom you could show off as much as you wanted and they always would be ready to applaud. That changed his mind, and he had since grown into a fairly good teacher, quick to impress his students.

I kept my face straight under his quizzical glances.

"Well, yeah," he said at last. "Of course, that would be a big help, if you are sure. I can let you have the older group if you want."

"No." My response was immediate and a bit too abrupt, so I backtracked and tried again with a more typical reply. "The younger ones are the ones who will struggle more in the next two sections of the exam, so they obviously need the more competent leader, which clearly is me, little brother."

I smiled at him as he bristled instinctively at my response.

"Fine, whatever, Temari," he conceded at last with a rueful smile. "They're all yours. Geez, I don't know what's gotten into you lately."

I didn't have an answer readily available for his comment, so I simply turned on my heel to face the six students behind us who were waiting, as usual, for the Sand siblings to reach an agreement.

"Fumiki! Yasuo! Namiyo!" They flinched at the mere sound of their names being pronounced by my voice. Damn. Maybe Shikamaru was right. I shook my head ever so slightly to shake it free from images of that maddening boy. We hadn't spoken at all in the past two days, ever since our awful discussion in the alleyway. But thoughts of him had been gripping my mind, ballooning and threatening an all out invasion. I used the sound of my own voice to pull me back to the present moment. "You three will come with me. Azami, Chion, Seito. Kankuro will be working with you. Tomorrow is the second section of the exam and it is focused on survival. We must have you all prepared."

I started in the direction of the door, not looking back to see if the three mice were following their fearless - or perhaps just fearsome - leader, but I assumed they were.

"Hey, Temari! Wait up a second!"

_God, no, please. No. Don't talk to me_. My heart sank, but I forced myself to turn and catch a glimpse of Azami running after me.

She grabbed my arm and pulled me a few feet away, putting her head close to mine so she could talk in what she thought was a quiet voice. In all reality, I doubted she possessed one of those.

"Hey." Her voice was giddy and confidential. "Did you talk to Shikamaru yet?"

"Hn." I nodded slowly. "I did actually."

She squealed. "What did he say?"

I smiled inwardly with arrogant pleasure as I thought back to what the handsome shadow possessor had said on that subject. Memories of the subsequent events that had transpired, however, were quick to make an appearance and remind me I no longer had much of a reason to be satisfied.

"Well," I thought through my words carefully, knowing they had the power to come back to haunt me once they had been uttered. "He didn't say much. I did tell you it was going to be a little awkward, and it was."

"But he wasn't opposed to the idea?" She pressed on, her eyes wide and anxious. She was not the most driven ninja, but when she set her mind on a guy she liked, she was relentless.

I thought back over the night carefully and it dawned on me that he had, in fact, not said anything that was outright negative when I told him Azami liked him. Something in his manner had made it clear he didn't care, but that was only in conjunction to his feelings for me. I didn't know how I could express one part of the puzzle to Azami without uncovering the other.

"No. He wasn't opposed. He just didn't say much."

She laughed gleefully, "That's all I needed to know! I can use that for sure! But keep dropping hints, if you don't mind. Just make sure he knows how wonderful I am. Thanks, Temari! You're the best!"

The hug that she used to finish off her shrieks made my body stiffen with repulsion, but she already was bounding off toward Kankuro before I could say anything else.

I cringed. I knew both that I shouldn't be jumping to conclusions about whether or not Azami could reel in Shikamaru's good favor and also that I had brought this slightly on myself, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was being pricked by red-hot needles from the inside out.

"Temari sensei?" Namiyo's timid voice sounded far away, and it took me several seconds to sluggishly turn toward her with my eyebrows raised in question. "Are you alright?"

"Hn," I responded gruffly. "Alright. Let's go."

I took the genin into the clearing that I often visited to practice alone when I was Konohagakure. First, we talked strategy. I gave them tips on how to survive for five days in the training area without Kankuro and I being there to guide them, adding there was absolutely no reason it should take them that long to accomplish their task anyway. I found the trio was actually eager and fairly clever. I provided them with several scenarios, asking them what they would do as a team in each case. They were thoughtful and calculated, and I felt a bit of pride growing within me. I really did love my village and its member, and I felt a bit safer knowing there was a next class of ninjas being groomed. _Sure, they are no Kankuro and Gaara, but they will do_ , I thought with a smile. I had to admit there would probably be few ninjas in the world who I would believe to be as powerful as my two brothers. They had stolen their sister's most exalted pride long ago.

Next, I led them through physical training, pitting them against one another and then all three against me. It was hard for me to tone down my fighting to ensure I did not seriously damage them, but I figured it was one more way to practice control, and I was always up for that.

By the time that sun had grown sleepy and began to snuggle further and further behind the mountains blanketing the horizon, we were a messy but exhilarated bunch, and I noted with satisfaction that terror was no longer the primary emotion clouding their eyes when they turned to talk to me. As our dusty feet led us back in the direction of Konoha, I used the time to offer each constructive criticism.

"Yasuo, you are the natural leader. Don't shirk from that position, but own it. Be conscientious of your teammates, their abilities, their needs and their circumstances. Use them, but do not push them past their limits. Namiyo, you have a lot of good techniques, but you're too timid. Don't be afraid to mix them up to throw your opponents off guard and to better respond to each specific scenario. And don't be afraid. You're accurate and clever, so you must trust yourself that you'll be on point each time. Fumiki, on the other hand, you need to slow down a bit. Don't be so anxious and take your time to think. Well-thought out actions are always preferable, and I promise that delaying a few seconds will not diminish your strength in anyway."

I smiled to myself as I thought of how ironic it was for me to be giving someone that advice. A few years ago, back when I was fighting in the exams, for that matter, I always had been ready to take on a fight and to get it over with. I remember how livid I was when Shikamaru sat behind that stupid tree, hiding from my wind attacks and waiting for the sun to set so the area of his beloved shadows would expand.

It was while I was standing face to face with him only a few feet apart - unable to move by my own accord and with my arm stretched over my head - that I realized my hunger and drive were so broad they were infringing on the territory of foolishness.

Well ... maybe it wasn't that exact moment. That moment was nothing but a smoldering ember in my mind, for I was nothing but rage when it actually happened. But after I had cooled off and took time to reflect on the exam, that moment stood out as a reminder to be even more calculated and to assess situations and opponents more carefully.

I felt my heart tighten. I wonder if that was when it started. It was the first time in my life I'd been outsmarted and that fact ate me alive for months afterward. But each time I felt it gnawing at my mind, it inevitably was accompanied with covert thoughts of that infuriating smirk, those lazy but piercing eyes, and that damn smooth nonchalant voice that made my pulse quicken. It was impossible to not have respect for someone who could provide that kind of challenge and beat you at your own game.

I couldn't pinpoint the exact moment I started falling for Shikamaru, but now those feelings were so present and immovable I figured it was not so much a single instant as it was a perfect mixture of experiences that had led first to a spark and then to a conflagration.

"Good work today, you guys," I said to the three pairs of expectant eyes that were staring at me as we arrived inside the village and stopped at the gate to part ways. My voice was encouraging and I even gave them a smile, which upon seeing, their eyes went wide but they smiled hesitantly in return. "Be sure to get rested up and I have no doubt you will be fine tomorrow. I'll see you at the training area before you begin in the morning."

"Thank you, Temari sensei!" Three different voices said in unison, before they ran off together down a street painted grey by twilight.

I felt surprisingly content. At least in a vacuum. From a much larger scope, there were several more negative emotions still nipping at me, but their impact was being lessened by the comforting sight of an evening sky heavily laden with fat, ominous clouds, pregnant with an impending rainstorm. Although I traveled to Konohagakure fairly often, it still delighted me how the storms here were invariably accompanied with whipping rain that made the whole world moist and scrubbed the air clean only to fill it with the perfume of freshly bathed trees, flowers, and soil. The storms in Sunagakure were more frequently dry storms, where the sky would become ablaze with lightning and thunder would rumble, but the only thing filling the air was twirling grains of sand.

I took a deep breath and listened to a distant rumble, which crescendoed, pulling my internal energy along with it. Blades of lightning flashed intermittently, sending out ripples of light. I sat beside the gate, turned my face up, and enjoyed the show being orchestrated in the sky. It built up all around me, encasing all my senses in protective layers.

I was free to let my mind wander behind the curtain of the storm. I thought of Shikamaru and all the things he made me feel. I constructed an image of him in my mind, slowly admiring each part before I added it to the whole. I embraced my regret for the mean things I had said and wished desperately I could snatch them back and burn them. I wondered what it would be like to live with Shikamaru and to be able to make love to him whenever I wanted, and then fall asleep next to his body only to find it there when I awoke. We could play shogi and drink tea and discuss all manners of philosophy, military strategies, and missions we had just returned from, and then escape outside and lay beneath a cloud-spattered sky and talk nonsense and then fuck to our heart's delight under a brilliant Konoha sunset.

For some reason, these thoughts infused my body with sadness – sadness that I was not allowing them to be materialized.

"Alone as usual, Temari?" Kankuro's mocking voice rudely interrupted my free performance. I lowered my head to fix him with an equally mocking glare and eject a retort, but my movement stopped short as I saw the individuals walking up along with him, only a few yards behind. My heart immediately began pounding as I noticed Azami was walking quite alone with Shikamaru, and Choji and Ino were taking up the rear.

My throat felt all clogged and for a few seconds I wasn't capable of breathing or talking.

_Don't jump to conclusions_ , I thought, although it was in my nature to consider the worst-case scenarios so I could be better prepared to tackle them.

"Did you scare off your genin?" Kankuro laughed, noticing my charges were nowhere to be found.

"No, actually," I focused entirely on my brother, engaging in the banter with all my strength so I wouldn't have to look at the others and question what was going on. "We had a great day. I even got them to smile at me."

"You're shitting me." Kankuro sneered. "There's no way that's true."

I raised my eyebrows smugly and shrugged to show him I didn't care if he believed me or not, knowing that such flairs of condescension were what really bugged my little brother. I swallowed hard and released a second round of energy to help me sustain the performance. "What about you? Why is only Azami with you?"

"You know those boys. They're still out training for a little longer, but Azami was tired and done for the day."

_Of course she was_ , I thought acidly. "I see. And why are the others with you?"

"Temari! What's wrong with you? You're such a jerk saying such things," Amazi giggled, making Ino and Choji laugh. They had come within earshot and I reprimanded myself for speaking so loudly.

I smiled as sweetly as I could. "I didn't mean it like that, of course. What are you all doing?"

"We were just hanging out for a bit," Kankuro said. "I came back from working with Chion and Seito, and saw Azami talking with Shikamaru, who already was waiting to meet up with Ino and Choji. And then we saw you ... sitting alone ... in the rain."

"I was just enjoying the storm," I said automatically in a passive voice. My mind, however, had stopped moving the minute he mentioned Azami being alone with Shikamaru and was fixated on that, boring into it. In contrast, my body was going beserk.

"We were going to go to a tea house, if you want to join us," Ino said jovially. She was being sweet and I knew I should be polite back.

"Of course." Damn it. I didn't want to say that. More than anything, I did not want to go to a tea house with them. But now it was too late to take it back.

I was sullen as I pulled myself up, but decorated my face in a wooden smile. I hated how miserable I was. Although I wasn't the most social person ever, there were times I enjoyed hanging out with others, swapping stories and letting loose - or at least marginally so.

But tonight was not one of those nights. I felt sick to my stomach and I knew having to sit by and watch Azami flirt her ass off with Shikamaru would only increase my nausea.

I truly wanted to be content again. I really did. Even more than I hated how upset I had been lately, I hated that I was incredibly self aware of this state but felt powerless to change it. I couldn't make myself forget the lazy Leaf ninja. I couldn't make myself stop being cut with blades of jealousy. I couldn't make myself believe that this didn't matter. I couldn't make myself suppress the billows of loneliness that inflated inside of me while I lay awake at night, missing Shikamaru. I wanted to ... desperately ... but couldn't.

Like a submissive robot, I followed the small troupe, only to find Ino slowing down slightly to fall into step with me while the others continued on together a few steps ahead.

"Hey, Temari," she smiled gently and brushed her platinum bangs out of her face, securing them behind her ear.

I had no idea what was happening, and I replied hesitantly, "Hey, Ino." I grimaced a little at how rude my cautious voice sounded. I tried again. "How are the exams going so far?"

She brightened up, seemingly pleased I had asked a follow up question and given her the opportunity to speak more, something she loved doing. "Pretty good! After having tried for a few times, I kind of feel like I'm just going through the motions. I'm sure that Choji and I will pass this year."

"Yeah, I'm sure," my mind couldn't conjure up much else to say. It wasn't that I was too timid or shy to not be socially awkward. I just rarely had much that I felt the need to talk about with others.

Luckily, she didn't need much else from me to begin forming sentence upon sentence talking about this and that. She talked about how nicely the jade dress I was wearing complemented my eyes. She asked me how I was enjoying my role as a diplomat for the Hidden Sand Village. She talked about the difficulties she encountered during the first round of the exam. On and on. I was dubious of her intensified friendliness toward me. It wasn't vexing, per se, but seemed out of place.

"So, Temari ..."

I knew it. I turned my face to look at her, willing her to get whatever she had to say over with now that her loaded words had made it clear she had a specific topic she wanted to attack.

"About your brother. Do you know if he likes anyone?"

_You've got to be kidding me._  My heart descended into a pit of exasperation. I figured she meant Kankuro, but I wasn't going to give the Leaf kunoichi the luxury of skirting around frankness on the back of my generally on-point assumptions. "Which one?"

She motioned with her blonde head to the trio of men - plus Azami - whose backs were turned toward us.

"I don't know ...?" I said, looking at her blankly. "Why?"

It was a little funny to see Ino, usually so quick to display her big, brash personality, become halting and unsure. She twisted one of her white tresses around her finger and had the decency to blush before plunging ahead.

"Well ... you know ... I was just thinking ..."

_Spit it out, girl_.

"He's kind of cute. Well, actually really cute. And I was hoping maybe you could say something to him. I know you guys are super close."

I felt ready to explode. Again? Who did these girls think I was? Their damn personal match-maker? I suddenly had this image of myself that I figured they must have conjured up and projected onto the terrifying Sand kunoichi, in which I was a lonely, crotchety old woman, bent with age and now so far past my own desire for sexual liaisons that it could only be assumed I was yearning to help others with their own. What the hell?

But I maintained exterior composure. "Why don't you just talk to him yourself?"

She giggled nervously, "I couldn't do that! He's older than me, and just ... really intimidating in  _that_  way ..."

I bypassed her inflection, not desiring in the least to guess at or acknowledge why my little brother intimidated ladies. I was pretty sure my mind might imagine overly smutty things I wholeheartedly did not want to picture.

"So... do you mind? At least maybe find out if he likes anyone else, that way I won't have to be embarrassed if I let him know and then he turns me down. And then just say something. Please?"

This was getting annoying, but sure. Why the hell not? "I guess so."

"Thanks!"

Having reached her actual goal of the conversation with me, she flashed me a smile and then bounded ahead to catch up with the others.

I let the cool rain that was still dripping from the soggy sky cool me down. These unusual encounters involving girls asking me to do their dirty work were starting to annoy me in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on. Well, besides the obvious fact that one such girl's feelings involved a certain dark-haired Leaf chunin. But it was more than that. Maybe it was because their actions seemed to indicate there was something inherently desirable about not being able to confront guys about your feelings, so, according to the reverse logic, since I apparently could talk to guys, it obviously followed I was not desirable?

Maybe it was just because this was the kind of drama I always had avoided, and at age 21, it seemed a little late to get caught up in this thorny mess. I couldn't materialize my annoyance or give it an object, and that evasiveness made it all the more uncomfortable. It was going to eat at me ...

We arrived at the tea house shortly. The icy cold drops of precipitation had begun a frantic dance, urgently trying to get us in step by whipping about and forcefully kissing our skin, but we were able to decline the offer by slipping into the cheery warmth of the establishment. Together, we located a table to settle into as what was becoming one incredibly awkward group.


	9. Slowly leaking

With mugs of hot liquid emitting comforting steam in front of us, a collective conversation soon picked up.

I previously had assumed Shikamaru would merely avoid me to every extent, carefully finding ways around all manners of communication, both verbal and nonverbal. But I quickly learned how wrong I had been. It then surprised me even more that I ever believed Shikamaru would go to the trouble of putting forth the effort needed to carry out an action as troublesome and strenuous as avoidance.

Instead, he acted like nothing was out of the ordinary, addressing me when need be, brushing his eyes over me when I spoke, and responding to my words as he did to anyone else's – with mild interest – and that was almost worse.

I couldn't figure him out, try as I might to untangle his seemingly complicated behavior while voices swirled around me in pleasant discussion. We had fought three nights ago, hadn't we? I was certain I didn't make that up. Did he still care about me? Had I completely erased all feelings he had for me? Probably. I had been a real jerk, after all. Had he started to fall for Azami? It couldn't be. But why had they been talking alone? Had I pushed him away and into her skinny arms?

I hoped my face wasn't in the same disarray currently being experienced by my mind. I tried to calm down and put myself back into the conversation by listening once again to what my friends were saying.

"I'm real nervous about tomorrow," Azami was the first to volunteer when there came a lull.

My eyes widened slightly with shock. The idea of admitting anxiety to fellow competitors was foreign to me. I was of the opinion that if you can't win, you go down fighting and putting on a brilliant performance depicting how 1) you don't give a shit and 2) you still aren't scared.

"Don't be too nervous," Ino said sweetly. Props to her for finding it in her power to be comforting instead of mocking, considering the talkative Sand genin was her opponent. "It's not that hard. The final competition is the real tricky step. But you'll be fine tomorrow."

"But it's the first part of the test where people actually are out to get you and you have to survive for five days, just alone as a team, without our Sensei," Azami shuddered.

"Yeah, but it doesn't take that long," Shikamaru said with a sigh, staring down at his cup of tea as if he was bored with the conversation.

"Just for some people," I muttered pointedly under my breath. I couldn't help it. We had made fun of each other for so long, and it slipped out before I could stop to consider whether I had effectively changed the nature of our friendship the other night. Was I allowed to tease him anymore?

One of his eyebrows shot up and he smirked, almost in embarrassment for once. "Oh, come on, Temari. We weren't that far behind you guys."

I gave him an openly confrontational and mocking look. "Yeah, okay, Shikamaru. Because 97 minutes and several hours are nearly the same thing. I'm glad to know your ability to count has improved exponentially over the past few years. And here I was worried you wouldn't have made yourself a more worthwhile opponent."

The sarcasm dripping from my voice drew out a slight scowl from the Leaf ninja. "Well, it's not like we had Gaara on our team to do all the work."

"Are you serious?" I felt the familiar rise of spontaneous irritation with the flippant shadow possessor ... and it felt like I was flipping over a pillow to rest my cheek on cool surface of the freshly exposed side. I looked straight into his eyes, challenging him. "That's not even a good argument! Gaara didn't carry us. And you know that. You're just too embarrassed to admit it, or else you're as much of an idiot as ever."

I was delighted be the pain in the ass he always described me as. I held him in an arrogant glare for an instant before my hidden smile, even now reserved only for Shikamaru, clawed its way out and softened the blow, as it was apt to do when I was dealing with him.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes and said in that endearing voice laced with laziness, "This is why I always say women are such a drag."

He rubbed the back of his head and looked away, refusing to get caught up in an argument, but not before glancing up at me with a knowing but teasing smirk.

My heart leapt and I quickly reeled in this feeling of normalcy, hoping to save it for later. Even if it was just an illusion, built in a space unaffected by what had happened and what was going to happen, it was alleviating.

"Temari, you shouldn't be so mean! I'm sure Shikamaru and his teammates did great!" Azami rebuked me with a laugh, shattering the illusion and rubbing gravel over my nerves with her effort to be involved in a conversation she wasn't invited to.

Apparently she did not catch on that such sarcastic repartee was commonplace, even appreciated, between the Leaf chunin and I, and her lack of awareness just augmented my annoyance.

 _Why the hell can you not just leave us alone? ... And you shut up_ , I said to quickly cut short the internal voice I knew was coming to remind me that this still was partly my fault.

"Shikamaru," Ino playfully punched her teammate. "You know Gaara isn't the only extremely talented one on their team!"

She shot Kankuro a flirtatious smile to ensure he knew she was talking about him, as Shikamaru just rolled his eyes again.

I thought about being insulted, but then realized I didn't care enough about her opinion for it to bother me that she obviously wasn't referring to me.

I wasn't surprised to see Kankuro smile back. Man, he could get his ego stroked just like that. The blonde Leaf kunoichi held his gaze for a second, appearing coy as she twirled a piece of hair around her finger.

My moment with Shikamaru was sufficiently over, I realized with bitter disappointment, and I was back in that awkward place of uncertainty. All the flirting going on at the table was becoming nauseating. I could feel the bile of emotions rising up, threatening to spill over in a less than tasteful display.

I glanced at Choji, thinking perhaps to find common ground with at least one person. He smiled but continued sucking down the food he had ordered. I didn't know if I felt more saddened or envious of the fact that he didn't seem to notice that his crush was flirting brazenly with my all-too-willing brother.

 _I guess more envious,_ I concluded thoughtfully. Nothing seemed capable of making me unaware that Azami was talking Shikamaru's ear off, barely letting him get a word in edge wise. The ponytailed Leaf chunin sat with his body leaned back leisurely, his arms crossed over his chest, his mouth only moving every so often in response.

I tried to listen intently and then analyze his replies. _He seems bored. But that's normal, right?... But he's never like this with me. … That would have been the perfect opportunity for him to throw in a 'this is a drag' or 'troublesome' . Why didn't he? …. Now, I'm pretty sure he's mocking her. But he mocks me, too … That reply was really curt. That has to mean something … Okay. This is stupid._

I swirled the now lukewarm, translucent brown liquid in my cup and pretended like I was flushing Azami down into it, and then felt embarrassed for thinking something so petty.

I considered talking about something serious, since we were all ninjas and probably had more important things with which to concern ourselves. Like the threats coming from the Akutski and what we could do about it. I loved strategizing. Normally, I could have relied on Kankuro to pitch in and help ignite that conversation if I started it, but he seemed to be enjoying talking nonsense with Ino too much.

And of course, Shikamaru would always opt for serious conversations. Although he didn't like executing ideas if they required too much work, he loved deep, thoughtful talks. Did I dare to go there? Did I have the courage to approach him for his help in discussing something of consequence, something more in my territory? I waited for a few seconds and started to feel something small pulse within.

Outside, the storm had subsided and night had fallen in its stead.

"Well, it's about that time," Kankuro yawned, standing up. "Probably should be heading back."

 _Wait, no!_  My heart was beating fast, and I felt an unexpected surge of courage as well as a pressing need to speak with Shikamaru. It was as if I had decided in a split second that I couldn't stand how we had left things. It's odd how impulses can have such potency.

Everyone slowly followed Kankuro's example, standing up and gathering their stuff. We had begun to move out from our table inside the warm tea house.

Empowered by the unlikely combination of the recent brisk rainfall, the warm reservoir in my stomach created from the multiple cups of tea, my slight break-through moment with the aloof Leaf nin, and the fact that Azami randomly and playfully touching Shikamaru's arm was beginning to mince my nerves more than I could ever have expected an action to do, I swallowed hard. My hands were fidgeting.

My mind flashed back to the time I sat with Shikamaru in the waiting room at the hospital after his comrades had been seriously injured during the Leaf's mission to retrieve Sasuke. I had made an offhanded comment about his fidgeting, telling him it was useless.

 _Oh, how the tables have turned_ , I thought almost caustically. I told my heart to stop pounding. It didn't listen. _Do it, Temari. Just talk to him._

I reached my trembling hand out to get the attention of the tall shadow possessor, who was walking a mere yard or so in front of me.

"Shikamaru," I started hesitantly, but loud enough for him to hear. When he turned to catch my eye, I caught a whiff of his sweet, simultaneously comforting and intoxicating smell and there was something in his face that invited me to go further. "Hey, I-"

"Shikamaru!"

Where had she come from? She was like a bad reoccurring dream. My hand shot back into the protective folds of my pocket and my body started back, as Azami bounced toward the Leaf chunin, her presence and shrill voice causing my resolve to come crashing down around me in torrential waves. For some reason, I felt embarrassed. I idiotically ducked my head as if I hadn't been about to speak with him, realizing just how ridiculous the action was while I nevertheless carried it out.

"Hey, Shikamaru," Azami grinned through her heavy breathing. "I can't quite remember how to get back to my apartment!"

_Really? You've been here for days._

"Ino said you often show newcomers around town when they come. Would you mind showing me the way back?"

"I'll do it," I blurted out before I could stop myself. I had felt panicked and in need of projecting myself in some way to keep this thought of Azami's from materializing. I didn't know so until she said it, but it was too much for me to handle. I couldn't even stand the thought. Also, what the hell was wrong with Ino?! I had agreed to speak with Kankuro for her, and now I felt irrationally betrayed.

Azami's eyes were fixed in a glare when she turned to look at me for a second, but her voice came out thick and sweet as honey as she continued, "That's not necessary, Temari. Besides you guys are in the opposite direction. Ino said he wouldn't mind. Would you, Shika?"

_Are you fucking kidding me? You think you can call him that?! You don't know him!_

Azami paid no mind to my internal responses, and I figured at least that meant I wasn't displaying them on my face.

"Really, Azami. I don't mind. We wouldn't want to put Shikamaru out," I surprised myself with all this talking and pushing, but I knew it was because I wasn't capable of releasing my grasp on this situation and letting it develop in the way it naturally seemed to be.

"Oh he doesn't mind, do you, Shikamaru?"

Every part of my body felt heavy and concentrated, as if they each were made out of wood and had no nerves … just thick, unfeeling mass. I tried to raise my shoulders, to shrug with indifference, but they didn't move. I dragged my eyes from their position on guard and ready to aim daggers at the infuriating, mousy Sand genin and to Shikamaru.

He looked a bit uncertain and surprised, but he made the gesture I had been incapable of doing, and Azami took it as acquiescence.

Feeling started returning to my fingers and they were beginning to burn, a sensation that started there and slowly crept up with the purpose of total conquest.

The Leaf chunin turned to look at me and I knew he was giving me the opportunity to say what I had wanted before he left. That was the thing about Shikamaru. He was so observant and honest. He probably had detected my response and even now was giving me permission to change the nature of our collective circumstances.

But I didn't. The spontaneous and uncanny courage I felt before had dissipated and been replaced with the counterfeit kind, which dictates that emotions are weakness and tries to convince me none of this matters anyway.

Tears, hot, angry ones, were building up behind my eyes, but my face showed perfect nonchalance. "Sounds good. Thanks, Shikamaru."

Azami had started scurrying away jovially the minute he agreed, and now turned back to call, "Come on, Shikamaru!"

His deep, brown eyes dissected me a few seconds longer before he simply sighed, shrugged and went to follow the Sand genin with the boundless energy.

I watched him walk away, focusing on his neck, because it seemed much safer in this moment to have something stable to grasp onto so I wouldn't get tossed about by what I knew was coming.

I stood still for a few seconds, ferociously willing myself to get under control and to push reality so far away from me that it couldn't affect me anymore. I didn't want to be inside it anymore. I wanted to step outside. I must have succeeded somewhat for when I heard Kankuro's voice, trying to get my attention, it sounded hollow and far away.

"Is that alright, Temari?"

I forced myself to nod. He could have told me he was about to run naked through the town and I wouldn't have cared. That's the thing about detaching yourself – it's all or nothing.

He and Ino sauntered off down a low-lit street and I realized apathetically that must have been the subject of his words.

"Night, Temari!" Choji's voice being sent from my ears up to my brain to be registered was the last attempt my senses made to keep me locked into the aspect of humanity that requires you to be present and to absorb, feel and project, but it was futile. I was gone.

I smiled robotically. I lifted a hand in silent farewell robotically. I turned to be sucked into a cold, lifeless street as I headed home. Nothing seemed real. I felt as if the world had been drawn with charcoal around me and even now it continuously folded as I progressed. I didn't feel anything, physically or emotionally, and I wondered if maybe mass is just a construction of the human psyche.

I looked up at the stars, burning my eyes as I tried to focus on the several direct points of light and their surrounding halos. They meant nothing. The stars weren't natural. They were electric lightbulbs – devoid of whimsy and entirely utilitarian.

 _Just like me,_  I thought, trying to be emboldened by the fact.

Once inside my room, I sat at my desk, my back straight, my eyes looking out the window but not seeing, my hands moving with assurance but not feeling the cool, smooth wood beneath my fingertips or the slightly scratchy surface of paper as I mechanically sifted through sheets of it with the purpose of doing work. I barely noticed the match in my fingers as I lit a candle sitting on the desk and unemotionally observed that light was mundane and cold.

I was safe, I thought with relief. I was untouchable and unable of touching. This was the lockbox where I had resided for most of my life and I felt marginally at ease. I was not as afraid of grappling with the sensation of repression as I was of clumsily playing around with the liberation of my feelings on the rare occasions they got free.

I took a deep breath and opened the desk drawer to grab out a pen, feeling calm and collected. Not serene. No. There was only one person with whom I'd experienced that particular emotion. But I felt apathetic and it seemed like a fine substitute. It was the stronger of the two, I decided. And definitely more safe.

As I yanked on the gold knob to pull out the drawer, something caught the corner of my eye and it seemed to let out a sad little cry to me. It was the color of a garnet, only darker and not shiny, but even in its dried up, shriveled form, it boasted a delightful perfume that enveloped my face as fresh air surrounded it and encouraged it to emit a delicious aroma once more. The petals still looked like thin, vibrant strips of velvet. The stem stretched and curved proudly, withered, but not diminished.

My throat began to hurt. It took a few seconds, and I realized it was a sign that I wanted to cry.

"No .. no," I chided myself in a hoarse voice that sounded loud in comparison to the wind whistling through the leaves outside, the only other audible noise in the dark room. "Don't lose control … please… don't. Pull yourself together, Temari."

It was no use. Nothing else had possessed the power tonight, but the perfectly preserved blossom unassumingly found a way to shoot an arrow into my heart, opening the lockbox and setting its contents free. They were now tumbling about in a shower of bulky thoughts and memories that somehow had grown more potent in captivity. In the comfort of my room, for the second time in five days – a record – my strong shoulders folded beneath a weight they couldn't bear and began to shake with loud, unkept sobs.

Why, oh why, could I not keep a handle on myself? What the hell was wrong with me? I was stronger than this. But try as I might, I couldn't wrestle my rampaging heart into control.

"That damn boy," I whispered throatily into my sobs.

I heard a slight creak of my door opening. I jumped slightly and clumsily tried to brush away the tears making little rivulets on my cheeks.

I glanced behind me and saw the silhouette of my brother in the doorway. He audibly gasped, and as he stalked farther into the room, the stricken look on his face became clear.

"Temari!" He rushed over to me, his face filled with shock and anger. "What's wrong? What happened to you?"

My cheeks grew warm. _How embarrassing._

I had cried only a handful of times in my life and they always involved life-and-death matters, which is why it made sense for Kankuro to be so alarmed. The fact that I was sitting here, weeping over a stupid boy, was ripe with humiliation. Unfortunately, instead of mortification acting as a ladder to help me crawl out of this pathetic hole of meaningless anguish, it simply augmented the sadness and forced more involuntary tears to stream from my eyes.

"It's nothing," I choked out over my sobs, my disobedient body trembling from the force of the intense amalgamation of regret and confusing pain brewing inside.

My stutters did nothing to calm down Kankuro. He looked ready to kill someone and his voice was so low and compacted that I knew he meant business.

"Temari. Tell me what fucking happened. Seriously. I will take care of it. Just tell me what's wrong! I will fuck with whoever did this to you. I swear."

I looked up into his brown eyes, flickering wildly with panic and anger, while the rest of his face was fixed in absolute determination. His hands were clenched at his sides. Even through my tears, I couldn't help releasing a shaky smile at his unruly and intense reaction. I placed my hand tenderly on his arm and swallowed, hoping to stretch my tight throat so I could speak more clearly.

"Kankuro … I promise. It's alright. No one is in danger. … It's just something stupid."

He regarded me critically for second, his face softening gradually as he decided to believe me. "You promise?"

"Yeah."

"Well… then … what's wrong?" He crouched down beside the chair I sat in and awkwardly began to rub my knee. He seemed to have no idea how to handle this situation.

I didn't speak for a few seconds, focusing on the sight of my hands resting clasped in my lap. I wasn't exactly sure whether or not I was ready. _But I just need someone_.

How did one go about even talking about this kind of stuff? I never had before. Noticing my shoulders were tensed, I consciously released them and focused on my brother's clumsy but sweet pats to my knee. He really was trying.

I took a deep breath, "Alright. You need to stay calm. Don't make fun of me. I may be upset, but I still can kick your ass."

He didn't look quite as curious as I expected he would. Odd …. But I continued.

"Alright … well …. It's like this," I cleared my throat. _Just fucking get it over with._ "I'm … I have feelings …. Uh. Um. Alright. It's just that. … I have these feelings for Shikamaru."

Kankuro's eyes got wide. There were so many emotions passing over his face that I could not pull out the predominant one.

"Feelings?" Alright. He was definitely smirking a little. But there was something else. Almost like a respect or something – it seemed abnormal and misplaced. However, it quickly disappeared, leaving only blatant confusion, mockery, and disorientation. "Like … 'you are 21 and still a virgin and you think he's hot and you want to screw him' feelings?"

Of course he would take it there. "No! ... Well … I mean," I shook my head dismissively, not wanting to tell my little brother just how much sexual activity I had and still wanted to do with the Leaf chunin. "Ummm… yeah, that's part of it. But ... anyway ..."

A bundle of humiliation dumped on top of me and I realized this was likely the worse idea ever. But I was already entrenched. I inhaled deeply and plunged ahead, "But it's more than that. I think …maybe … possibly … I'm in …"

My voice trailed off. I couldn't say that word. I sat still for a few second, but when I glanced up and caught sight of my brother's expectant and somewhat teasing eyes, it made me frustrated and defensive.

"I'm in love with him, alright?" I said bluntly, wanting to call him an ass, but stopping short as I realized he currently was my only ally and I desperately was in need of one.

Kankuro stared at me blankly and I wasn't sure if it made me more anxious or exasperated. _Just say something_. I actually hadn't expected this sort of thoughtful consideration. Kankuro wasn't stupid or anything, but he often acted with bold, abrasive moves and rarely resorted to mulling over things in his mind. A few long seconds ticked by.

At last he exhaled and rubbed his eyes as it soaked in. "Are you serious?"

I nodded timidly and waited, holding my breath. When at last Kankuro spoke, it was nothing short of an outburst.

"You, my ferocious sister, Temari, are in love with a lazy ass chunin from the Hidden Leaf Village? Are you serious? Him? Of all people. He can't do anything! He's one of the most worthless ninjas, you know that right? Why would you fall for a loser like him? What is wrong with you?"

I had expected him to make fun of me, but not to attack Shikamaru. A bolt of anger shot through my body and I couldn't hold in the forceful words it was creating, which spewed out through gritted teeth. "What. The. Hell. Are. You. Talking. About? Shikamaru is brilliant, you dick. Probably the most brilliant ninja in the Land of Fire. He- he's clever, and strong and thoughtful," I realized I was sputtering and choppily gesticulating, but I couldn't stop. I was livid and couldn't stand someone, even my beloved brother, insulting Shikamaru. "You're an idiot. He has every ounce of potential to become one of the greatest leaders in the village. He's already relied upon to create strategies for the Leaf. He genuinely cares about others and would do anything out of loyalty. Yes, he may be a bit lazy, but he's incredibly talented. He has a character of gold. And he's gorgeous ... and sweet ... and sarcastic ... and frustrating ... and ... and why the hell are you laughing?"

Kankuro was chuckling softly and shaking his head. I stopped to take a deep breath and eye him, incensed and confused.

"Damn, Temari," he said with a smile. "I was just joking. I wanted to see what you would say. You really are crazy for the guy, huh?"

I hadn't known I would get so defensive about Shikamaru, but having done so, it forced me to realize I was in much deeper than I thought.

All worked up and with nowhere to dump my emotions now, they started leaking through my eyes again, each nonsensical tear pulling out more and more excruciating misery until I was sobbing again.

"Oh, oh... Temari," Kankuro wrapped his arms around me, his face still caught in transition between laughter and concern. The only physical contact we ever really partook in was training as adults, and all manner of scrappy fighting when we were younger, so of course punching, slapping, and kicking. To have my brother give me a hug was awkward, but it wasn't the bad kind of awkward.

I softened into his arms as he helped lift me from the chair and led me over to the bed so we could sit side by side, him tenderly patting my back.

"You know... I think Azami likes him, too. You might have to pull him away from her grasp. What are you going to do about that?"

Not exactly the most helpful thing he could say, but I didn't know how to answer or what the facts even were anymore, for that matter. I wanted to verbally tear the girl apart, but I could no longer tell myself with perfect certainty that nothing was going on between Azami and Shikamaru. I laid my head on Kankuro's lap and let my tears communicate everything I felt on that subject as they traveled down my face and darkened his pants with their moisture.

"I ... just ... don't know what to do," I struggled to admit through my bawling and my pride. I couldn't imagine what was passing through Kankuro's mind as he looked at my convulsing body and listened to my embarrassing, sob-soaked confessions _._

 _I'm sure he is thinking 'who is this sad, pathetic, weak monster and what did she do with my sister?_ I didn't have the strength to look up and search for any repulsion or reproach in my brother's eyes. I just lay still, taking solace in the warmth of his body and his being thoughtful enough to stay relatively calm.

"Well, judging from that outburst earlier, I don't think there is much for you to do, Temari. I mean, you were about ready to kill me over the guy. That's got to mean something."

I considered his words as my eyes played over all the objects in my room that were colored dark by night. I really did possess an incredibly strong, all-consuming love for Shikamaru. That wasn't the confusing part. But never before had I been asked to defend those feelings to another. That I had, and so belligerently, certainly hit me as unexpected.

 _What does that mean?_ The cool air seeping through my open window was comforting and my sobs had almost subsided.

"By the way," I said, my voice shaky from weeping, "Ino is interested in you."

Kankuro chuckled and continued to pat my back. "Yeah, I know."

Completely spent, I let my body fully relax in his lap. The melancholy song of a bird meandered through the stillness. It was beautiful and sad. I wrapped my mind around it to try to keep it preserved. I liked to think it was both a sort of eulogy to the passing away of the hard, cold Temari, who was unable of admitting to something as 'feeble' and 'weak' as having feelings for a wily, lazy Leaf ninja, as well as the slow, steady birth of a Temari who was courageous enough, as Shikamaru would put it, to allow herself to feel love and turn those feelings from something inhibiting and diminishing into something powerful and beautiful. She was coming ... bit by bit ... and I could sense it.

"You need to get your shit together and figure something out, Temari," Kankuro said affectionately, softly moving me from his lap so my body was laying on the bed and he was free to move once more. I felt groggy and I highly anticipated the deep sleep I could see descending over my body.

"Yeah ... I know."


	10. A new kind of humiliation

All six of our genin passed the second part of the exam. I allowed myself to be consumed with my responding pride and my determination to help them get through the last step. We spent long hours training, physically and mentally, working on every manner of appropriate ninjutsu, genjutsu, and taijutsu that my mind could recall as it worked to abridge the moments it spent preoccupied with thoughts of Shikamaru.

A small part of me just wanted to keep Azami too busy and focused to devote any more time to trying to win the Leaf chunin's affection. I succeeded somewhat in the busy part, but it was impossible in those moments when Kankuro and I decided she couldn't be pushed any further to train for anyone to get her to talk about much else. The slight solace I was able to extract was derived from the fact that her conversation was dominated by "I" pronouns: "I think X," "If I keep doing this," "And so I told him." She rarely decided to focus on his responses, which made me curious if there had been many, if any, of which to take note.

 _It's not my business anyway,_  I reprimanded myself.

When I wasn't working with the Sand genin or attending to responsibilities associated with my role as an ambassador that occasionally emerged, I took to taking long walks or training intensely, giving myself the privacy to think about Shikamaru and, as Kankuro had put it, "get my shit together."

I mulled over my brother's words as I traveled to the top of a mountain that overlooked the Hidden Leaf Village. Bathed in mid-afternoon sunlight, spotted with luscious emerald trees, and surrounded on all sides with a solid spread of abundant vegetation, it was fairly breathtaking. It struck me as curious that the village held such a precious spot in my heart and I wondered how much was due to its association with Shikamaru. A good deal of our shared memories occurred here in this village: our first meeting, our first fight, our first kiss … a lot of firsts. It seemed as though as long as the Hidden Leaf Village existed, so would the man I adored. He would be here and I could come back to him whenever I wanted.

 _What if he leaves?_ The question was a fair one, although it came out of nowhere and wasn't something I wanted to address.  _What if he chooses someone else?_

An image of Azami floated in front of me, with her chestnut brown hair, slender figure, flirtatious giggles, and infatuation for the Leaf chunin. With no regard to my feelings, my mind took that thought to its logical conclusion, and I was forced to stare at the image of him touching her, whispering sweet words to her, kissing her. My hands flew up to cover my face although I knew this physical reaction would do nothing to spare me the pain elicited by these horrible and still hypothetical mental images. It was pure, unabated torture.

 _Stop! Stop!_ I screamed to myself, closing my eyes tighter and trying to shake the picture out of my mind.

I tried to ignore these thoughts, but it wasn't really in my nature to simply hide or run from a fight.  _… But what about the fact that you're running away from your feelings for Shikamaru?_

I thought for a few minutes, my eyes glued to the vivid azure sky that seemed to be alive and moving, full of energy and majestic strength. _But he'll always be there. Shikamaru is loyal. He won't leave me._  

My heart pounded in my ears and several points of fear pricked me as I knew the next argument before it was uttered by my mind.  _… but he's not with you. You won't let him be._

I knew my outburst in front of Kankuro was proof I had it in me to fight for Shikamaru. I reviewed that incident over and over again in my mind, stopping to handle each specific. When I had defended him, I felt more content and more myself than I had through any part of this ordeal, post screwing the sexy shadow possessor. We were like night and day, rain and sunshine, the forest and the desert: the positive facets of our essences were so much more recognizable when contrasted with one another. We magnified the best in each other and mitigated the worst. Damn, but I loved him.

Heaving a sigh, I shook my head and pushed the jumble of emotions and bits and pieces of ugly, uncomfortable mental objects aside. I needed to focus. The Chunin Exams were ongoing and I needed to devote my time and energy to counseling our genin to showcase their skills in a way that would help them get promoted. I tossed a blanket over the ideas being constructed in my mind – they were the start of something. What exactly, I wasn't sure. It was as if a purpose already was designed for them, but somehow not by me. I was the one who didn't quite yet know their significance.

As I walked back, my muscles sore but tingling with clumps of energy contained within, a thought snuck stealthily into my brain. I tried to consider it without confessing to myself that I was, for it was a silly, girlish thought. There was a way to get back to the apartment where I was staying by going through the Nara clan's section of town, and past Shikamaru's house. I bit my lower lip hard and looked around me in an aloof manner, trying to pretend that I wasn't inching closer and closer to this ridiculous idea.

I didn't want to admit I was behaving in irrational ways I never had before; things like purposely walking by a guy's house in the hopes of catching a glimpse of him would have been so foreign to me months ago. I would have scoffed at someone telling me of doing such a thing and labeled it absolutely ludicrous and juvenile.

But I wanted to see him. I missed him and the worries that had sprouted up earlier were making me feel a ferocious and pressing need to know he wasn't slipping away from me into an abyss where he soon would become unreachable. However, I knew my body wouldn't actually move in that direction unless I had a rationalization other than, "I need to get a glimpse of Shikamaru." So I quickly devised one.

_It probably is faster. Especially if I take the alleyways. I can find a shortcut and get home quicker … it's like a challenge._

That would do it.

I would blaze a quicker trail home, but make that journey weave through a specific subdivision of the Hidden Leaf Village. This wasn't about Shikamaru at all.

I felt little pricks of embarrassment and couldn't help quickly eying people passing me on either sides, nervous and illogically worrying that one of these strangers would guess my ulterior motives and call me out on them. But no one did. None of the passersby acted suspicious or critical, and they really weren't paying attention to me at all, focusing instead on their traveling companions or the ground as they worked to move toward their destinations quickly and without interruptions. I knew I was not as conspicuous as I worried about being. Safely cocooned in obscurity, my steps became more sure as I walked on. Minutes ticked by, building up my anxiety.

There was a light breeze blowing and I gently played with it, just to give my hands something to do. At last, I saw the Nara clan symbol depicted on a building and I knew I was there.

Why was I so damn nervous? Anticipation was being built, brick by brick, within my body, and it effectively made me feel like I was carrying around a dozen tons of impounded tension. I swallowed saliva that had been building up in my mouth. It wasn't until I did so that I realized I hadn't been breathing or swallowing for quite a few seconds. I wanted to tell myself this was stupid, but denial was my best friend right now and I wasn't about to concede that I was acting like a nonsensical schoolgirl. I was in this too deep now, might as well carry out this lunacy to completion.

Suddenly, in the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar figure – tall, slender, relaxed, intoxicatingly appealing – slowly meandering toward his home. Like a bolt of lightning, I twisted unnaturally and tossed myself into an adjacent side road, so he wouldn't see me.

I knew all these antics would be preserved, and later, I would parade them mockingly across my mind in a form of self punishment for my currently asinine behavior. But right now, my desire to devour images of Shikamaru to fill the void that had been created was so intense it was the driving force behind my nutty actions. And I knew if I actually let myself acknowledge how out-of-character I was behaving, it would dampen my resolve and I might not get what I wanted.

I peeked out from behind the wall, knowing that if I hadn't looked suspicious before I definitely did now. Luckily, night had creeped up and there were fewer and fewer people whose attention I could grab. Thank goodness for my affinity for being out at night instead of going home early like a normal person.

The door to Shikamaru's home was closing upon his tall figure. At last I could breathe again. I straightened up and continued my journey, putting on the facade that nothing out of the usual had happened or now was occurring. Blushing with embarrassment, I decided I had made enough of a fool of myself for one night, and decided to quickly hurry home. That had been the excuse for this ridiculous "shortcut" in the first place.

At least I had caught a glimpse of him, which surprisingly had only sufficed in magnifying the ache I was carrying around for the past few days. But it was an image that could hold me over for awhile. A nagging voice inside reminded me, for the umpteenth time, that I was bringing this on myself. There was always the option for me to actually toughen up, bite the bullet, swallow my pride, give in to my feelings and go talk to Shikamaru if I wanted to.

Instead, I was still deciding to run away, settling for scraps like ridiculously walking by his home and stowing far-away images of the Leaf Chunin to have while I spent time alone instead of with him.

For my next maneuver on my journey back to the apartment, I picked an alleyway that ran along the side of the Leaf chunin's residence. I felt dejected and discontent, hunger for the shadow possessor still gnawing at me, when, unexpectedly, a light turned on in a window just a few paces ahead. The soft yellow block coming from inside the building created a perfect square of pale grey on a building that paralleled the Nara residence. A spark of curiosity flared up and my legs hurried forward to work off the warm energy squirting into them.

My eyes grew wide and my heart soared to my throat when my eyes made contact with the scene unfolding inside the house.

Shikamaru was standing, presumably in his bedroom, and apparently trying to get a bit more comfortable, for he was taking off his green vest, dropping it carelessly on the floor. I held my breath, waiting to see if he would keep going, and desperately hoping he would, not caring just how much of a voyeur I was in this moment.

Much to my reticent delight, he slipped his fingers under his black shirt, and, with one swift motion, lifted it up over his head. I was acquiring a slight cramp from craning my neck, as the window sat at roughly the height of my chest, and also from trying to stand as still as a statue. But I didn't care. I could not peel my eyes away. I was hungry and watching my prey with a steady, unblinking gaze, pushing him to keep going with what probably would be considered a forbidden longing. Luckily it was one that was glowing secretly within me in this incredibly intimate moment that not even Shikamaru was cognizant he was sharing with me. I did not feel quite so bad about its nature… quite.

As if in response to my prodding, he at last shed his green-lined mesh under shirt. I audibly, albeit involuntarily, gasped as I feasted my eyes on his now bare chest and arms. My mouth started watering. Was it possible he had gotten sexier since I had seen him naked a few weeks ago? It absolutely seemed that way. I quickly scanned his bared toned torso from top to bottom again and again, creating a file of images in my mind to be reviewed and savored when I was alone and missing him, as I was sure to be in the next few days.

I loved the way his muscles rippled over his body, creating dips and shadows in all the right places. His tattoo stood out against his lightly tanned skin that looked so soft and warm as it captured the soft glow bursting forth from the lamp in his bedroom. Seeing him now brought back memories that seemed so fresh and real I had to clasp my hands to remember the actual feel of flesh on flesh and acknowledge those memories were just that - memories – and not events taking place in the present material world. But damn, did I wish I was kissing his supple lips and then digging my teeth into those muscles and sliding my fingers along his chest, and that neck, and down his muscular, flat stomach, maybe even... My faced flushed, bright red I'm sure, as I remembered with perfection what was beneath those pants. I touched my cheek and wasn't surprised to find it hot on the tips of my fingers.

It made me conscious of what exactly I was doing: Standing in an alleyway watching Shikamaru strip off his clothes in the privacy of his own bedroom. Ample bouts of shame and embarrassment instantly hit me, but I just couldn't leave. Not yet. Besides, I'd already seen every last detail of his perfect body with his permission, so how wrong could this be?

 _Probably very, very wrong_ , a small voice rebuked me, but its warning fell on deaf ears, as well as its admonition that this definitely wasn't what Kankuro meant when he told me to take action.

Shikamaru turned so he was facing away from the window, giving me a delicious view of his sculpted back, which became more defined as one arm reached up to pull out the band keeping his ponytail in place. The thick dark tresses, now liberated, fell gracefully to his shoulders.

He was sexy as hell with his hair down, and I couldn't help feeling pleasure that it probably was an extremely rare sight few had been given the right to view. It made me feel powerful for some reason - like I had something treasured and coveted, such as a pocket ace. It was only mine and I could use it for my benefit whenever I wanted to.

My pussy was throbbing, for how long, I didn't know, since I was not aware when it started. But I could tell it was becoming wet and uncomfortable, just another reminder of how shameless my current activity was. I felt my thighs tighten, as if they were trying to tell me they wanted to be wrapped around something long and hard and tightly holding it in place while the ache between my legs was taken care of.

The shadow possessor then slipped off his pants and my pussy gushed more. So close ... Although, unfortunately, I could only see the tops of his boxers from my vantage point ... standing in an alley ... in the dark ... snooping on someone I wasn't even dating. At least I was alone and no one would ever get to know just how low I could fall for this boy. I was intrepidly rolling around in the deepest, dirtiest pits of my longing right now and apparently didn't care.

I continued to stare. _Go on_ , I urged silently, my fists clenched at my waist. He looped his fingers inside the band of his boxers. My heart was beating so hard, I felt like I actually could hear it pounding out an erratic rhythm.

Then suddenly, the Leaf chunin stopped short, turned slowly at his waist, looked out his bedroom window and almost directly into my wide-eyed stare. The gaze was too accurate.

 _Shit_. I ducked my head in the fastest movement I had ever performed, but not before I saw Shikamaru's face taken over by the most knowing and mocking smirk I had yet to see, making it almost seem as if he had known I was out there all along. I didn't give myself time to dwell on that possibility, as I was running away from the light streaming from the window and Shikamaru's clever eyes as fast as my legs would carry me.

Before this moment, I thought I had known what humiliation was. I thought I had experienced every nuance encapsulated in that emotion. But I was quickly learning my idea of embarrassment felt like nothing more than the brush of a feather when compared to the feeling I was experiencing now: copious amounts of hot, molten lead oozing through my body with unrecognizable force.

 _In less than a month, I've managed to have sex with, cry multiple times over, and now spy on Shikamaru_ , I thought with fervent disgrace. _How is he doing this? Where the hell is my pride?_

It didn't take long for me to dart down the night-swept streets and into my apartment room. I couldn't help but note with bitter irony the fact that, despite my detour, I actually had managed to make it home quicker.

I fell onto my bed, utterly mortified, and pulled a blanket up over my rigid body and burning face. The relief it gave me, the sense that I was hiding and the full implications of what just transpired could no longer reach me, was barely existent. However, I was willing and grateful to accept any alleviation no matter how minuscule.

Unmoving, I slowly drifted to sleep with the feeling that a thousand irritated bees were swarming all around me, leaving enough stings of humiliation so I would remember this for a long time.

 

* * *

 

For the first few of my waking seconds, I felt calm and cool as I let the sunlight dripping through my window finish the job of bringing me to full consciousness. When that happened, I was suddenly hit with the memory of what took place last night and my face flushed anew.

 _Damn, how embarrassing,_ I thought as I rubbed my eyes and yawned.

The memory of those deep brown eyes, peering at me as I stood outside his bedroom window, watching him undress … Too much to bear. I could see his face – his taunting, gorgeous, frustrating face – even as I tried to finish some of the paperwork that had piled up on my desk. Even miles away from Suna it felt like the work never was done.

I hurried through task after task in spurts broken by reminders of what a chump I was for doing what I did last night. I was a jonin, for fuck's sake! And a Suna ambassador. And a damn good kunoichi! There was no excuse for my behavior.

 _I should have just stayed there. I should have confronted him. Why did I act like a coward? If I'm going to do things like skulk around and spy on him, I might as well take responsibility -_  

My internal rambling was interrupted by a curt knock on my door and it made me realize I no longer was writing anything at all in the notebook sitting open in front of me but instead was staring out the window and absentmindedly tapping a pencil against my hand. "Come in."

The door opened and Gaara entered the room. I began smiling at him until I noticed his normally placid aquamarine eyes held a few, pale splinters of concern. "What's up, Gaara?" It was nicer when we were in private and I didn't have to remember his unwavering, oft repeated request of me to address him professionally.

"One of our teams of genin went to the outskirts of the village to train. Kankuro instructed them to be back by noon and it's now two, and they've not yet returned. I'm sure it's nothing, but considering the circumstances, I want to make sure they're not lost or hurt. Would you mind going out and looking for them?" His voice sounded bored. I knew he found this sort of trivial foolishness annoying. "I'm sure you have more important things to do, but you understand."

I nodded, letting out a sigh, "Yeah, sure. I get it. I'll go."

"Thanks, Temari. It's a little disconcerting. Certainly doesn't make a good impression," he shook his auburn head but continued, "Kankuro went to get Shikamaru to assist you. He figured he would be a good person for that since he's used to helping out visitors."

 _That bastard._ I knew damn well why he actually went to get Shikamaru, that sneaky son of a bitch. I could imagine him secretly laughing to himself when he advised my unsuspecting youngest brother that Shikamaru would be a big help and then even gallantly went off to fetch him. My teeth clenched and my eyes narrowed with frustration at that infuriating, devious little jerk, but I managed to smile gently, "Sorry about this. I'll get on it immediately. I'm sure they're fine and we'll get them back."

Gaara nodded and then left, his ebony robes sweeping against his legs as he left with as much dignity as if he was going to address a crowd for an important event. My pulse made a point of quickening as I tied back my hair into my signature pigtails. "Alright, I get it. I'm nervous. And excited," I muttered, relenting to the annoying throbbing. I let out a deep breath I'd been keeping in. "All right, I can do this."

Shikamaru was outside our building, leaning against it nonchalantly with his hands in his pockets, and talking to Kankuro when I came out, squinting as the sudden burst of sharp sunlight struck my eyes. Kankuro was facing me, and I managed to fix him with a vicious glare that communicated as much as " _I'm going to kill you,"_  before Shikamaru lazily turned his head to look at me. Damn those eyes. Last night flashed into my mind once again and I was covered with goosebumps at being forced to re-experience humiliation in front of the cause of said humiliation.

"Hey, Temari," Kankuro greeted me gleefully, catching my glare and mischievously disposing of it without even trying to hide the fact that he didn't give a shit. "Gaara filled you in, huh? Stupid kids … they headed out north, I think, if that's any help."

"Eh, it's as good of a place to start as any," Shikamaru drawled, pulling himself up straight and stretching. "You ready to go, Temari?"

"Mm-hmm." I nodded, unable to form actual words.

Our trip was dreadfully quiet as we started out, heading north; several rough minutes elapsing at an excruciatingly slow pace.

_This is horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible._

I kept my eyes glued on the road ahead and tried not to look at the raven-haired Leaf chunin. Only the sound of our shuffling feet and distant cries from wild genin messing around served to temper the awkwardness in any sort of way.  _You need to say something. Say something. Maybe he didn't see you last night. Say something._

I swallowed and glanced up, only to catch him glancing down at me at the exact same instant, although his gaze was much more sure. I could sense him laughing at me, as if the awkwardness was mine alone to carry and he could simply be amused by it. _Shit_. I felt my anger building up, although I knew it wasn't fair of me to be that frustrated with him. He chuckled.

"What is it?" I huffed out, although a bit relieved to have the silence broken after what had seemed like forever.

"Nothing," he rubbed at the back of his neck, backing down a little at the predictable sign of my domineering persona that had just wiggled its way out. "You're just funny when you get all irritated like that."

"Oh shut up, Shikamaru. I'm not annoyed." I knew I sounded even more vexed and I wasn't hiding it. "Besides, what would I have to be annoyed about?"

"I can think of a few things," he glanced down at me again with a knowing smile. My eyes grew wide and my mouth clamped shut. _He might know … probably. He's not stupid ... please, please don't bring that up._

"I guess, I just didn't expect to be spending the afternoon looking for a bunch of children. I had a lot of work to get done." At least that was partially true, and it was enough to steer us away from where I really didn't want to go. Nevertheless, I was pretty sure the incident was what we both were thinking about as I became more and more certain he had seen me last night. But leaving it unarticulated at least was a bit more comforting for me. I had to admit that it was sweet of him not to bring it up and to let me just stew in my humiliation instead of actually having to acknowledge it.

"Yeah, I gotcha," he seemed to pick up on my professional cue and was following suit. "It is a bit of a drag. And I got stuck doing it with an equally troublesome person." He smiled.

I figured things were too unstable and sensitive between us for him to feel comfortable making a remark like that in his typical irritated and bored manner, as would normally have been the case. That was how it often went down: He would act lethargic and had no problem showing me just how frustrating I was to him, and then he'd break into an authentic smile that normally was as comforting to me as it was rare and precious. But right now, I knew the one he gave me was a counterfeit smile, the kind used to keep people at arm's length or else to build an acquaintanceship with strangers. Neither was appealing to me in contrast to what I used to share with the shadow possessor.

"Yeah, I'm sure you also had more important things to do. What with all the responsibilities you have leading the exams and everything." This wasn't comfortable and it should have been. No one made me feel more at peace than the dark-eyed Leaf chunin, but that was only because generally felt I could be open with him. Now, we were leaving way too much unsaid between us, avoiding the tough topics, and participating in the mindless, formal small talk we both desperately hated. I knew he was waiting for me to take the first step. Was I ready? I cleared my throat, but couldn't make words come out. I wasn't entirely sure what I wanted to say anyway. A pregnant hush burrowed its way firmly between us. At least now we had left the village and I felt hopeful our journey would soon fulfill its purpose.

It was Shikamaru who broke the silence next, and his dull voice was business as usual. "The most likely scenario is that, if they were up north, they just got lost or confused in the woods. They can be a bit tricky and it can happen to anyone."

I laughed. "You don't have to be nice, Shikamaru. Real ninja don't get lost that easily."

He smiled and shrugged. "You said it. Not me. Anyway, we're almost there."

Suddenly a few noises could be heard coming from about a quarter mile or so away, drifting through the maze of various trees that fanned out on the slight hill ahead of us. I could discern one of them to be Azami's voice, and then it became clear the other two were those of Chion and Seito. "Hey, I think I heard them up ahead. Come on. Let's hurry."

I quickened the pace and was happy to hear the noises growing louder and louder. Just as I was sure my genin were about to come into view, Shikamaru's low, taunting voice, coming from a step behind me, induced me to stop. "Hey, Temari."

I turned expectantly only to find him looking down at me deviously with his lips curled in a confident smile. Now that one was real. I swallowed.

"If you ever have the urge to see me naked again, you know you can just ask," he winked suggestively and then strolled off in front of me, leaving me to gasp.

I ducked my blushing face and followed after him, my eyes glued to the wet, mossy ground and my insides filled with fresh mortification and aggravation, but also a hint of excitement. His words had been an invitation that, if nothing else, I would enjoy thinking about if I ever could quell the embarrassment.

I tried to stifle the raging emotions within so they wouldn't get out of control and escape through any sort of physical emotion or gesture. I guess Shikamaru wasn't as sweet as I thought he was. _That damn bastard._

I didn't look at him for the rest of our short mission, but instead focused on just how hard I would kick Kankuro's ass when I saw him again. And maybe someday even Shikamaru's, if I could ever feel my way through this mess and get to a place where I had the ability to pay him back, and his ass was mine to do with it what I pleased …


	11. All pieces in place

"Kankuro!" I burst through his bedroom door without knocking, driven by pure rage. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

At the sound of my unexpected, voluminous voice, my younger brother started from his leisurely position sprawled out on his bed in just his pants, reading a book. However, upon seeing his sister in one of her far-from-rare uproars, he then simply burst out laughing, "Just some advice from an old friend."

I didn't know what he meant so I just kept going.

"It's not funny, you dick. Why would you pull a stunt like that? I trusted you." I towered over him, my feet solidly grounded shoulders' width apart, my clenched fists digging into my voluptuous hips to keep them from smacking his evilly jovial face."It's not funny. I will punch that stupid grin of your face and do it so hard that no amount of face paint can cover up the damage, I swear to you!"

I knew my anger was fueled less by the objective wrongness of Kankuro's actions and more by my utter humiliation at being called out by Shikamaru with his stupid smirk, and his dumb face, and his ... taunting words ... and his annoying sexiness ... my mind was bumbling about so much that only my revenge on Kankuro carried any sort of concrete form.

I guess my threat seemed at least somewhat legitimate, for Kankuro's arms went up protectively to save himself from the brunt of any sort of onslaught, although his mouth remained fixed in a grin. "Ah, calm down, Temari. Don't be a baby. It is kind of funny if you think about it."

I heaved a few deep sighs to try and get myself under control, although my eyes kept thrashing him with their angry appraisal. "No. It's really not. You're a jerk."

"Well, you know, I wouldn't have to do stuff like this if you would stop being a fucking pansy!"

Something about the words immediately dammed my anger so I was left reeling in the wake a cold, harsh blow of shock. It wasn't the insult. I'd been called much worse names by my ferocious, sometimes even merciless brother. It was because the teasing words held so much truth, they elevated themselves from the status of petty mockery to solidify a very weighty significance and subsequently blinding impact. My eyes dropped to the floor.

Kankuro, interpreting my deflation correctly, cautiously nudged forward. "You know I'm right. Did I do this partly to screw with you? Of course I did. I'd never miss that opportunity," he grinned. "But also because I love you and you need to stop with this timid, repulsive 'I-don't-know-what-I-want-even-though-I-actually-do' shit. It's not like you. You need to get out there. Kick some ass. Get some. I know you want it."

The edges of my lips twitched in spite of myself and they gave way to a soft smile to accompany my brittle voice as I said sarcastically, "Thanks for the permission."

"Hey, hey, I know as well as the next person that a satisfied Temari makes everyone happier," Kankuro winked up at me.

"Oh my gosh. You are ridiculous. And I'm done with you." With only a slight anger that I couldn't quite justify fueling me, I smacked him hard across his muscular tanned arm and then turned to storm out of the room in the same way I had entered.

"I expect a more formal thank you later, plumpy!" Kankuro called out behind me, as I let the door swing shut with a solid slam.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately, the next day was so filled with activity because we were in the third stage of the Chunin Exams, that it didn't give me time to think or to act. The day was a flurry of activity, during which I tried to keep track of our genin and will my eyes not to look at the sexy proctor. I attributed his increasing appeal to the growing number of days since he had physically satisfied me in a way that had previously been an absolute unknown… could these feelings be attributed solely to horniness? And if that was all it was, why were the painful torrents constantly assaulting my emotions, thoughts and resolve strictly tied to interactions with the slender, darkhaired Leaf chunin? Shouldn't other guys get the same rise out of me? But they didn't.

I would be left like a dilapidated house, not so much ruined but sort of crazy and jumbled. And it was always Shikamaru who was the cause.

I had to admit, however, I couldn't help noticing he was performing his job with a degree of professionalism and maturity that wasn't quite surprising, but struck me nonetheless. Although he still kept his hands in his pockets half the time, there was less leaning against walls, less yawning, and fewer utterances of "this is such a drag." Fuck, he seemed to know just how to make himself more and more attractive to me. It was becoming too much to handle …

The day after the exams commenced, I awoke with a ripple of energy from a weird, nameless category that I couldn't quite place. I looked out of the window as my limbs prepared to move my body and somehow I knew instinctively that something lay hidden within this day that would spring out unexpectedly to alter my life in one way or another. However, instead of pondering what that could be or what I should do about it or a dozen other explanations and interpretations that led down an endless rabbit hole, as I normally would have, I dressed with a flurry of purpose in a silent commitment to pursue it and pull it out myself. I was tired of sitting around and waiting. Something had to be  _done_. I had and was known for a deep embedded strain of control, subdued strength, and caution. But today, I had the mischievous feeling of resistance and the rebellious impulse to disrupt the strain. With this goal in mind, I left my bedroom and started down the hall.

"Temari," Gaara's voice came out pure and calm from inside his room, and I made a detour to enter and find out what he needed. He had turned the small gray apartment unit into a sort of workstation – of course he would – and he was busy completing some official orders pertaining to infrastructure within the Hidden Sand Village. I felt mildly happy I didn't have to deal with that boring stuff.

"Hey, what's up?" I sat down casually on his desk. I really was in rare form, looking for different ways to break the tight bonds of the norm and convention.

Gaara's eyes narrowed a bit with surprise at my small fit of unpredictability, but I had earned enough of his respect both as a shinobi and his sister that he gave me more leeway than others. "We're looking to head out tomorrow, but I need to speak with our genin about our decision in regards to their ranks after their performances at the exams. I already got official advice from Lady Hokage, and would like to speak with them about that now. Could you go gather them? Kankuro had planned some sort of training. Please let him know I'll send them back soon."

"Yeah, sure. I'll tell them to come here."

"Thanks, Temari."

Me being his sister also meant I never got formal dismissals as he assumed that I would interpret his return to filling out forms as a sign that he didn't need anything else from me.

I pulled myself off of his desk and hurried to do his bidding, as I always did.

A slight emergence of doubt developed inside as Gaara's words sunk in. We were heading back to Sunakagure tomorrow.

 _Maybe you shouldn't worry about figuring this out this visit."_ That always was a possibility. I would have more time on my next visit, even if that was a few months away. After all, I felt a little panicked at having to choose between committing to a relationship with Shikamaru and forgoing a relationship with him altogether. I wanted Option C. I wanted to wait. That way, there was more time to think about everything. I needed to analyze the scenario a little more. I didn't have all the data. I hadn't thought this through enough.

I was hitting the very last defense that my stoic, calculating mind had: outright indecision and torturous waiting. I couldn't believe it had come to this. I almost was at the end of the rope, but it seemed like these small arguments might be enough, especially since the energy and determination I felt earlier were cowering at the mention of a tentative deadline for me to make up my mind.

I found the seven Sand ninja training in the Leaf's arena. That was just like Kankuro to take his students to the most conspicuous place in the village to practice, even after the exams were over. He never backed down from an opportunity to assert himself.

 _And neither do I,_  I thought with a small stab of pride that lasted only a few seconds before that annoying, nagging voice that came from who-the-hell-knows-where quickly reminded me this monolithic generalization now had an exception. I wanted to punch that voice in the face.

"Hey, Kankuro," I cried out, approaching my pretentious brother. "Gaara wants the kids for a little. He'll send 'em back soon."

Kankuro huffed and rolled his eyes, but I knew there was no way he'd disobey the Kazekage, even if he was a year and a half younger than him. "Alright. … Whatever. Hurry back, guys."

Five of the six snapped themselves into attention at the mention of an order from the Kazekage and ran off to fulfill it, especially since they knew it pertained to their possible promotion to chunin. I noticed with a drop of my stomach that Azami was lagging behind and Kankuro was making an obvious display of not paying attention to her, which meant he was leaving it up to me to deal with it.

I took a deep breath. _This is obnoxious._

"Azami, you need to hurry," I instructed, trying to keep my voice as soft and gentle as possible. "I don't want Ga- the Kazekage to be kept waiting."

She didn't even turn to look at me but mumbled something incoherent and kept moving at the same pace.

A hot flash of anger struck me at her impertinence but I tried to be patient, reminding myself that a good shinobi always stays in control of her emotions.

"Azami," I let my voice absorb just one more degree of harshness. "Hurry … please."

She at last turned to me and I could see from the pout on her petulant pink lips that she was sulking. She rolled my eyes. "Whatever. I can take my damn time if I want to. Stop being such a bitch."

I was drenched in ice cold shock that lasted a mere instant before something inside of me snapped. That was it. Her insolence had been piling on top of my growing frustration and now her words hit not so much like a punch that defeated me, but a challenge that immediately had me riled up and ready to smash it into utter nothingness. I bit my tongue so hard I could taste the bittersweet swell of blood under my teeth, which only served to fuel me. I was ready to do this. I tried to keep my words a proportionate and tailored response to just deal with her blatant disrespect toward me and not with the other negative feelings I harbored toward her. That wouldn't be fair.

But she had called me … her superior and the Kazekage's sister … a bitch …

She, Azami, had called me a  _bitch_.

I burled my way toward her until I had situated myself right in front of the lithe Sand genin, my teal eyes blazing, my hands in fists, not at my hips as per usual, but in front of me, in perfect striking position. My voice was thick and angry as it whipped from my mouth with the force of a wild fire. "What … the hell … did you just say to me?"

She looked like my words had slapped her in the face. She backed down immediately, I noted with sweet satisfaction, although her face stayed sullen. "I'm just not in the mood to be bossed around."

"You think I give a damn what mood you're in?!" I had opened the floodgate now and there was no way I was stopping. "Don't you ever call me that again, you got it? Or I swear I will punch you so hard you can't speak another word to me!" I was yelling now. "And when I give you an order straight from the Kazekage, you don't get to think about it, you don't get to have an opinion about, you just obey it, you got it? I don't care if he asks you to jump off a damn cliff, you will do it!" I was seething and it felt so good to have a reason to rebuke the flippant Sand genin, even though I knew that was a horrible, horrible way for me to think. "You've been sulking around here for days now and it's absolutely unbecoming of a kunoichi and I'm sick and tired of it. What is wrong with you, anyway?"

"Nothing," she scowled, glancing away. For the first time I noticed that her disobedience was not as general as I had assumed but seemed to be stemming from some pointedly negative feelings toward me.

_What does she have to be upset with me about?!_

"Oh, stop it." I commanded, not trying to hide my frustration, but demanding of myself that I not call her one of the dozens of names I already had dubbed her in my mind. No matter what she did, a superior couldn't insult her inferior in that way. "If you're going to tell me you're 'not in the mood' to be bossed around, you better have a damn good reason for doing so."

"It's nothing." She looked at me with hurt and jealous eyes. What was wrong with her? "It's just stupid stuff Shikamaru said. I don't want to talk about it … especially with you."

What did that mean? My heart started pounding, but I tried to act dismissive and keep my interest only in finding the root cause for her insolence. I rolled my eyes. "Boy shit? Are you serious? That's what has you acting in this bratty way? Well, what did he say?"

She looked defensive and shook her head.

"Fine," I shrugged. "Don't tell me. But mark my words, if you dare act like this again, regardless of the reason, I will show no mercy."

I figured that concluded the matter but Azami didn't move, instead shifting from foot to foot like a scolded puppy, her eyes filled with blatant distaste for me.

"It doesn't matter anyway," she said suddenly and sullenly. I could sense in her a sort of self torture. She didn't want to talk about Shikamaru but she couldn't seem to help it. For a moment, the familiarity of the action invoked in me a sense of sympathy. "He's going to be leaving the Leaf village soon anyhow."

My heart stopped. "What?" The word came out like an empty punch, concise and to-the-point but lacking impact.

"Yeah, he got offered some stupid job on some security unit or group with the feudal lord for the Land of Fire."

 _What is she talking about_? My mind was buzzing all over the place. Although I wanted to hear more about the job itself, I decided nailing down the source of the information was more important. "Wait ... where did you hear that? Did Shikamaru tell you that?"

That was the real question. Had he confided in her something that important?

Azami looked surprised at my sudden interest, but mumbled, "No."

I let out a sigh of relief.

"I heard it from Ino and she heard it from her sensei," she continued. "She wasn't supposed to say anything about it, but she seemed concerned."

_Well, no shit!_

Not caring how rude it was to simply abandon the conversation with no further word, I quickly turned away and strode out of the arena. I just couldn't stay there. Shikamaru leaving? Was that possible? It was too much to wrap my head around.

Nothing along the busy village streets registered in my mind as I traipsed along them aimlessly, wandering to and fro and trying to make some kind of sense out of what little I had just learned. Shikamaru leaving? Where? When? Why? It was hard for such flimsy, incomplete data to have any sort of impact. There were too many holes. Although, the real essence of my issue with the information was painfully obvious: He wouldn't be here for me anymore.

My mind went blank, wrestling weakly with a few buds of ideas and thoughts before they had blossomed into a full maturity.

Suddenly, everything seemed to look too vivid and bright. Noises were too loud. A thousand smells fought for prominence inside my nostrils. It was as if my internal rumblings were throwing off all my senses, and the entire external world, in that order. My feet kept moving so my mind could find some sense of immobile clarity.

As I tried to block out all sights, smells, and sounds, I began to wonder absentmindedly what it took, what methodology or natural string of events was required, to turn a person into a mere event. Eventually you began to speak of them in past tense, as they became established and whole points secured in time instead of linear subjects; events instead of people whose storylines you followed, interacted with, and sometimes even impacted.

I pictured myself talking about Shikamaru as if he was nothing more than something that had happened to me, a story to be told in past tense, a point in time:

Shikamaru was what I had cared about once upon a time, it had taken away from me my pride; that was when I learned that even my pragmatism and stoicism could fall prey to sensibilities that masquerade as pathetic, docile bugs and then, when they've lulled you into a false sense of complacency, discard their disguise, expanding and flexing a myriad of hidden muscles hell-bent on destroying every sense of rationality you've worked so hard to perfect.

Under that hypothetical memory filed in my brain, the title of which would be merely "Shikamaru," there existed quirky anecdotes about me losing my virginity in an encounter between close, childhood friends that had rapidly escalated toward the most sacred exchange of intimacy; me skulking around damp alleyways at night, desperate to satisfy a shameless longing that found an unspeakable way to reach its full potential – namely, me standing outside of the smirking Leaf chunin's window, brazenly pointing my eyes in the direction of his stripping form, drawn by an intangible magnetism; me engaging in numerous bickering matches that took on existential forms and became their own entities, full of life and possessing a magnificent force that drove our friendship to every possible destination along the spectrum of companionship and all of the emotions that bond denotes.

I had been taken to previously uncharted lands, where respect reached new heights, uncommon compatibility and mind-blowing attraction inhabited the same winding, fluid river and adoration, frustration, competition and compassion took turns standing guard over the fragile, but beautiful balance we had maintained for so many long years.

"That is what happened," I could picture myself saying, an image popping into my brain of an older, stronger, more successful Temari who would be forced to make occasional utterances, not in tribute to, but as meaningless facts embedded in the unchangeable tapestry of her history, of the event that had taken place, once upon a time.

"Shikamaru was."

Every iteration of a verb uttered in past tense brought with it an accompanying wave of disappointment and anger, which merged into an alloy of panic pulsing through each vein in my body.

Shikamaru as a point in time – no longer a living, breathing entity that I had the opportunity to see, to touch, to hear, to experience, but only a foggy memory – infected my body with a strain of terror I had yet to be attacked with. It no longer felt like my heart was beating inside of my body, keeping it alive and moving, but rather that my body was beating against my heart, stifling it, suffocating it, pressuring it to constrict into oblivion.

As if to add fuel to the fire, I was reminded that we were leaving tomorrow. I didn't have time. It was now or never.

I heard the frightful sound of choked breathing and realized with horror that it was coming from my own throat.

The noise was maddening, but firm, a wordless ultimatum. I had to see Shikamaru. I had to stop him from disappearing from my life, which I knew was inevitable. He would first slowly abandon human form, dissolving into past-tense references, and then would be soaked into a sponge of memories that would dry up into a hard little dot on my subconscious.

 _Is that really possible? Could he ever mean so little to me_? I asked myself, answering without hesitation, _It will have to be if you let him go, if you don't fight for him. Then you will cease to matter to him, and there will be no reprieve from that damnation except to turn him into a 'was_.'

Before I could tell I was moving, by body was breaking through natural elements, forcing itself through the whipping wind and destroying units of space and time in a frenzy to arrive at one particular point of existence. It loomed breathtakingly in my mind and I knew I would cease to exist, at least the parts of me I most cherished, if I couldn't reach that point before it was too late.

 _Where could he be? Where could he be_? My mind pestered me, shooting prickles of agitation into my muscles, which had a purpose but no knowledge of how and where that purpose would be accomplished.

I remembered back to a time when Shikamaru and I had been walking throughout the village on one of my visits to the Hidden Leaf Village. He was escorting me, as usual, and had absentmindedly pointed to a hill nestled by the Hokage residence. It was dressed in stretches of emerald grass and stewarded by a canopy of astute, towering trees. He said he often liked to go there to get away from the hustle and bustle of the streets and to partake in his favorite pastime. "It's a little more comfortable than the rooftop I often go to with Choji," he had remarked. "And it's more of my own place."

I knew there was a place on the outskirts of the village that he preferred even more because of its increased privacy, but I figured, considering the time of day and the fact that his responsibilities most likely would prevent him from wandering too far, the interior hill was a safer bet.

My legs moved in that direction before my mind could give them formal instructions.

I didn't have a speech prepared.  _Maybe I should. Better to have a strategy in mind,_ I mused, knowing I was in no state to make one anyway, so it didn't matter that none would be constructed.

I was breathing a little heavily by the time I had reached the foot of the hill, but that didn't stop my heart from skipping a beat as my eyes captured the vision my mind had desired too much to picture. The straight, defined lines of his slender body, rising and falling in the posture of perfect relaxation, stretched out on the ground. The patch of thick, dark hair melting into the green blades of grass. An arm lifted over his body; it was capped in a steady hand that made contact with his mouth through a cigarette. Each detail clarified itself for my consumption as I approached.

I wasn't in the least nervous, I noticed, shocked but happy. I was certain – more certain than I had been about almost every other aspect of my life. I wanted Shikamaru and I would not let him go.

I knew that the tightly wound entity of my now fully recognized desire would unravel quickly in a series of uncontrollable events once I made contact with Shikamaru, but I was ready to make sense of those events and take them in stride in whatever way necessary to obtain my goal.

The space between us tightened as I moved my legs to close the gap. I was taking myself to him and I wouldn't stop until I was there.

"Hey," the words spilled out of my mouth, unorthodox and unkept, being formed without prior thought. Shikamaru's head jerked at the sound of my thick, powerful voice, but his eyes held no surprise as they slowly scanned by body. "What the hell, Shikamaru? You're thinking about leaving the Leaf?"

It seemed ridiculous to reproach him with such accusations when I had little to no details to substantiate the claim. But I couldn't help it. The thought was just too horrible. I had to throw it back at him before I was forced to digest it.

I was looming over his sprawled body, my arms balled in fists and pressed into my hips, my face unorganized and displaying an exotic banquet of emotions. His lazy brown eyes picked out and immediately processed each one as they peered from his upturned face, soaking in my domineering stature.

"Just like that? You would leave?" I went on, at once sarcastic, pained, and vexed. I was not unnerved by his calculated perusal, but a bit surprised that he wasn't more so. "Were you going to tell me? .. Tell me that it could be years, if ever, before we see each other again? You know, we're leaving tomorrow. You didn't think I might care to hear that tidbit of information, you asshole?"

I waited for a few seconds, my eyes panicked.

At last, the sharp-eyed Leaf ninja exhaled smoke through his generous lips before they curved into a confident smile. "It's about time."


	12. Game, Set, Match

Those words were the last I had expected to hear and my first reaction was a display of frustration to mask my confusion. "What the hell are you talking about, Shikamaru? 'It's about time'?"

The ponytailed Leaf ninja slowly sat up, apparently refusing to let me speed up the flow of our encounter and taking his time because he knew my curiosity allowed him to handle this at his own pace, which of course was slow.

I hated it when he did this.

He turned his lazy eyes toward me, but I caught a hint of something else: cunning mixed in with a little bit of triumph.

A tiny swell of suspicion started spreading through my stomach, but I wasn't exactly sure what he was revealing or what I was discovering.

"You remember the first time we fought, during the exams?" He stretched his long, muscular arms and neck, and then slowly stood to his feet.

So, it was going to be one of those question-and-answer-type-ordeals, huh? I gritted my teeth to bear it, still overcome with my determination to have Shikamaru if it was the last thing I did, and now also intrigued.

"No," I responded sardonically. "Remind me."

Shikamaru was unfazed by my sarcasm.

"As I said before that fight, I would never lose to a woman," he smiled playfully at me, as if grabbing my hand and pulling me into a realm of discovery … only I felt more like a cat playing with a bit of string that was held by the masterfully evasive hand of its owner, who would continuously move the tantalizing toy an inch out of reach every time I got close.

 _Have it your way, you damn boy_ , I thought with a mixture of serious disdain for his teasing and admiration at his artful application of this sort of intrigue. I also was pissed off at his over-the-top misogynistic comment.

"I can't believe you're bringing that up at a time like this! It has no bearing -" My blustering was cut short by his hand gently pressing against my lips. The audacity of it! I would've punched him in the face if the soft feel of his fingers laid across my face didn't make me weak in the knees due to how long I had been yearning for even the slightest of his thrilling touches.

"As I was saying ..." He continued with a sly glint in his dark brown eyes, "this was a very tricky case. It required an extremely sensitive and well-thought out strategy, especially because I was dealing with the most unnerving, brilliant and beautiful adversary I've ever had to face."

Strategy? What the hell was he talking about? I couldn't ask him these questions with his hand still draped across my frowning lips. That, I figured, was his purpose of putting it there in the first place.

"It started that night in the alleyway, when you said all that bullshit. It became clear in that moment what I was up against. I knew in order to have you, I'd first have to get that other side of you out of the way … I had to have you fighting for me instead of against me. And what's the best way to do that?"

I rolled my eyes at his obvious enjoyment in getting to employ rhetorical questions in the midst of my inability to answer.

"The things we highly value become most obvious when they are being threatened. I knew that would be true for you. From there, it was easy. I merely had to analyze all the moving pieces at my disposal and predict how they would maneuver or ought to proceed so I could make plans for the final blow."

He winked at me mischievously so I would know he meant it metaphorically, but I was beginning to feel frustration glaze over my awe. What could that possibly mean? That … he … knew? All along? Everything? That he had coordinated it?

Assuming he had gotten across the point that him talking would be more valuable and informative than me talking, he let his hand drop so he could cross his arms leisurely and lean against a nearby tree. Immediately I missed the warmth of his fingers on my flushed face.

"Obviously, you are incredibly troublesome and very hard to figure out, and it caused me a lot of sleepless nights at first, which was a bit of a drag, but I know you, Temari. … better than you know yourself. I know you want to be happy, but sometimes you are afraid to let yourself experience that emotion, because you think it makes you weak. I know you feel safer the less you're feeling. But I know that you're in love with me and, if you'll stop being a pain and let me, I can make this the easiest, best thing for you."

His words started the process of delivering that rare serenity that was synonymous with the Konoha chunin. Nevertheless, I could not help forcefully shoving out the one question crushing my spirit of glee into hot ashes of anger. "You mean … you manipulated me, you fucker?"

His eyes narrowed and he pursed his lips tightly. "Of course not, Temari. I didn't manipulate you. I simply predicted your reactions to various occurrences, and from there I could put together a fairly accurate timeline for when you would give in and let yourself be happy. You did the moving, I simply did the analysis. Obviously, there were a few things that happened that had to weld into my plan seamlessly, but it all came together close to what I predicted."

I brooded over these words as he continued, trying to make sense of it all and decide if I was more captivated or irate.

"I knew you were jealous of Azami's feelings for me … no, don't try to deny it. I liked it," he said with a playful smirk. "I didn't lead her on, but I figured there was no use telling you I wasn't interested in her. I knew your mind would do the rest as you were confronted with the fact that if we aren't together, we'll end up with other people. I don't want that and I had a strong suspicion you didn't either.

"Your reaction to Azami's … interest … confirmed that," he continued. "The only intrusion I made was to talk to Kankuro. I knew you would get to a breaking point and need someone to talk to. … Kankuro was the obvious choice. I thought it would be more helpful to inform him of everything … no, not all of it … don't worry … I didn't tell him we fucked … that would be helpful for no one. … Anyway, I talked to him before I knew you would, and I advised him what he could say to help me gauge your reaction. I needed an ally. Also, I figured he might otherwise kick my ass if he found out randomly. I also didn't like the thought of you dealing with all this alone. I wanted to help speed up the process a little. Timing is everything to a good strategist."

Suddenly, it all came back to me in short, vivid clips: the glint of surprise and approval when Kankuro saw my actions align to what Shikamaru had told him they would be; … "just some advice from an old friend"; his surprisingly harsh insults toward the Leaf genius. It gradually started to all make sense, every last one of Kankuro's carefully orchestrated reactions and accidental hints.

I also was experiencing the sensation of a great burden being lifted as all tidbits of pain were stripped from my recollections involving Azami. Slowly, they each took on a hue of insignificance as I realized he was right ... every single one of my worries had been constructed in my head by my wild imagination, using only her actions as building blocks.

I knew my eyes were wide and my mouth agape as I carefully pieced it together. It all seemed so obvious, and yet … I let him continue.

"I wasn't expecting the offer for a position in the feudal lord's Twelve Guardian Ninja, so I had to adapt for that, of course. But it actually ended up being a perfect piece, especially since it presented one more example of our companionship being threatened. Also, that chain of events was incredibly simple to predict: I knew Asuma sensei would inform my teammates so they wouldn't be caught off guard if I accepted. Ino, being as emotional and sensitive as she is, wouldn't be able to keep the news to herself. I made sure the person in closest proximity to her in whom she'd feel comfortable confiding was Azami – who clearly can't keep her mouth shut if her life depends on it. From there, I knew it was only a matter of hours before she somehow or another blurted it out to you, especially given how much she likes to talk about me."

He was shamelessly enjoying himself and not even trying to conceal that fact. I, on the other hand, had so many questions swirling around in my mind, a kaleidoscope of thoughts, interjections, comments, and confusion that now danced gaily before my eyes. There was time to dissect all of that – to figure out which, if any of his comments, had pejorative connotations, and which were thoroughly flattering - and present it to him piece by piece. Right now, one thing was undoubtedly most important. "If you accepted? You said 'if'. Is it an 'if,' Shikamaru? Or a 'when?'"

At the very least, I was aggravated enough with him in this particular moment to drill my eyes into his, to force out a concrete answer that would help pull me out of limbo.

His lips twitched with a self-gratified smile and he was silent as he observed his fingers for no good reason, stretching my curiosity as far and thin as it would go, "Well … it would be a good opportunity …"

"Damn it, Shikamaru," I couldn't hold it in anymore. "You've tortured me enough, you jerk. Yes or no? Are you leaving?"

I knew my eyes were panicked as I waited breathlessly. I just needed this one answer and I would be able to move on and retaliate against the irresistible Leaf chunin, who was playing with my life as if it was a game of Shogi.

He waited for what seemed to be numerous minutes before answering, "I'm not." He shrugged as he said it but his eyes were hooked directly on to mine and full of such a medley of serenity, joy, and pleasure that it completely contradicted his fabricated nonchalance.

I breathed a sigh of relief and for some reason a whole batch of hot tears hit the back of my eyes, threatening to squeeze their way out. The wash of relief, as magnanimous as it was, was short lived. I had a thing or two to say to the presumptuous Konoha genius and I sure as hell wasn't going to hold it in anymore.

My words sputtered forward as if through a leak in a faucet being internally blasted with high-pressure water. They were the result of a buildup of emotions that had been in construction over the past four weeks. "What…is …wrong with you? How dare you think you can play with my life like this! You think this will work on me? I'm not some rogue ninja you're out to defeat, some enemy whose feelings don't matter. How did you possibly think you could pull off a stunt like this? You thought I'd just swoon over the fact that you've been playing with and manipulating … and constructing … my feelings? You're an idiot, Shikamaru… absolutely just an idiot."

Having said his piece and proved that he really was the superior strategist, Shikamaru waited patiently to let me finish, knowing better than to interrupt the rampaging kunoichi this time.

I knew it didn't matter what I said. I could sputter and protest all I wanted, but the ruse was over. Shikamaru had known me better than I knew myself, and he had won. I was completely, head-over-heels for him and he knew it. But I had to at least gain back some ground.

"I'm incredibly angry, Shikamaru. You're an absolute fool, a presumptive little prick. I don't know what to do with you. You had no right ... no right at all!" I crossed my arms over my chest and tossed my head to the side in aggravation. "Like I said before, you really are just a ridiculous kid, who doesn't know the last thing about how to win over a woman."

He cast his eyes down and I thought maybe I'd offended him, but when he looked up his face was as relaxed and nonchalant as it ever was when he wasn't letting himself get affected by anything serious.

"Well," he said with a sigh, "That's not entirely true ... obviously. I knew how to get the only woman I want. You can't tell me you would have wanted it any other way. You wouldn't fall for a lesser man."

I heaved a thick, perturbed sigh. He could be entirely too confident when he wanted to be. Usually, it was sexy as hell, although right now, since it was aimed at me, I couldn't help feeling a bit competitive.

I opened my mouth to continue giving him a piece of my mind, but then, suddenly, he grabbed my wrist – not forcefully, but definitely firmly. He pulled me into the cluster of trees so that our forms succumbed to their shadows and the trunks hid our bodies. He pulled me in deeper still, then turned to face me and lay down his last move, or the "final blow."

I was completely flabbergasted. Though my temper was still high, I could feel it swiftly descending. My eyes were wide pools of teal as I waited, feeling shocked, hopeful and curious. He grasped my shoulders and placed me firmly so my back was against the hard bark of a wide tree trunk. I couldn't help but notice that he did it with such premeditated artfulness that I did not hit my head against the hard wood. _He's so incredibly thoughtful_ , I thought with a surge of those gooey feelings that made me feel not at all like a shinobi.

His face was close to mine, right where I had wanted it for weeks, and I could feel his intoxicating scent surrounding me, making me feel warm and comforted all at once. He looked me square in the eyes, his own arched eyebrows still drawn together, not in anger but in determination. His words came out low, almost like a growl, but they were filled with exultation as he said, "Temari, you are the biggest pain in the ass I've ever met. You know, I always thought I would fall in love with an average-looking, ordinary girl who wouldn't cause me any trouble. A girl who wouldn't provoke me, a girl who wouldn't challenge me, a girl who I wouldn't be fucking terrified of and who couldn't take me down with just a smile. However, I can do nothing but conclude that you've completely destroyed that plan and proved that my dad is right, as usual. You are vicious and gorgeous and brilliant and fierce ... I'm pretty sure you have the capability to be sweet ... and most importantly, you're the only person who's ever done my brain in. You are anything but the nice ordinary girl I thought I wanted, but I would be utterly damned if I ever let you get away."

His words hit me like a ton of bricks just as his mouth claimed mine in a smothering kiss. His hands still gripped my shoulders, keeping me in place, his fingers sinking into my flesh with a sense of urgency. Affection for the stupid boy, the master strategist, swelled within me and found an outlet in the hot tears that stung my eyes once again. His words might not be considered all that "romantic" by traditional standards, but we were no traditional couple. They were exactly what I, with all my stubbornness and fear, needed to hear to surrender at last to his tenacious love.

I let my body melt against his, which was aligned perfectly with mine. I kissed him back frantically, which didn't startle him at all, leading me to conclude, as always, that he had anticipated this response the minute he brought me to this place. It was a physical representation of the theoretical, precise "thump," as I, once and for all, came off the fence and committed finally to a side.

I pulled back long enough to humbly whisper the concession I knew I needed to, both for my sake and his."I love you, you damn genius."

He smirked at me, his eyes managing to look self-gratified although they were heavily clouded with arousal. "I know, you troublesome woman. I love you, too."

It was enough talking, we mutually, albeit wordlessly, decided; we dove in for each other once again, trying to make up for lost time in one fell swoop. His hands whipped the bands out of my hair so my silky, topaz tresses could be clenched in his fists. He used his warm tongue to graze against my lips, which parted willingly, granting him permission to explore my mouth with his appendage. Waves of pleasure rippled through my body as the shinobi worked his magic, focusing solely on my mouth and engaging it in its entirety.

I succumbed to his movements, letting him take the lead, while I simply enjoyed each and every vibrant sensation.

He pulled his lips from mine and started a trail of kisses from my cheek, along my jaw and to my ear. There he stopped, pausing a second and letting his warm breath encase my ear and send goose bumps down my arms, before murmuring huskily, "I also think you should know that, regardless of what your brother says, I think you're curves are damn sexy."

I immediately felt his hands cup my full ass in their eager grasp. He massaged the soft flesh with sturdy hands as he pressed his lips along the curve of my neck, using his tongue and teeth to light up my erogenous zones. I couldn't help but moan into the shadow possessor's pony-tailed hair, although I tried to stifle the noise as much as possible.

Our breathing already had become haggard and our bodies were beginning to move toward one very clear, demanding purpose: hips rolling back and forth, hands sneaking beneath various articles of clothing to satisfy a longing for the feel of bare skin, a thin sheen of sweat, due both to the Leaf Village's humidity as well as our escalating horniness, coating our bodies. It was proof that absence not only makes the heart grow fonder ... it also makes two lovers incredibly more libidinous.

A sliver of my mind was aware of just how foolish it was for us to make out like this in a somewhat public place. Although we had done a good job of concealing ourselves in the thick, damp woodlands, I gave passers-by enough credit to assume their curiosity would be piqued if they heard erotic groans being emitted from such a place.

But I could not bear to tear myself away from the slender, toned body of my lover. I also was not surprised to notice that the taboo nature of our encounter and where it was transpiring was giving me, the consummate risk-taker, a little bit of a thrill. As Shikamaru slipped his hands up under my skirt to get a better feel of my ass and hips, dangerously lifting it up enough so that my voluptuous thighs took on a luminescence as they caught the sunlight coming through the leaves in splinters, I weaved my fingers into his thick, dark hair. I pulled at it and clamped my teeth down ferociously on his ear, using the tip of my tongue to travel along its edge. I thrust my hips forward, eliciting a moan from the Leaf chunin as I made contact with his hard, clothed member. I was daring any and all nosy villagers to come and feast their eyes. Let our secrecy be damned!

It seemed Shikamaru was making the same dare: He had swapped one side of my butt to cup my hefty breast, causing me to gasp as he squeezed the large mound softly. His eyes were mischievous but unwavering and his lips dressed in a taunting grin as he unashamedly moved his hand inside of my dress so he could experience the real thing. My back arched involuntarily, my bare, peaked nipple making contact with his skilled fingers, which stroked and pinched the sensitive pink skin. I was sufficiently titillated by his movements, and my hips were now thrusting on their own accord; they knew what that slick, pink skin between them wanted and they knew where they wanted to get it from. Not willing to let my own arousal surpass Shikamaru's, I began slowly dragging my fingers along the inside of his right leg, pushing my fingers into the muscles and bringing them higher and higher. Despite his clothes, it helped to do the trick. I could hear his breathing become heavier and it was fraught with desire and tension.

Our frantic kisses were wiping away my confusion and my humiliation. I knew later he would make fun of me more for having freaked out and for struggling through weeks of internal battles as I had, but for now, I would have some fun with the young Leaf shinobi.

"So you think I'm vicious, eh, Shikamaru?" I whispered devilishly. "You haven't seen anything yet."

With that, my hand plunged beneath the articles of clothing that had become tight against his erection. I felt the firmness beneath my clamped fingers, noting with satisfaction that it was pulsing beneath my welcome hand and the head was wet with pre-cum. He reflexively pushed into my grasp.

"Shit, Temari," he choked out, hiding his face against my neck and hair to keep from making louder noises that would obviously denote his escalating arousal to those in a wider parameter. My body was now smothered by his, as he pushed against me, driving to find some sort of release.

My other hand had found its way under his shirt and was raking down the clenched muscles in his back, hopefully leaving red scratches along his muscular shoulder blades. If he wanted vicious, I could give it to him. I was realizing life was a lot simpler, or at least my life in this moment, now that I had let the Leaf ninja "win." And it was certainly more fun, as I was the one who could play with Shikamaru now that I had been caught.

Again and again I worked over his impressive dick, rubbing the hardness up and down, while I used my mouth to bite and suck along his neck. The combination was causing his heart to beat faster and faster, and I realized he was approaching climax much quicker than I had thought he would. I couldn't let that happen yet. I released his cock and pulled out both my hands from under his clothes. His body was quivering against mine and he groaned in frustration. "What the hell, Temari?"

I chuckled wickedly. I was pleased that I could toy with him in this way. Although, in actuality, I knew there it was completely imprudent for us to make love right there. I enjoyed risks, but I couldn't pass the boundary into outright foolishness.

I kissed his lips softly and whispered, "Not here, Shikamaru. You're going to have to wait."

His hooded eyes were dark with bitter annoyance and pent up arousal, his hands balled in fists at his sides, but his voice sounded lackadaisical as he simply said, "You are a cruel, cruel woman."

"The most cruel kunoichi ever, isn't that right?" I mocked him with a wink and a cheeky grin. "Meet me over at my apartment. You'll have to use the window, though. I'm nervous my brothers might see."

"Whatever," he rolled his eyes. He knew I was making him jump through hoops for me, but I was pleased to discover he was either too horny or too in love with me to care. I figured it was a little of both and it was sufficient for the moment.

My lips found his in one last passionate kiss, before I hurried out of the trees, down the slumping hill and toward my apartment.

I pushed through sheet after sheet of the velvety mid-morning warmth. I was in a hurry to get home and meet up with my secret lover so we could complete the journey for which our bodies had started trekking down the path.

The muscles in my legs felt weirdly tingly and jumpy, and they were moving automatically as if they possessed an energy and mind of their own. Perhaps because my mind already had given itself over to creating all sorts of dirty scenarios in the hopes one of them would come to life within the next few minutes.

The door of the apartment building gave way to my forceful push, seeming to understand that I was in no mood to wait. My steps echoed down the quiet hallway as my sandaled feet quickened their pace.

"Temari."

I jumped. _Why do people keep doing that_? I wondered with frustration as I spun around to confront the person addressing me.

Gaara examined me critically, his turquoise eyes flickering with confusion. "Were you out training?" I couldn't tell if there was a tinge of accusation in his voice, but I figured I was imagining out of the knowledge that I had just come from doing something he could and would pass judgment on.

"Yeah," I lied casually. Training was the only respectable explanation for my rumpled clothes and tussled hair, which was taking advantage of being freed from its bands and twisting every which way in an unruly manner. I hoped my cheeks weren't broadcasting the heat of the shame I felt with red patches on my skin.

Gaara scanned me for another few seconds. Thank God it wasn't Kankuro. Although he was less observant than Gaara, he would be much more apt to pry once his curiosity had been aroused.

"Well, I'm glad you're back. I needed to speak with you about something," he said passively, spinning around and walking back to his room without giving me the option of declining.

I knew I couldn't respond with any sort of dissonance as it was. If Gaara had something to say, there was a good chance it was extremely important – and any other time I would have been thrilled to feel the forward motion induced by something new transpiring.

But not one bit of me preferred the idea of trailing my little brother and spending time talking business over rushing to my room and finding my sexy Leaf lover ready to share with me sensational, toe-curling, mind-blowing, orgasm-inducing sex.

However, duty called. And although I had given up on certain standards of propriety in secret, I still was very much bound to the slave driver of conventionalism, like a dog raised from birth by the same owner which does not know how to be disobedient and run the other way when he hears his master's call.

I felt my heart sinking lower and lower, dipping into outright frustration, which was not tempered by the visceral urges recently triggered by the taste of Shikamaru's mouth, the heat of his body pressed to mine, and the satisfying feel of his large dick more than filling my hand. However, I calculated the sooner I hurried after Gaara and heard what he had to say, the sooner I could pick up where I had left off. Until then, I would tightly bind my emotions to keep them preserved in their present state until they could be manifested in the sanctity of my bedroom.

Having cleared my mind of foggy horniness as I settled myself on Gaara's bed, I began to take note of an extra degree of softness in Gaara's controlled manner that could only mean he was worried. My muscles began to knot up with tension as I waited for him to speak.

"Kankuro said Azami was disrespectful to you…?"

I was touched by his sweetness, but also relieved, for I knew I could truncate this conversation. "Yeah, a little, but I took care of it," I hurried to say. "You don't have to worry. I will make sure it doesn't happen again. I think I sufficiently took care of it."

I would have thought she would be the last person I wanted to think of, but oddly, memories of this morning were granting me an extreme bout of satisfaction. _I have won._

"He also said you weren't feeling well."

I was confused for a split second, but then nodded wearily, although I wanted to smile. It was Kankuro's last move, his final involvement in this masterful plan. "Yeah, not so much. I thought I might rest for the day, if you didn't need me. ... Especially as we plan to go back to Suna tomorrow."

"Of course," Gaara said, almost tenderly. I knew he really did care about me, and it almost made me second guess my lies … almost. I would tell him, all in good time. But for now, I wanted the ease and bliss of one full day with Shikamaru without interruptions or questions before we had to part ways for an unknown amount of time.

Having finished our conversation quickly, I hurried to my room. Inside, Shikamaru was stretched out on my bed already, his head resting on his arms, his eyes reflecting a mind lost in thought.

I wanted to jump his bones, but I felt wary of interrupting his introspective journey by shoving my tongue down his throat. Instead, I lowered myself on the bed and gently positioned my body so it mirrored his and our sides sort of merged together.

I waited.

"Temari," he started slowly, his face turned away from mine, "this means you're mine, right? No more running away?"

His cautiously tender words turned me into a helpless puddle, and I regretted having made him wait while I bumbled about trying to figure things out – although I knew now he hadn't been in all that much agony, what with his ingenious strategy and all. "Of course, Shikamaru. No more running. I'll be the pain in your neck for the rest of your life."

He let out a laugh, and then suddenly his body was on top of mine, one hand holding my wrists together over my head and the other navigating the folds of my dress and invading my pussy with artful fingers, his eyes confident and challenging. "What was that, Temari?"

I was back in the throes of arousal as seamlessly as if we hadn't been inhibited and stopped before. I moaned out as best I could, "No more running … I promise."

"No, the other thing. Who do you belong to?"

I knew what he wanted. His fingers played with my clit and massaged the outskirts of my most private and intimate physical cavern, threatening to delve in further. I groaned and bucked my hips, trying to create more friction between his fingers and my pulsing womanhood. "You just always have to be controlling me, huh?" I grunted, my voice laced with the same sexual tension currently compressing every atom in my body.

"Come on, Temari… you know that you get to be the dominant one all the time in the outside world. But yes, I will control the bedroom."

His kissed me roughly, lightly biting down on my lower lip and then thrusting his tongue into my open mouth. He began to move his hips in rhythm to his fondling fingers, creating more thrilling pleasure against my nether regions. Our tongues played with each other for a few seconds as we enjoyed the intense intimacy. Finally, he pulled back and allowed me to swallow a few deep breaths of air while he left a trail of red marks along my neck.

I gasped audibly. I wanted him inside me so bad. "Alright, Shikamaru … Oh, shit! … yes… yes… I'm yours. All yours."

"That's right you are," he growled slyly, punctuating his triumph by slipping two fingers inside of me to massage my tight muscles, which clamped down on him immediately, trying to take his fingers in deeper.

"Oh fuck, Shikamaru. You feel so good," I involuntarily admitted. "I've missed you so much… so, so much."

His eyes darkened further with arousal. "I've missed you, too. Your fault, though. And I plan on making you pay for that."

"Augh... oh, damn, Shikamaru," I moaned as he hit my sweet spot. He was definitely giving me heightened pleasure but not quite exactly what I wanted – his big dick filling me and fulfilling me – and I was feeling that lack acutely.

With my hands stuck together and stretched above my thrown-back head, I couldn't mess with him the way he was with me. I knew that was inevitable. If he wanted me to pay, I was going to have to … dearly. Much to my dismay, he then withdrew his hand from my wet, pulsing pussy.

He undid my traditional Sand headband, pulling it away from my sweaty forehead, and then slowly and deliberately, used it to bind my hands together. I struggled slightly, but he had been one step ahead of me, and my wrists were tied before I could push them apart.

"Oh, you dick," I muttered, as he undid my red belt and opened my dress, giving himself full access to my full, round breasts.

He simply smiled and began to kiss all of over the warm skin he had just exposed, starting at my collar bone and working his way down, so he could flick my erect nipple with his tongue and then suck on as much of my tit as he could fit in his mouth. His hands roved all over the sides of my thighs and down my back, stopping when they came to the top of my panties.

Every stroke of his hands against my trembling flesh made every minute of waiting over the past weeks worth it. And the fact that the best sensations were yet to come sent shivers down my spine.

With my hands immobilized, I watched helplessly as he pulled back, and gently removed my black leather gloves, then my black sandals, my mesh tights, and finally, the think cloth encircling the tops of my thighs and keeping his goal just out of reach. Each removal of an item was followed with his lips pressing against the formerly encased skin. With eyes wide and hungry, but determined, he slid the panties off of my long legs and dropped them onto the floor.

With firm hands, he gripped my hips, keeping his eyes locked on mine as he moved his face toward the soft, engorged skin between my tan legs.

"You have no idea, Temari, how long I've wanted to take you in my mouth and taste your sweet pussy. It's been a long time. Longer than I'd care to admit. And to think this is the first time of many …"

Roughly, he shoved my legs apart, and began to lick the lips of vagina. My stomach plunged. Chilling pangs shot through my body. My vision slowly started to fade to a hazy gray as the young Leaf chunin began to push his tongue harder and further inside me. My body trembled every time his wet tongue passed over my clit. He used his lips and teeth masterfully, building up pleasure from places I didn't know produced such a sensation.

"Oh, shit," I pushed my hips forward to meet his mouth as he devoured my pussy. When at last his tongue slipped inside of me, I couldn't stop from rolling my hips forward in sync with his gentle thrusts inside of me. It might not have been his dick, but it felt incredible. I let my head rest on the pillow, as I lay watching Shikamaru's ponytail sway with the rhythm of his head moving up and down between my legs.

"I could live down here." His words were muffled as he uttered them against my womanhood, and the warm breath that accompanied them made me shiver. I knew my entire body was trembling.

"Oh, Shikamaru… Shi…ka…maru," I tried to keep my voice at a whisper, but the sensations incited by the sexy, dark-haired ninja were making that a difficult task.

I didn't know what he was doing. All I knew is that it felt damn incredible. And that a few more flicks of his tongue would push me over the edge. Grabbing the edge of my mattress as best I could with my hands tied together, I braced myself for the orgasm that soon followed. Unable to keep my voice down, the pulsing throughout my body, the explosive, mind-boggling euphoria, was accompanied with shouted expletives and repetition of his name. And then, wide sweeps of exhaustion. When at last I could open my eyes, I saw Shikamaru's deep, thoughtful eyes perusing me, his head cocked to the side, his tongue licking the last of my juices from his relaxed lips.

"Your turn," I muttered, although I hadn't quite regained the strength to move toward making that happen.

He scoffed playfully. "Of course it is."

Quickly, he peeled off his vest, and the shirts beneath it. My eyes widened appreciatively as they feasted on his sculpted chest and chiseled stomach. I reached out my hands to feel the taut muscles beneath my fingertips.

"See, Temari?" He drawled, a glint of mischief in those hooded eyes. "Isn't it better when you can touch, and not just look?"

My face flushed bright red as I automatically knew to what he was referring. "So, you knew about that, too?"

"Of course, I did. I can sense your chakra from a mile away."

 _Of course, he can. Why did I not think of that?_ The answer was blatantly obvious. I hadn't been thinking straight in that moment. I had wanted to see Shikamaru's naked body so badly that all analytical skills had slipped with ease through the grasps of my faculties.

His hand gently caressed my scarlet cheek, bringing me back to the present and helping to relieve my humiliation. I continued to gaze at him as he finished his task, removing his own sandals and black pants so that he stood before me in his boxers alone.

"Take your hair down," I ordered curtly. His eyebrows raised at the positive opinion my command divulged and then complied.

I was horny all over again and wanted to quicken this process. "Come on, loser. Hurry and take those off. I've seen it before. You have nothing left to impress me with."

He cocked an eyebrow, ready to take that challenge. Despite my teasing words, my breath caught in my throat when he nonchalantly lowered his underwear and kicked it aside. Oh, but it was divine. I had forgotten. Well, not so much forgotten. The memory had just been obscured, fading over time. I remembered with great clarity the emotions he had made me feel before, but the details had become foggy. Not any more. There was his delectable cock in all of its glory. Upon realizing my mouth was hanging open, I quickly snapped it shut, but not before it had been noticed by the cunning Leaf chunin.

"Still not impressed, Temari?" He queried, climbing back on top of me, his length settling between my thighs and sending fresh wetness gushing out.

I shook my head "no," biting my lips to contain my groans.

"I'm not done yet."

Without further warning, he was ramming his cock deep within my pussy. My mouth shot open and my back arched reflexively. Luckily, Shikamaru was controlling his reactions about as well as I was. His eyes shut tight and his fingers dug painfully into my shoulder blades as he began to thrust himself in and out.

As if to emphasize our almost perfect compatibility, our bodies seemed to melt into one entity, each of our corresponding body parts moving together in absolute unison. His hips moved against mine, which themselves flattened the white sheets beneath them. Shikamaru burrowed his head into the juncture of my neck and shoulder, his groans meeting my ear with force and severity.

Willing to show me no mercy, the Leaf ninja began to fuck me harder and harder, pushing himself as deep within me as he could possibly go. Slick and open from my first orgasm, it took no time at all for delirium to began mounting once again. I contracted the walls of my pussy around him, and was rewarded with a loud, "Oh, shit, Temari," from my tantalizing lover.

It had felt exceptional the first time we did it, but our current and fierce lovemaking trumped even that, as if the experience had matured. This time I made love with full confidence. It was not the rash byproduct of me ignoring all consequences. Rather, I was looking those consequences square in the face and making a clear, conscious choice to execute my actions and accept full responsibility for that choice and whatever it produced.

Which also meant releasing the shackles from my vocal cords and allowing myself to express my affirmation of Shikamaru's hard cock stuffed within in me as loudly as I pleased.

Over and over, harder and harder, faster and faster. I let myself go. And go I did, swirling upward, faster, my mind caught up in a cyclone of dizzying speed.

"Temari … oh, fuck, Temari," Shikamaru also had given himself over entirely to the magnitude of our sexual intimacy.

Together we barreled toward ecstasy. Simultaneously, we were consumed by it. With poignant satisfaction, I felt his warm cum being ejaculated deep within me, just as my mind crashed, blown to pieces with insane bliss. As one unit, we rode out our pleasure, committing ourselves to savoring each and every thrill, every pulse, every audible gasp, and nuance of pleasure.

There was so much I wanted to say, to iterate with words the unimaginable weight and size of the delight I had just experienced as well as the magnificent love it represented. But no words seemed adequate. I had no good way of expressing all that this meant. However, Shikamaru had one last thing, one final pronunciation to give an identity to our collective, orgasm-induced delirium.

Bringing his lips close to my ear, I heard him whisper triumphantly, "Checkmate."

**Author's Note:**

> This was my first piece of fan fiction, written several years ago and now slightly edited for AO3 publication. I finished the first part of the series and hope to get around to completing the second part, oh, sometime in the next several years :).


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